RMweb Premium Al51 Posted March 15, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 15, 2022 11 hours ago, NIK said: Essex Council deny that they are filling in pot holes near Rod Stewart's house because he threatened to sing to them. 'You are failing, you are failing, road too bumpy, for my sports car .... and for me'. Followed by 'The first rut is the deepest' 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 On 13/03/2022 at 23:11, RJS1977 said: A friend of mine used to take a layout to shows in Germany, along with an operating crew. On one occasion, they'd gone out for a meal after the show and after they'd eaten, one of the group went to the toilet, which was in the basement. In front of him were three doors, one with 'DAMEN' on it, one with 'HERREN' on it, and one with nothing written on it at all. As he didn't know any German, and didn't want to embarrass himself, he tried the door with no writing on it. Only after the door had closed behind him, did he discover that it was the broom cupboard, and there was no handle on the inside.... (This was the start of a very much longer story, which I don't fancy typing out right now). And now - the conclusion: There was however, another door on the other side of the cupboard, which he was able to open. This took him into a long corridor with rooms either side, eventually ending in a staircase, which he climbed, and brought him out in a supermarket - which was shut! The only people present were two Polish cleaning ladies. Naturally, he didn't speak Polish either, and they didn't speak English, but somehow he was able to explain to them that he'd come from a restaurant. They let him out and pointed him in the direction of a restaurant, but it was the wrong one! Fortunately the manager of that restaurant spoke English and was able to point him the right way. Of course, by the time he'd rejoined the group, they'd sent someone looking for him, who popped back up shortly after he got back and said the first man was nowhere to be seen. The first man then recounted his story. When he'd finished someone said,"Now we're all together, can we go back to the hotel?" The first man replied. "No. I haven't been yet!" 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 I went to see a Spanish magician last night. He said he was going to do a disappearing act. "Uno...Dos..." and Bang! He vanished without a Tres Jim 2 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefromacrossthepond Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Sometimes the so-called "groaners" can be the most fun!! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 BREAKING NEWS Today on St Patricks day a book has been discovered in a Dublin cellar that will change Irish Dancing forever It's called Irish Dancing. Volume 2. What to do with your arms. 19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Vistisen Posted March 17, 2022 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 17, 2022 1 hour ago, davefromacrossthepond said: Sometimes the so-called "groaners" can be the most fun!! But not today 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted March 17, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 17, 2022 "What building has the most stories?" "The library." 1 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIK Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said: I went to see a Spanish magician last night. He said he was going to do a disappearing act. "Uno...Dos..." and Bang! He vanished without a Tres Jim What do you call a Spanish driver whose who has had his motor stolen?: Carlos Edited March 17, 2022 by NIK 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted March 18, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 18, 2022 A young couple dies on their way to their wedding On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?' Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer? 1 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 6 hours ago, peanuts said: BREAKING NEWS Today on St Patricks day a book has been discovered in a Dublin cellar that will change Irish Dancing forever It's called Irish Dancing. Volume 2. What to do with your arms. Volume 3 deals with the music... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 Covid Lateral tests are aiming to enter the comedy world, with many a smile, for their great one-liners..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 (edited) 14 hours ago, jcredfer said: Covid Lateral tests are aiming to enter the comedy world, with many a smile, for their great one-liners..... I'm just about to see if I've got a faint positive or a one-liner. Tested positive for the first time in two years last Saturday and I've had a miserable week of it. Update: Faint positive, to be expected... Not out of the woods yet, but the trees are thinning out! Another update.. The positive matured into a substantial line, so the thinning trees are just a clearing... Edited March 18, 2022 by Hroth Updates, updates... 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted March 18, 2022 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 18, 2022 18 minutes ago, Hroth said: I'm just about to see if I've got a faint positive or a one-liner. Tested positive for the first time in two years last Saturday and I've had a miserable week of it. Me too, positive on Tuesday. Hope you’re negative quickly. Andi 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted March 18, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 18, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hroth said: Tested positive for the first time in two years last Saturday and I've had a miserable week of it. 42 minutes ago, Dagworth said: Me too, positive on Tuesday. You are not isolated examples from what I've seen - several of my acquaintance are testing positive having avoided covid for the last two years. Just goes to show that government policy wrt the pandemic is at home in this thread. Edited March 18, 2022 by Compound2632 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Hroth said: I'm just about to see if I've got a faint positive or a one-liner. Tested positive for the first time in two years last Saturday and I've had a miserable week of it. Update: Faint positive, to be expected... Not out of the woods yet, but the trees are thinning out! 59 minutes ago, Dagworth said: Me too, positive on Tuesday. Hope you’re negative quickly. Andi Much sympathy from here, too. My good lady caught a dose of the C-word, last week travelling home on the train from work on London. She has had a number of cold like symptoms and lack of taste / smell, so the rest of the family have been testing since. Being limited to space in the house, because of one very vulnerable member, I suspect that avoiding it may be unlikely and depends on how well the vaccinations work. Best wishes for a swift recovery. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 35 minutes ago, jcredfer said: depends on how well the vaccinations work. The vaccinations reduce the chance of hospitalisation or worse. I've had all three and I still got it. The problem is that folk are not testing, or are ignoring test results and are going out. Because they won't wear a mask because they're not mandated any more... Oh well. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocor Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 9 hours ago, Hroth said: Volume 3 deals with the music... What music ? 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted March 19, 2022 Share Posted March 19, 2022 On 18/03/2022 at 11:24, Hroth said: The vaccinations reduce the chance of hospitalisation or worse. I've had all three and I still got it. That's a joke, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted March 19, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 19, 2022 10 hours ago, Coombe Vale said: Kindly desist from posting selfies. 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted March 19, 2022 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 19, 2022 Not with mine you don't; she is more than capable of berating me for ignoring and agreeing with her, which gets us back to square one for round 2... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-Jiff Kenobi Posted March 20, 2022 Share Posted March 20, 2022 If I drew a picture of Rick Blaine from Casablanca on the toilet wall, would it be classed as Humphrey Bog-art? 3 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted March 20, 2022 Share Posted March 20, 2022 44 minutes ago, Obi-Jiff Kenobi said: If I drew a picture of Rick Blaine from Casablanca on the toilet wall,... Of all the toilets in all the world, you had to walk into mine. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted March 20, 2022 Share Posted March 20, 2022 i went for a job interview last week - they described it as a demanding role. then they asked me how well i could perform under pressure ... ... i thought for a moment, and said i wasn't sure ... .. but i could do a really good version of bohemian rhapsody. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocor Posted March 20, 2022 Share Posted March 20, 2022 2 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said: Of all the toilets in all the world, you had to walk into mine. Of all the toilets in the world, you had to chalk onto mine. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Vistisen Posted March 20, 2022 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 20, 2022 21 hours ago, The Johnster said: Not with mine you don't; she is more than capable of berating me for ignoring and agreeing with her, which gets us back to square one for round 2... You need to learn to mulitask. That way you can listen to her and ignore her at the same time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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