Loneliness vs. Solitude - Please Take Care

[Ian J.]

Something that comes up every now and then in news is how apparently there is an 'epidemic' of loneliness in this country (and others as well, probably). This time it was this report (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42354807) which caught my attention and reminded me of something I wanted to 'rant' about.
 
I don't doubt that there are many people who feel lonely, especially at certain times of year like Christmas, and who do definitely need to have company. They wouldn't be 'normal' human beings if they didn't. The various public services need to recognize the problem and do indeed need to do something about it.
 
However, it is the case that not everyone needs company. A few of us, and I include myself in 'us', need the opposite, that is, to be away from people, and forcing us to be in company actually makes things worse (both for us and for those we are forced into company with).
 
I feel my recent diagnosis of a mild Aspergers condition reinforces this. For me it costs 'energy' to be around people, to have to keep filters and adapters in place to try and cope with the way others expect social situations to work. That can be very exhausting, and eventually lead to mental breakdowns if there is no respite.
 
So what I would ask is this: when someone is on their own, at Christmas or at any other time of year, don't just presume that they need company. Ask them. Make sure their answer isn't just them not wanting to be a 'nuisance', and if they are clear they don't need company, accept it and have ways to help them be in solitude, because that'll be what they need.

 

Rant over.

[New Haven Neil]

Very pertinent.  

 

Our dear friend who lost her husband (my best mate) in an accident three years ago likes to be alone at Christmas.  Not the evening when we are invited, but Christmas Eve and through Christmas Day she prefers to be on her own.  It has taken her family three years to come to terms with the fact she doesn't want them to come over (they all live in England) to 'keep her company' as she will 'need them' on the day.  She doesn't.  She is a highly intelligent woman (MSc) who really knows her own mind and what works for her, and what doesn't.  If she wanted company, she has a good large circle of friends - who she politely asks to stay away!  It is her own way of getting through a difficult time for her, not as a result of a condition such as Ian mentions, but the same rules apply.

 

Good post, and good wishes to you.

[allan downes]

 

The only time I want to be alone is when I fart.

[jjb1970]

A very good post. Maybe it is because I am an ex-merchant seaman but I think solitude has its place and while I enjoy the company of other people I also think it important to have time on my own.

[Dunsignalling]

The only time I want to be alone is when I fart.

Me too, but it seems to self-regulate. Whenever I do, I find the number of people wanting to keep me company drops off at more-or-less the same time.

 

Ain't sprouts wonderful.

 

John

[Horsetan]

[Enterprisingwestern]

To me, the two words have completely different meanings, loneliness is an unwanted enforced seperation from contact, whereas solitude is a self selected option.

Both need to be recognised and dealt with accordingly IMHO.

 

Mike.

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

...However, it is the case that not everyone needs company ...

 A very effective and caring community centre in our area uses as its tagline 'Where you are never alone'.

 

It sounds like a threat to me too...

[tamperman36]

Whilst I like my solitude there are times when I get lonely, SWMBO works nights so spends her days in bed. As our 3 girls live with there grand parents for reasons I will not get into now, it is this time of year that really feels lonely. Friends we regularly used to see no longer call as they don't know how to treat us.

[tetsudofan]

An excellent posting. For me the Christmas/New Year period is a time of contemplation which I prefer to spend on my own. 

 

Back in 1985 my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on December 23rd and passed away a few weeks later. 8 years ago I had to put my mother in care over the New Year period as her dementia had reached the stage that I could no longer care for her at home. The worst thing at that time was that I had to lie to her to persuade her to get into the car knowing that she would never return to her own home. That was difficult.

 

Two years ago I thought it was my turn as on December 23rd (note the date!!) I had a cystoscopy which discovered something unusual  but luckily a later biopsy confirmed that nothing was wrong.

 

Maybe having been single all my life and having spent most of my working life in the Far East I've got used to doing things on my own but, at times, it is difficult getting my friends to accept this.

 

Keith

[Fenman]

One of the few psychoanalytic concepts that has so far been supported after scientific scrutiny* is the personality spectrum of introversion <-> extraversion.

 

A friend summarised the practical difference rather well: for people at the extraversion end, just being in company with others recharges their batteries - giving them energy they will later need to tolerate being on their own. But for introverts like me, it's the opposite: being alone recharges my batteries, and I then spend that energy just by being with other people. I maybe wouldn't go as far as Sartre, that "Hell is other people", but I do sometimes get close to that. The same friend described the condition of introverts who have been forced to spend too long in company as "people poisoning".

 

But I think the OP is bang-on to contrast loneliness and solitude. There's a wonderful book called Solitude, by Anthony Storr, which explores the positive side of that condition - and remarks on how many of the world's geniuses were either anti-social, single, or sought solitude.

 

Paul

 

* Which doesn't necessarily mean the other concepts are all pants - it could just be we haven't yet worked out how to validate them. Or they could be pants.

[unklian]

All good points.

 

The biggest problem I can see for the loners is when they get to an age where they need practical help. They are then faced with asking for something they are not used to asking for, are unwilling to ask for and don't really want. Also any kind of home or accommodation that is shared with others is like a jail sentence . I sincerely hope I die before I get to that stage .

[Guius]

I've spent the last 23years working for my self and for the most part completely alone and it suits me just fine, but I value the company of friends and family and relish time spent in their company. Over the years I've come to know a few farmers who would 'talk the hind legs off a donkey' give the chance of even the briefest of personal contact, these, naturally gregarious people find themselves in a very solitudinous job and thereby, I think, mismatched in there vocation. Unfortunately farmers suffer from one of the highest rates of suicide due in no small part to the lack human contact.

My point being that solitude does not all ways equate to loneliness but it's very hard to know the difference from the outside.

 

Guy  

[laurenceb]

Loneliness is being alone in a crowd. For me three is a crowd.

[Dick Turpin]

Perhaps people should consider the benefits of smoking.

 

 

You are never alone with a Strand, apparently. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a more serious note, despite being surrounded by people and sometimes hardly ever managing to find time to myself, I sometimes feel terribly lonely, meaning that I have noticed that no experience is ever truly shared, no understanding genuinely mutual and despite my wishing for it, mutual empathy seems to be a myth. Its a good thing I learned to rely on my own council and to trust no-one at an early age. I don't think it's a coincidence that a lot of us feel the same and are interested in railways, history and model making either. 

Edited December 16, 2017 by Dick Turpin

[47137]

All good points.

 

The biggest problem I can see for the loners is when they get to an age where they need practical help. They are then faced with asking for something they are not used to asking for, are unwilling to ask for and don't really want. Also any kind of home or accommodation that is shared with others is like a jail sentence . I sincerely hope I die before I get to that stage .

Earlier this year I had the task of seeing a relative move into a care home. I shall print out this whole topic and take it with me when I next go to see them, hoping one or both of us will see the situation better. Sometimes I think I get more help about people than about model trains here!

 

- Richard.

[Gordon A]

Because some people prefer solitude does not mean that they do not have friends they can turn to.

 

I am one of those who prefers to be on my own for Christmas. Single bloke with both parents deceased etc.

 

My life has worked out fairly well with times of solitude (Good for modelling, thinking and low stress levels) interspersed with group activities.

I belong to two model railway groups which meet weekly and three Land Rover groups that meet monthly, plus  my fortnightly lunchtime beer with an ex colleague and friend in the Forest of Dean.

 

I would say that as long as there is balance in life then periods of solitude have their advantages.

 

Gordon A

Edited December 16, 2017 by Gordon A

[Tim Dubya]

You can be sounded by people / be in relationships and still be lonely. It's something I experienced for a long time many years ago.

[lofty1966]

It looks like I will be spending Christmas on my own after being barred from my house by the Police after soon to be Ex Wife pulled a fast one , filing an assault charge knowing it would result in me being homeless.

With a No contact order on my 17 year old son as he is a “witness” I can’t even send him a Christmas card!

 

My Oldest Son and my Daughter will be with their partners families which leaves me in my daughters uni rental house twiddling my thumbs , I guess.

Not looking forward to it tbh

[Tom J]

Solidarity, Lofty. Been there, done that, bought the T shirt. Ontario's a bit of a hike from here, but make haste slowly, watch your back and good luck.

[Clive Mortimore]

Thankfully I am never lonely with these fellas, but we can go off for a walk and I can have some solitude, they let me.

 

When I don't need to be by myself, I have such wonderful dog walking friends, and so do my four legged mates. 

 

[lofty1966]

Can’t even have access to my four dogs either , Clive .

God I miss them :-(

[Horsetan]

......being barred from my house by the Police after soon to be Ex Wife pulled a fast one , filing an assault charge knowing it would result in me being homeless.....

 

Slightly OT, but is there a Canadian equivalent of "wasting police time"?

[Branwell]

Richard Thompson (ex Fairport Convention) has written a song about us. Personally, I think he's got it wrong - I live alone, have done for nigh on 30 years, and am quite happy that way thank you very much Mr Thompson.

 

Sometimes I long for the solitary life
Parents long gone, no kids, no wife
Sister, somewhere in Australia
Never did keep in touch

 

Sex, no more than a, how do you do?
With a copy of Penthouse in the loo
Socially a bit of a failure
Nice not to have to try too much

 

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

 

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the governmental sky over North West Eleven

 

A serious hobby in the garden shed
Model trains or soldiers in lead
Join the suburban boffins of Britain
Experts on trivial things

 

And holidays in the Yorkshire Dales
Or cycling tours of the North of Wales
Unenvious of those flea bitten
On continental flings

 

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

 

Excitement comes by subtle means
The satisfaction of routines
Small revenges at the office
Smug little victories

 

You work on your pallor, complexion like paste
Like the gray defeat on an inmates face
A life spent adding losses and profits
Resigning by degrees

 

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the governmental sky over North West Eleven

 

And come to the end, sad and alone
A steady reliable tumor you've grown
From selfish years, while all your peers
Have stressfully jogged to health

 

In life you always were quite numb
And foggier now, you soon succumb
In drab St. Barts on the new by-pass
Death overcomes by stealth

 

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

A solitary life
A life of small horizons
Dull as the governmental sky over North West Eleven

[royaloak]

Solidarity, Lofty. Been there, done that, bought the T shirt. Ontario's a bit of a hike from here, but make haste slowly, watch your back and good luck.

And write everything down, day, date, exact time, so when you are accused of something else you can pull out your diary and say, 'I couldnt have done that because etc'.

 

Lofty I have also been there and done that, there is light at the end of the tunnel but it is bloody hard at times, you will get depressed (very depressed*) but dont let the b-tch win.

 

 

* I got low enough to connect a hosepipe to the car exhaust and run it into the back through the rear door window but just before falling unconscious I looked at a picture of my/our kids and decided there and then she wasnt going to beat me, and guess what, because I wrote everything down she made a couple of mistakes in Court and as I had everything written down the Court awarded in my favour because her integrity had been called into question.

 

2 minutes more in the car and I would never have 'won'.

The headache from the carbon monoxide lasted nearly 4 days which I took as punishment for letting myself get in that position!

Edited December 16, 2017 by royaloak