travelintrev Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 THE TOILET SEAT My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 15, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 15, 2012 THE TOILET SEAT Who did she hit first, her husband or the doctor. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Sorry I'm not clever enough to "dub" this but I'm sure you'll get it with the translation here. A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen. She asks: “Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?†This is in German but that's all you really need to know. You'll get the rest: ) http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/ 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travelintrev Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 (edited) (I hope this brightens up your day) After living in the remote countryside all his life, an old man decided it was time to visit the Capital . In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Father.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.' Edited July 15, 2012 by Mod5 Edited to remove massive empty space 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady started taking off her clothes..... Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Lastnight, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,so she pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone,another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. Seeing the way things are going,the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me onto try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Don't know if I have posted this before or whether some else has! The Haircut One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted July 18, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) Dont do like I did and scrimp on you hearing aids or this could be you . No,' she sighed, gazing sadly at the large stuffed crust Hawaiian with extra cheese, 'I said I'm really turned on by orders from dominants' Edited July 18, 2012 by Sidecar Racer 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Just finished reading 50 shades of gravy. It was quite saucy. To add to Mike's post, here are a couple from 50 Sheds of Grey's twitter feed. I froze when I saw the room full of masks, saddles and oddly-shaped battery-powered devices. That was it - no more drunk-ebaying for me. 'Punish me,' she cried desperately, 'Make me suffer like only a real man can!' 'Very well,' I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timara Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 The Higgs' Boson goes into a church. The priest says "Your type are not allowed in church." Higgs' Boson replies "Without me, you would not have mass" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 She's a virgin & they are both waiters. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ************************************* ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER ************************************** DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT ************************************ THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE *********************************** GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE ************************************* THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS *************************************** DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM ************************************* SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ***************************************** ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ******************************************* ELECTION RESULTS : When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT *************************************** SNOOZE ALARMS : When you rearrange the letters: ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S ****************************************** A DECIMAL POINT : When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE ******************************************** THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ********************************************* ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Edited July 20, 2012 by kandc_au 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is: a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise:a Congress of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons.They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons??? Believe it or not ……. a Parliament A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out from Parliament at Canberra! You just can’t make this stuff up. Edited July 20, 2012 by kandc_au 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted July 20, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Little Robert comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little Robert. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little cheesed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a knowing smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?" Edited July 20, 2012 by Welly 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) A bloke and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. few drinks later, the bloke takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and asks: "Are you a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?" "She replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and the inevitable happens... After it's over the girl says: "You must be a fantastic dentist." The bloke, now with a hugely inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a great dentist, one of the best. How did you figure that out?" The girl replies:..... "I didn't feel a thing." Edited July 20, 2012 by DonB 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted July 20, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 20, 2012 The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. ... and, presumably because they look so wise: a Congress of owls. Actually a group of owls is called a Parliament Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ……. a Parliament A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS! Actually it isn't. It's called a Flange or a Troop. I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out from Parliament at Canberra! You just can’t make this stuff up. Well, somebody obviously did! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Pretty sure that "Flange" for a group of baboons was made up by Not the Nine O'Clock News for the "Gerald the Gorilla" sketch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) "Alas Smith & Jones" had a sketch (which I can't find on YouTube, unfortunately) with a couple of monks compiling a list of collective nouns. The names grew more and more ridiculous (a masturbati0n of rhinoceroses etc.), and the book was closed with the title "A Load of Boll0cks". Edited July 21, 2012 by bluebottle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Pretty sure that "Flange" for a group of baboons was made up by Not the Nine O'Clock News for the "Gerald the Gorilla" sketch. ... and according to something I heard on Radio 4 has passed into common usage entirely because of that sketch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 ... and according to something I heard on Radio 4 has passed into common usage entirely because of that sketch. I think it may have been on QI, rather than Radio 4, where Stephen Fry quoted an Amazon review of a book which referred to a flange of baboons. Even then, it wasn't clear whether the use of the word "flange" came from the book itself, or the review. If the latter, it was probably someone having a chuckle. Not so sure about common usage. Gosh, this thread has turned rather erudite, hasn't it? Sorry - please get back to cutting and pasting old jokes from elsewhere... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Sorry - please get back to cutting and pasting old jokes from elsewhere... ...and please at least try to check whether they've been used on this forum before... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted July 21, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 21, 2012 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) ....Gosh, this thread has turned rather erudite, hasn't it?... That's because some of us are Radio 4 listeners! EDIT: and from a certain Radio 4 show..... Q: How many G4S employees does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four soldiers and a policeman. Edited July 23, 2012 by Horsetan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted July 25, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 25, 2012 Might amuse those under 12 years old..... Q "What do you call the international games for very fat athletes?" A "The Olumpic Games!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 ...and please at least try to check whether they've been used on this forum before... No! ......If you have been paying attention you will recognise the "old ones", if not, then the joke is (often) funny. It's also interesting to see how jokes Morph over the years! Many years ago I heard a Club-Circuit Comedian say that there are "only seven jokes in the world, everything else is a variation of them". He then entertained us for 2 hours with the variations!. Now prove that wrong......! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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