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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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4 hours ago, AndrewC said:

Only in the US. In the rest of the world it is sold by mass, <annoying pendant mode> 

Then I'd better take my rice back to the supermarket, as definitely marked in grams in Australia!

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22 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

NOHEREABSOLUTEY

 

If he's going to attempt a joke he could at least try spelling it properly!

 

Mike.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not sure if I know of a place with a similar name - incorrectly spelt or not................

 

:D

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7 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

Is that so? Next time I'm in the US I'll ask for a 9.81 N bag of rice.

 

Weighing the rice is, however, a reasonable procedure to establish its mass.

I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation :P

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I was in a long queue at the supermarket at 6.45 this morning.

 

It opens at 7 am for older people only. A young man came from the car park and tried to butt in at the front of the queue, but an old lady sent him packing with her cane.

 

He tried again and this time an old man punched him in the gut, kicked him and rolled him away from the queue.

 

As he appoached a third time, he said "If you old b****** don't let me unlock the door you'll never get it there!!"

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One sunny day the local police department set up a road block to check that drivers had a legitimate reason for their journey and if necessary provide some basic advice about the coronavirus health crisis.

 

A car pulls up.  A policeman goes over and sees an old man in the drivers seat.

 

The driver winds down his window a fraction and asks "Good morning officer, is anything wrong?"

 

Policeman:  "Good morning sir, just a routine check, where are you going to today?"

 

Driver:  "To do some shopping"

 

Policeman:  "And how are you feeling today sir?"

 

Driver:  "Fine thanks"

 

Policeman:  "OK but before you proceed please can I take a few of your details?"

 

Driver:  "Sure"

 

Policemen:  "How old are you sir?"

 

Driver:  "18 til I die"

 

Policeman:  "Oh really sir!  You're the 10th Bryan Adams I've seen today!"

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SWMBO found her husband wildly waving a fly swatter in the kitchen.

 

"What on earth do you think your doing?" she demanded. 

 

"Killing flies" he said.

 

"Oh! Get any did you?" 

 

" Yes, 3 females and 2 males "  

 

"Oh, come on! How can you possibly tell them apart?"   

 

" Two were on a beer can and three were on the phone "

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So not a joke for today, but one I'll be using on the 1st.

 

Background. My 10 yrs old grandson hates school and was therefore delighted when schools closed due to the current virus.

 

So 1st April, around 10am the conversation on the phone will be:-

 

'Hi (Insert name here) I hear the virus is clearing and from tomorrow the schools will reopen, and so you can catch up with your work, they'll be open 7 days a week until the end of August!'

 

He'll be to take away!

 

 

 

Edited by GeoffAlan
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