The Forum Jokes Thread

[Budgie]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation, by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

 

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

 

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

 

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

 

'Yes, Father?'

 

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

 

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'

[Budgie]

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

 

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

 

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

 

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

 

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish! So the fairy waved her magic wand and Poof!... The husband became 92 years old.

 

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....

[Claude_Dreyfus]

I'm really starting to hate those stupid little Russian dolls.

 

 

They're so full of themselves...

[Claude_Dreyfus]

I regret buying those koi carp recently...

 

Perhaps I should have bought the more outgoing ones instead.

[Tom D]

THE  SENSITIVITY OF CANADIAN SENIORS.

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. 

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady..

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,

 

[Taz]

I've just been offered a 50" plasma full HD TV, volume stuck on high for a quid.

Can't turn that down....

[Claude_Dreyfus]

I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...

 

I haven't even got any coconuts.

[steve1]

"First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

 

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left" -

 

steve

[BoD]

The F.A. are going to implement a minutes applause at all premier games this weekend in appreciation of Sir Alex Ferguson.

 

It will last for one and a half minutes.

[newbryford]

I was asked the other day if I was available to coach a football team in Sheffield.

 

I said I can't manage Wednesdays...............

 

Cheers,

Mick

[newbryford]

I went to my boss's house for dinner the other night.

 

His wife asked me how many potatoes I would like.

 

I replied "just one please"

 

She said that I didn't need to be polite.

 

"OK", I said, "just one, you stupid cow......".

 

Cheers,

Mick

[John_Hughes]

The vet's just gone to bed when the phone rings - a local farmer with an emergency, worried that the dog's swallowed a condom.

 

Cursing a bit, the vet drags his clothes on, jumps in the car and heads out. He's half-way to the farm when his mobile goes.

 

It's the farmer again. Don't worry, we've found another one.

[Wacol]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator
door.


Dear Dogs & Cats,


The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to
open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: kiss me first, then go smell
the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following
message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR
PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and
don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...

 

[Claude_Dreyfus]

I hate people who use decimal numbers.

 

If I was in charge, I'd round them all up.

[steve1]

 

steve

[gazmanjack]

 

steve

Q. Who is in charge of Security...?         A. The chap that lost the key....??

Edited May 30, 2013 by gazmanjack

[Claude_Dreyfus]

My mate came to me and said he wanted to start breeding dogs.

 

So I gave him a couple of pointers.

[Colin_McLeod]

  --- After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[AndrewC]

Sweet dreams are made of cheese,

Who am I to diss a brie.

I cheddar the world,

and the feta cheese.

Everyone is looking for Stilton.

[shortliner]

Old Medical School Entrance Exam

 

 

 

            

 

 

When I was young (many yrs. ago)
and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included
several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the
letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body
that is more useful when erect."
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.

 

The rest ended up in Parliament 

 

 

 

[Colin_McLeod]

'Let's Parlez Franglais!'

Le Royal visit de Camilla a Paris

Camilla - 'Er....bonjour tout le monde'
Premier bloke français dans crowd -'Blimey. Le Lady Diana n'a pas âgée tres well!'
Camilla - 'Non, je suis Camilla, le Duchess de Cornwall'
Premier bloke français - 'Qui?'
Camilla - 'La femme de Prince Charles'
Deuxieme bloke français- 'Ah, quel dommage! Nous were hoping for la fruity Kate avec sa... bump'
Premier bloke français - 'Ou la fruity Pippa avec la derrière de nos rêves! Ooh la la!
Premiere femme française - 'Taisez-vous up! Vous ne standez pas une chance avec fruity Pippa. Elee est hors de votre league, Monsieur Saddo!'
Camilla - 'Er....Anyone got un fag? Je suis gasping pour un gaspeur'
Homme égyptien dans le crowd - 'Bien sur! Et puis-je aussi giver vous un lift a la Ritz dans ma chauffeur-driven voiture?'
Camilla - 'Pas blooming likely!'

(Private Eye 1342)

[Guest Gloria Sass]

The Census

 

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
"Does Louis Goldman live here?" he asks.
"No," replies Goldman.
"Well, then, what is your name?"
"Louis Goldman."
"Wait a minute--didn't you just tell me that Goldman doesn't live here?"
"Aha," says Goldman. "You call this living?"

Edited June 13, 2013 by Gloria Sass

[Edge]

Dear Sir,

 

I do hope that your lawsuit turns out better than the one I am wearing.

 

Kindly,

Groucho Marx

[Guest Gloria Sass]

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.” Groucho Marx

[Edge]

Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend. inside of a dog its too dark to read...

 

GM