The Forum Jokes Thread

[MartynJPearson]

Back in the 70's, two aircraft workers were painting a Concorde one hot, sunny, Friday afternoon.

"You know, this paint smells lovely," said one, "I wonder what it tastes like..."
"Give it a try," suggested the other one. A few tentative sips later, they both agreed that it was quite a nice brew. So nice that they downed the rest of the tin before knocking off for the day, rather inebriated.

Come Monday morning, they were both back at work.
"I had a terrible weekend, my nose grew really long and pointy, it's only just gone down again," said one.

"You think you've got problems," said the other, "I farted and spent all weekend getting back from Bahrain"

[leopardml2341]

On 06/06/2022 at 19:47, newbryford said:

Terrible news coming from Merseyside this morning.

 

The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for
 the foreseeable future to 25mph

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. 

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. 

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

 

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. 
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

MICHAEL!

Is all I will say

Edited June 10, 2022 by leopardml2341

[KeithMacdonald]

[Ian J.]

I'd tell a chemisty joke, but I don't think it would get a reaction...

[Reorte]

4 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Problem with that is that facts don't actually matter. Facts tell you everything about what is and nothing about what's worthwhile. Without subjectivity there's no way of saying what's important and what isn't, what's good and what is not. To dismiss anything as "just" an opinion is about as daft as pretending things as are you'd like them to be,

[Compound2632]

7 hours ago, Reorte said:

Problem with that is that facts don't actually matter. Facts tell you everything about what is and nothing about what's worthwhile. Without subjectivity there's no way of saying what's important and what isn't, what's good and what is not. To dismiss anything as "just" an opinion is about as daft as pretending things as are you'd like them to be,

 

That's the best joke I've read on here for some time, and that's a fact.

[DK123GWR]

23 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

That's the best joke I've read on here for some time, and that's a fact.

If you add the word 'exclusively' to the first sentence then it's pretty much spot on. Suppose that an evil supervillain rules over the world and is killing anyone who is right handed (the exact reasons they do this are not significant). If we only pay attention to empirically grounded, falsifiable facts then all that we can say is that 'a person rules over the world and is killing all right-handed people'.

 

What we cannot say is that the person is evil or a supervillain (for the same reasons) or that what they are doing is wrong and that it would be better if they were not able to do this. We cannot say that they ought to be stopped, nor that whoever did stop them would be worthy of praise. Clearly, the empirical facts are important, but unless we are also able to make normative judgements about them (and about counterfactual situations), the facts are rather useless.

 

One might also ask how you can argue that facts are important and opinion is not without resting it on some sort of opinion which cannot be empirically tested. Such an argument would not be sufficient to establish the conclusion, for reasons which I hope are obvious.

[Hibelroad]

I didn’t know we had started a philosophy thread, must dust off the old monty python song.  

[F-UnitMad]

45 minutes ago, Hibelroad said:

I didn’t know we had started a philosophy thread, must dust off the old monty python song.  

Or Douglas Adams' take on philosophers in the Hitchhikers' Guide...

"We are Philosophers.... but we might not be!"

"We want rigidly defined areas of Doubt & Uncertainty."

"What's the point of us staying up all night debating if God exists, only for a computer to give us his phone number the next morning?"

Edited June 11, 2022 by F-UnitMad
Spelling

[Compound2632]

44 minutes ago, DK123GWR said:

If you add the word 'exclusively' to the first sentence then it's pretty much spot on.

 

But the poster did not. Their statement is a gift to Trumpists and peddlers of quack theories everywhere. So really, not funny at all.

[KeithMacdonald]

9 hours ago, Reorte said:

Problem with that is that facts don't actually matter. Facts tell you everything about what is and nothing about what's worthwhile.

 

Agreed.

 

The root of the problem is the very meaning of the word "fact".  It comes from the same root as the word "factory". Now, all's well with "factory", we readily recognise that as a place where things are made. As Michael Caine might have said, Not-a-lot-of-people-know that a "fact" is just a thing that's been made. Or made-up.

 

And that's a fact.

[Colin_McLeod]

9 hours ago, Reorte said:

Problem with that is that facts don't actually matter. Facts tell you everything about what is and nothing about what's worthwhile. Without subjectivity there's no way of saying what's important and what isn't, what's good and what is not. To dismiss anything as "just" an opinion is about as daft as pretending things as are you'd like them to be,

 

Sure that's just your opinion.  😉

[Ian J.]

A sandwich walks into a bar.

 

The barman says: "We don't serve food here!"

[CameronL]

As we've gone all philosophical- 

 

Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?

 

Because all proper tea is theft.

[Reorte]

3 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

That's the best joke I've read on here for some time, and that's a fact.

 

What is it that makes a fact good or bad, meaningful or not? People blathering on about "facts not opinions" and the like place a lot of importance on something being a fact, but it's opinion that that ultimately decides whether or not a given fact has any importance. It is a fact that I have a cup of tea in front of me. That has some significance to me personally in that I am of the opinion / desire to drink a cup of tea, but it is of no relevance at all to anone else despite being a 100% solid, definite fact. At the other and of the scale very important things like elections are ultimately about opinions.

 

You need a good grasp of the facts in order to make decisions properly and to work out how to go about doing something. What decisions to make, what's actually worth doing though, very, very important and entirely opinion (even where the opinions are pretty much universal). The problem is that people have this weird idea that you can work out what should be done about everything logically and completely remove opinion from the picture, all about facts instead. That's an absurdity.

 

Facts are tools.

Edited June 11, 2022 by Reorte

[Ian J.]

When anyone bases their opinion on dubious interpretation (or outright deliberate ignorance) of available information that can be acceptably considered as 'fact', and that person has 'influence' in the minds and opinions of others, then the 'facts' become very meaningful, however seemingly innocuous they might appear.

[DK123GWR]

1 hour ago, CameronL said:

As we've gone all philosophical- 

 

Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?

 

Because all proper tea is theft.

'Property is theft' is actually a line from the anarchist thinker Proudhon. Marx thought it was quite contradictory. I'll get my anorak.

 

To get us back on track, I've been trying to think of jokes about philosophers, but I Kant. I guess I won't be scoring high Marx in a comedy competition. Whatever I do come up with will likely be so bad that they'll Locke me up, which might cause me some Paine. I would hate to be left in a room with nothing to do but listen to the clock go tick-Toqueville. I think I would rather be sentenced to hard labour in a Mill, or forced into exile and made to live on a Moore. I'm really starting to worry about this competition now: there's far too much on my Plato.

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

Is it an accepted fact that this is actually the jokes thread?

[slow8dirty]

Possibly not, it's becoming a bit of a joke

[Al51]

I'm not saying my driving is bad but I bought a Smart car and it won't let me in! 

 

Al

 

[CameronL]

15 minutes ago, Al51 said:

I'm not saying my driving is bad but I bought a Smart car and it won't let me in! 

 

Al

 

Shown before but worth a repeat - 

 

[Steamport Southport]

3 hours ago, CameronL said:

Shown before but worth a repeat - 

 

 

Then the truck gets hit by a train that is carrying Mom home from prison...

[NIK]

I'm learning a new country song on my geeetar written by poor, humble, peace lovin little Willy Brown just before the feds stormed his mansion just for him keeping a tank or ten on his drive.

 

The title is "Well I shot the dog and I shot your ma and now I'm gunnnin for you."

[Hroth]

5 hours ago, DK123GWR said:

'Property is theft' is actually a line from the anarchist thinker Proudhon. Marx thought it was quite contradictory. I'll get my anorak.

 

To get us back on track, I've been trying to think of jokes about philosophers, but I Kant. I guess I won't be scoring high Marx in a comedy competition. Whatever I do come up with will likely be so bad that they'll Locke me up, which might cause me some Paine. I would hate to be left in a room with nothing to do but listen to the clock go tick-Toqueville. I think I would rather be sentenced to hard labour in a Mill, or forced into exile and made to live on a Moore. I'm really starting to worry about this competition now: there's far too much on my Plato.

I drink therefore I am....

 

[The Johnster]

Property is theft, except for my property, which is property.