The Forum Jokes Thread

[Tim123]

[Chris116]

2 hours ago, Tim123 said:

I don't dare show that to SWMBO! 

[pH]

[NIK]

Joe Biden has asked the FBI to look for six documents in his home. They're not classified - its just he left the nuclear button and his glasses with them.

[F-UnitMad]

12 hours ago, pH said:

I guess that one needs interpreting into English..?? 

[KeithMacdonald]

[Hroth]

12 hours ago, pH said:

 

48 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said:

I guess that one needs interpreting into English..?? 

 

I think we get the gist.

Americanese - English is relatively easy.

English - Americanese tends to be more difficult....

 

[CameronL]

4 hours ago, Hroth said:

 

 

I think we get the gist.

Americanese - English is relatively easy.

English - Americanese tends to be more difficult....

 

Have you ever had one of those moments when your mouth acts on its own without any input at all from your brain?

 

I was on a SCUBA diving holiday in Hurghada,  Egypt and, while walking down to the port to get on our dive boat, we were approached by a young man wearing an NY Giants baseball cap and t-shirt, aviator sunglasses and baggy shorts. In a loud and (to my way of thinking) not very polite way, he asked "Hey, any of you guys speak English?" 

 

Well, Mouth told Brain to butt out.

 

My answer (in my best Posh Brit accent)?

 

"Probably better than you do."

Edited January 22, 2023 by CameronL

[The White Rabbit]

7 minutes ago, CameronL said:

.... In a loud and (to my way of thinking) not very polite way, he asked "Hey, any of you guys speak English?" ...

 

Que? 

[Nick C]

4 hours ago, CameronL said:

Have you ever had one of those moments when your mouth acts on its own without any input at all from your brain?

 

I was on a SCUBA diving holiday in Hurghada,  Egypt and, while walking down to the port to get on our dive boat, we were approached by a young man wearing an NY Giants baseball cap and t-shirt, aviator sunglasses and baggy shorts. In a loud and (to my way of thinking) not very polite way, he asked "Hey, any of you guys speak English?" 

 

Well, Mouth told Brain to butt out.

 

My answer (in my best Posh Brit accent)?

 

"Probably better than you do."

"No, I'm very sorry old boy, I don't think anyone around here does"...

 

That ought to confuse them...

 

I was watching a foreign movie a while back, with English subtitles. It took a couple of minutes of the dialogue in one particular scene before I realised the characters had switched to speaking English...

[KeithMacdonald]

10 minutes ago, Nick C said:

"No, I'm very sorry old boy, I don't think anyone around here does"...

That ought to confuse them...

 

5 hours ago, CameronL said:

Have you ever had one of those moments when your mouth acts on its own without any input at all from your brain?

 

c.1980, back in the era when I had dark hair, I was working for a while in Goa, long enough to get well tanned.  I'd arranged to meet some Anglo-Indian friends in the Cathedral Square at 18.00. I got there on the dot, forgetting that Indian time travels much more slowly. So while waiting (and waiting...), had a few beers, listening to the choir practice from the cathedral. By 19.30 I was well-mellowed, enjoying the beer and the beautiful music. At which point, I was rudely interrupted by an English tourist couple. I could tell they were English tourists, because they were bright pink.

 

In hindsight, I recognise they must have thought I was a Goa Local, because they proceeded to say to me , very slowly:

Excuse ... me ... can ... you ... tell .. us ... the ... way ... to ... the ... Benetton  ... shop.

 

I have to confess I was a bit beer-confused by that - why are they talking like that? - and looked at them open-mouthed, like a Goan village idiot.

 

So being True Brits Abroad, they replied, the same but louder.

EXCUSE ME CAN YOU TELL US THE WAY TO THE BENETTON SHOP

 

By now, the fog had cleared a bit and I replied, in my plumiest British Officer voice.

Oh yes, if you take the first turning on the right, you will be heading in the right direction.

 

They looked shocked and thanked me. Then wandered off, with the occasional glance over their shoulder, not quite sure what they'd just met.

 

[Colin_McLeod]

I was asked directions in Calais once. The English tourist's French was as poor as mine so I understood what they were trying to say. I responded in my Northern Ireland accent "It's down that road then second right after the lights"

[Reorte]

2 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

I was asked directions in Calais once. The English tourist's French was as poor as mine so I understood what they were trying to say. I responded in my Northern Ireland accent "It's down that road then second right after the lights"

 

Several years ago I was staying in a hotel in France for work for a couple of weeks. For the first few days I was saying hello in French to the receptionist, she was replying likewise, until it eventually turned out she was Swedish and her English was better than her French.

[CameronL]

5 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

I was asked directions in Calais once. The English tourist's French was as poor as mine so I understood what they were trying to say. I responded in my Northern Ireland accent "It's down that road then second right after the lights"

When my daughter was 16 and doing her French GCSE she had a school trip to France. On the ferry she very proudly ordered her lunch from a kiosk in French to be answered "You're alright, luv." in a broad Scouse accent.

[RJS1977]

One of my teachers had done National Service in Germany. One day, having got lost, he asked a passer-by (in German) the way to the railway station.

The passer-by replied "If you'd speak in American, I'd be all right, but I can't understand a word of this crazy language!" and walked off!

[LimboBrit]

32 minutes ago, CameronL said:

When my daughter was 16 and doing her French GCSE she had a school trip to France. On the ferry she very proudly ordered her lunch from a kiosk in French to be answered "You're alright, luv." in a broad Scouse accent.

My sister was once on a school exchange staying with a family in France. Having eaten, the French host asked if she wanted any more to which my sister replied translating literally from English, "No thank you. I'm full". Apparantly "Non merci. Je suis plein" means "No thank you. I'm pregnant".

Edited January 23, 2023 by LimboBrit

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

My other half, when on a trip to France, once meant to reply to a Frenchman’s question by saying that she didn’t speak French. What she said was “Non, je n’aime pas les Francais.”

[2750Papyrus]

[pH]

9 hours ago, LimboBrit said:

Having eaten, the French host asked if she wanted any more to which my sister replied translating literally from English, "No thank you. I'm full". Apparantly "Non merci. Je suis plein" means "No thank you. I'm pregnant".

A friend of mine did that at a reception on a school trip to France - having been selected to give the ‘thank you’ speech. Adding to the amusement was the fact that my friend was male.

[pH]

9 hours ago, RJS1977 said:

One of my teachers had done National Service in Germany. One day, having got lost, he asked a passer-by (in German) the way to the railway station.

The passer-by replied "If you'd speak in American, I'd be all right, but I can't understand a word of this crazy language!" and walked off!

This is not in any way to imply that all US service members are rude - it’s just that the first languages of those in this incident are relevant.

Two US servicemen got onto a Berlin bus a friend and I were on. They had an argument with the driver about the fare. The driver spoke only in German, they spoke only in English and were quite abusive. Eventually things were sorted out and they moved back in the bus to find a seat. As the driver moved off, he announced over the PA in almost unaccented English “You forgot your f…..g change”. As we got off, we complimented him on his vocabulary.

Edited January 23, 2023 by pH

[PhilJ W]

[proton]

22 hours ago, LimboBrit said:

My sister was once on a school exchange staying with a family in France. Having eaten, the French host asked if she wanted any more to which my sister replied translating literally from English, "No thank you. I'm full". Apparantly "Non merci. Je suis plein" means "No thank you. I'm pregnant".

My girlfriend just before I emigrated had an identical experience (she wasn't pregnant, of course...), and her host explained that the correct expression was je suis rassasier).  I married a French Canadian woman, so I get to use the expression regularly.

[LimboBrit]

18 hours ago, Obi-Jiff Kenobi said:

My other half, when on a trip to France, once meant to reply to a Frenchman’s question by saying that she didn’t speak French. What she said was “Non, je n’aime pas les Francais.”

You can have a lot of fun making mistakes when learning a foreign language. You just have to embrace them. I've made more than my fair share learning Dutch. To British ears there is an indiscernible difference in sound between the Dutch words for "yellow" and "horny". It nearly got me into trouble when I was in conversation with a Dutch female friend who was wearing an all yellow outfit.

[Dick Turpin]

[KeithMacdonald]

10 minutes ago, LimboBrit said:

To British ears there is an indiscernible difference in sound between the Dutch words for "yellow" and "horny". It nearly got me into trouble when I was in conversation with a Dutch female friend who was wearing an all yellow outfit.

 

Reminds me of a very attractive German women I once met on holiday.

 

She told me she was a catering manager for Lufthansa. Maybe it was the noisy bar, or the pronunciation, or the drink, or how I was feeling. But for some strange reason I thought she was saying "Lust Hansa".  Which has quite a different meaning.

 

She had the grace to laugh when I looked confused and said "Lusthansa?"

Lost in translation.