Jinty3f Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Heard it before (in post 602 on this page!) OK, on the previous page!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted January 13, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 13, 2012 ^^^^ On a long thread as this there's bound to be a few repeats - but it's MUCH fewer repeats than on BBC at the moment! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Q. - What do you call a blind stag? A. - No idea. Q. - What do you call a blind stag with no legs? A. - Still no idea. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 What did the slug say to the snail? "Big Issue?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 If you ever join a religion, go for the Hokey Cokeyists. They know what it's all about. steve 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks..... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely. .... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" His left eye is still swollen....but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much clearer in the future. Edited January 18, 2012 by shortliner 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 (edited) Try #2611 Edited April 3, 2017 by Titan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the Med. Last weeks was a rollover...................................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Lay off the cruise ship jokes, lads. Would we be telling similar funnies after a fatal train crash? Just a thought... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonBradley Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Sorry, but I had to laugh at the play of words in both of them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium jbqfc Posted January 22, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 22, 2012 What do you get when you cross a yogurt with a psycic? Someone who dabbles in the Yakult 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 (edited) Another Wobbly Thompson skit - steve Edited January 22, 2012 by steve1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I went to see Ready, Steady, Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 22, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 22, 2012 ........when he emptied his bag he had Chicken breasts Peppers Fresh asparagus Sweetcorn Three bottles of merlot Cheddar cheese Chocolate A bottle of champagne A piece of Red Leicester ...... and £3.52 change 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Russ (mines a pint) Posted January 25, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 25, 2012 Lay off the cruise ship jokes, lads. Would we be telling similar funnies after a fatal train crash? Just a thought... The thing is we probably would, or if not someone else would be... I first became aware of this type of humour at the time of the Kape Kanaveral Space shuttle thing all those years ago - 7UP etc? - A sense of humour is the way human beings overcome terrible adversities whether they be they losses at war or in peacetime. OK its not tasteful to make jokes whilst there are still people to be accounted for, but I think the catalougue of errors that have gone with this will provide material for comedians for years to come. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I hope I don't get kicked off the forum for this. The govenor of a city jail visits a condemned woman in her cell and asks if she has any final requests. "Yes," she says, "I would like to be hanged in the nude." Although it was an unusual request, he agreed. The next morning the hangman was standing by the trapdoor with the noose ready when the prisoner walked out in her birthday suit. The hangman was overwhelmed by her beauty and said "You have the most beautiful body I have ever seen." To which she replied "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut." Matt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Lay off the cruise ship jokes, lads. Would we be telling similar funnies after a fatal train crash? Just a thought... The thing is we probably would, or if not someone else would be... I first became aware of this type of humour at the time of the Kape Kanaveral Space shuttle thing all those years ago - 7UP etc? - A sense of humour is the way human beings overcome terrible adversities whether they be they losses at war or in peacetime. OK its not tasteful to make jokes whilst there are still people to be accounted for, but I think the catalougue of errors that have gone with this will provide material for comedians for years to come. Indeed, the use of black humour is recognised by psychologists as a defence mechanism. Some of this that I heard while working as a hospital operating theatre technician would make any of today's "edgy" standups seem tame, and I wouldn't repeat any of it purely as entertainment. All right, a matter of taste; leave it at that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted January 25, 2012 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted January 25, 2012 As a defence mechanism for those involved, maybe - they are the ones involved so who are others to stop them using humour to help cope with their situation. As for a means of entertainment for those not involved, on an unrelated forum, probably not. Anyway, back to the jokes. Is a "Political" joke allowed? Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.†Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?†Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.†That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.†Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?†Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit.†2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
34theletterbetweenB&D Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Meanwhile, in the countryside, a retired couple have set up home in what they hope will be peaceful agricultural location following a working life in the aggressive, noisy, in your face big city where they pursued their careers. The new home is all they hoped for, but sometimes while enjoying the garden they notice quite a racket coming from an adjacent farm. After a few weeks of this they decider to investigate, and walk around to the farm concerned, which specialises in fruit growing. They knock on the farmhouse door, and eventually it is answered by a very harrassed looking man. He listens as they explain their circumstances and the reason for the call, shaking his head. 'Well, says the farmer, best you see for yourselves. I needed a new crop for some difficult and marginally productive land, something to attract buyers concerned with ethical issues in agriculture and willing to pay a premium price for it. So when I saw a new genetically engineered fruit crop, fully organic, totally environmentally sensitive, grows vigourously by itself with no care required, extremely prolific output, I thought there's the thing. Come and see'. He leads them round the house and toward a hedged field with a gate giving access. As they near the gate it is obvious that the growth in the field is rampant. Suddenly the whole growth starts surging backwards and forward and kicking up a terrific racket which sounds like dustbins being hit with baseball bats and loud chanting. A positive hail of clods of earth and large squashy ripe fruit are directed at the farmer and his new neighbours who are forced to retire to a safe distance. 'Well', say the newcomers, 'that's like the city demos we came here to get away from'. 'Yes', says the farmer, 'and I could cheerfully do murder on whoever bred up sloganberries'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold 96701 Posted January 26, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 26, 2012 Checking out at the supermarket recently, the young cashier suggested I should bring my own bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. I apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days“. The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations“. She was right about one thing–our generation didn’t have the green thing in “Our†day. So what did we have back then? After some reflection and soul-searching on “Our†day, here’s what I remembered we did have…. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles repeatedly. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies because we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn’t have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Wales. In the kitchen, we blended & stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right. We didn’t have the green thing back then. We drank from a water fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then? 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 This would be a joke, were the story behind it not so tragic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. Before his second mass he asked the Monsignor for his guidance to help him relax. The Monsignor said, “next Sunday it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher, after a few sips everything should run smoothly. The next Sunday the new Priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to talk up a storm, he felt great. However, on his return to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. Next time sip rather than gulp. There are 10 commandments not 12. There are 12 disciples not 10. We do not refer to the cross as “the Big T†The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grubâ€. We do not refer to our Saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as “ J.C and the boysâ€. David slew Goliath, he did not “kick the ###### out of him†It is always the Virgin Mary, never “the Mary with the Cherry†During communion it is never appropriate to say “Cheers†Last but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St Peter’s, as far as I know there is no St Taffy’s!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 You know you’re getting old…… Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after but you didn’t have the night before. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. You get winded playing chess. You’re still chasing women, but can’t remember why. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favourite part of the newspaper is “25 years ago todayâ€. You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won’t. You’re 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist and 116 around the golf course. The best part of the day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You burn the midnight oil until 9:00pm. Your back goes out more than you do. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when a pretty girl goes by. The little grey haired old lady you help across the road, is your wife. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, The doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, Diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins". 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Did ye hear the one about the Kerryman who went on Mastermind? Pat goes and sits in the spotlight in that big black chair there, and they announce his specialist subject: "Ireland, the Easter Rising and the War of Independence 1916-1921". "Start the clock" says yer man. "First question: name one of the leaders of the Easter Rising of 1916" - "Pass." "Name the IRA leader who led the fight against the British before agreeing to partition." - "Pass." "Name the first President of the Irish Free State." - "Pass." And a voice shouts out from the audience: "Good man, Pat! Tell the b*stards f**k all!!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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