KeithMacdonald Posted August 20, 2023 Share Posted August 20, 2023 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted August 20, 2023 Share Posted August 20, 2023 3 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 20, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 20, 2023 I'd been dating my girl for a while and thought it time to take her to meet family . Didn't go quite as planned . Now the kids don't talk to me and the wife wants a divorce . 12 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
aardvark Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 I threw a ball for my dog on the weekend. Well, it was his birthday, and he looks good in a tuxedo. 19 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
exmoordave Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 As I get older I think of all the people I've lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me..... 1 16 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
exmoordave Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 I've sorted out the cleaning rota at the zoo. The lion sweeps tonight..... 15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted August 21, 2023 Share Posted August 21, 2023 David and Mary were in the fertilized egg business. They had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. Mary kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so David bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so they could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, being retired they could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. David's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When they went to investigate, they saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To David's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Both David and Mary were so proud of old Butch, they entered him in the local show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells. 4 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 21, 2023 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 21, 2023 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted August 21, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2023 ???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 21, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2023 2 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said: ???? Its an abbreviation for Gosport but as written could read g-spot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 22, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2023 21 hours ago, exmoordave said: I've sorted out the cleaning rota at the zoo. The lion sweeps tonight..... That's better than the similarly-themed joke awarded best on the Edinburgh Fringe this year: "I dated a zookeeper but it turned out he was a cheetah." - which simply doesn't work, IMHO. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Ramblin Rich Posted August 22, 2023 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 22, 2023 42 minutes ago, Compound2632 said: That's better than the similarly-themed joke awarded best on the Edinburgh Fringe this year: "I dated a zookeeper but it turned out he was a cheetah." - which simply doesn't work, IMHO. You just have to run with it 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 1 hour ago, Compound2632 said: That's better than the similarly-themed joke awarded best on the Edinburgh Fringe this year: "I dated a zookeeper but it turned out he was a cheetah." - which simply doesn't work, IMHO. Well, considering they probably banned all the good comedians we are left with the dregs. If this is the best comedy on the circuit then I truly despair. Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted August 22, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2023 It's funny that anyone would find that lot funny. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 22, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2023 Feeble lot, aren't they? 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 Not even a proper GROAN in there! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 Along with the comedian having his shows cancelled because his material apparently didn't fit in with the ethos of various venues, it sounds like the Fringe was pretty po-faced this year. 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 2 minutes ago, Hroth said: Along with the comedian having his shows cancelled because his material apparently didn't fit in with the ethos of various venues, it sounds like the Fringe was pretty po-faced this year. Well as AY Mod says in the header, "Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!" Think the Fringe organisers are taking the same opinion, and adding several other topic of humour while they are at it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 26 minutes ago, luckymucklebackit said: Well as AY Mod says in the header, "Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!" Think the Fringe organisers are taking the same opinion, and adding several other topic of humour while they are at it. This isn't a comedy festival though, that is, or supposed to be.... Whatever happened to the old tagline "If you are easily offended then don't attend this show"? I'm afraid I'm totally against censorship in the arts. If any activity did cross the line then I'm sure that is what the police are supposedly there for. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibelroad Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 The Fringe jokes are so bad they even make this thread look good. 5 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted August 22, 2023 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2023 2 hours ago, Hibelroad said: The Fringe jokes are so bad they even make this thread look good. Indeed. I'm regretting saying that @exmoordave's joke was better than the best of the Fringe as I could so easily be taken as damning with faint praise. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Pilotman Posted August 22, 2023 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 22, 2023 6 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: Well, considering they probably banned all the good comedians we are left with the dregs. And who might they be? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leicester Thumper Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 I was baffled to visit my granddad whom I found shoving a paracetamol into the telephone socket. Turns out he was trying to get his tablet online.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
33C Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 That's nothing. My grandad shot down three german planes..in 1977. That will teach Lufthansa to lose his luggage... 2 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
exmoordave Posted August 22, 2023 Share Posted August 22, 2023 I was clearing out the loft the other day with the wife. Filthy dirty & covered with cobwebs but she's good with the kids. Up there we found an old chair and a violin. So I took them to a dealer and he said what you have there is a Stradivarius & a Chippendale. Unfortunately Stradivarius made lousy furniture and Chippendale made terrible violins. 3 12 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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