The Forum Jokes Thread

[KeithMacdonald]

[The Johnster]

I don't think I know any people without any problems...

[D-A-T]

[Bernard Lamb]

[aardvark]

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

 

[CameronL]

2 hours ago, aardvark said:

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

 

If a prostitute is sacked from the job, are they delayed?

[Compound2632]

2 minutes ago, CameronL said:

If a prostitute is sacked from the job, are they delayed?

 

Laid off, surely?

[Hroth]

15 minutes ago, CameronL said:

If a prostitute is sacked from the job, are they delayed?

So

 

If a windowcleaner is "let go", then are they defenestrated?

 

 

[The Johnster]

4 hours ago, aardvark said:

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

 

If Death were a drummer, would there be reapercussions?

[Hroth]

2 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

If Death were a drummer, would there be reapercussions?

 

I SHOULD THINK SO, MR JOHNSTER...

 

 

[CameronL]

4 hours ago, Hroth said:

So

 

If a windowcleaner is "let go", then are they defenestrated?

 

 

How does a pig feel once it's been castrated?

 

Disgruntled.

[Compound2632]

47 minutes ago, CameronL said:

How does a pig feel once it's been castrated?

 

Disgruntled.

 

Not sure about that - I think they grunt as much after as before, though there's no doubt a good deal of squealing during.

 

Next door's cat has a very high-pitched miaow - we think he was "done" too young - a feline Farinelli.

[KeithMacdonald]

[Bernard Lamb]

[Allegheny1600]

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[CameronL]

3 hours ago, Allegheny1600 said:

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

The main threat to Governmentium is the element Revolutium. Should Revolutium strike Governmentium the resultant catastrophic decay results in a whole range of new elements - the trans-insurrectic group. This group includes elements such as Socialisium, Dictatorium and Theocracium. These elements are characterised by a  nucleus composed of a massive central Supremo surrounded by a dense mass of lackeyons and hangerons. Orbiting the nucleus is a cloud of small, insignificant particles called proletarions.  Due of the subatomic forces within the trans-insurrectic elements,  proletarions move in fixed, well defined paths and can rarely change direction. 

 

The trans-insurrectic group have been known to react catastrophically with the element Capitalismium.  This element causes the proletarions to achieve a highly excited condition, resulting in a change of state. 

Edited August 5, 2022 by CameronL
Changed a bit

[newbryford]

 

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Al51]

[KeithMacdonald]

[BR60103]

Is Governmentium connected with ZincPest?

 

[PhilJ W]

11 hours ago, BR60103 said:

Is Governmentium connected with ZincPest?

 

Governmentium is an inert element that is linked to unobtanium.

[KeithMacdonald]

Only 37 games to go! What could possibly go wrong?

 

[Ian J.]

Bmth actually dropped a place since before the start of the season... 😉

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, Ian J. said:

Bmth actually dropped a place since before the start of the season... 😉

Depends on how you write their name. On the BBC website for instance, they are ahead of Arsenal!

 

https://www.bbc.com/sport/football/premier-league/table

[Allegheny1600]

My wife and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my wife would be out momentarily as she was just bidding goodnight to her mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid b1t#h was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her backside with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not cr@p in the vegetable garden again!"

 

I know it’s been on before, sorry but I love it!