The Forum Jokes Thread

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[PhilJ W]

I may have posted this before, apologies if I have.

[PenrithBeacon]

[Damo666]

Murphy returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Murphy asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they .

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Murphy, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.

'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Murphy, enough is enough!
I have to get up in the morning.... you don't.'

[Damo666]

On 21/05/2020 at 17:40, F-UnitMad said:

Two questions SWMBO will ask that are impossible to answer correctly:-

1- Does my bum look big in this? 

Answer "No dear" - she just won't believe you anyway.

Answer "Yes" at your own peril.

 

2- Did you see what that woman was wearing? 

Answer "Yes" - you will be in trouble for looking.

Answer "No" - you will be in trouble for having no standards.

 

OK, as there seems to be some confusion on how avoid getting into trouble, I thought I'd offer some advice. This is a long read but, I think it should be mandatory training for any guy that wants to live with a woman:

The Female Merit / Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+10)

But return with Beer (-5)



You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)


HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5, yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Damo666

[PenrithBeacon]

[tomparryharry]

Our old dog is going crazy during the lockdown. He's chasing anyone with a bike up & down the street.

 

If it carries on, I'll have to take the bike off him......

[jcredfer]

Many...  many years ago, there was a mad Scottie down the road, which would launch itself at any passing vehicle, a real problem if you happened to be on a bicycle.  A gent who used to pass every day on the way and returning from work, in a tiny Fiat 500.  Actually he was a rather tall person and quite how he folded himself into something small enough for the car, is still a mystery to me.

 

Eventually he got fed up with swerving to avoid running over the crazy critter.  As he drove past, the dog hurled out from it's gateway hide, with the usual yapping tirade, at which point said gent slapped on the brakes, screeching to a halt, whereupon he flung the door open and leapt out.  He turned towards the surprised creature, pointed at the car and said " Well!!...  Well!!.....  Now you've' got the Bl***y thing, what are you going to do with it!!"

 

At which point he quietly turned and got back in the car and drove home.   Hats off, all round to the gent, as the dog never chased another passing vehicle.

 

Julian

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Compound2632]

5 hours ago, tomparryharry said:

Our old dog is going crazy during the lockdown. He's chasing anyone with a bike up & down the street.

 

If it carries on, I'll have to take the bike off him......

 

It's not that the old ones are the best, it's just that they're better than the new ones.

[Damo666]

4 hours ago, jcredfer said:

Many...  many years ago, there was a mad Scottie down the road, which would launch itself at any passing vehicle, a real problem if you happened to be on a bicycle. .........

 

 

Well, here’s a true story.

Early millennium our office was in Barnes, West London, and I was cycling to work. Half of the journey was via the road but once I crossed Kew Bridge I could cycle along the river path.

 

It wasn’t very busy but I would often meet other cyclists, walkers and joggers on the path.

 

One morning there was another cyclist a little distance ahead of me who started to slow down as he approached a group of 3 elderly people chatting, two women and a man and one of them had a little terrier. The dog started to run towards the cyclist yapping and snarling and the cyclist slowed down and tried to avoid the dog, but the narrow path and a determined dog made this impossible. I saw the cyclist stop briefly and the dog ran back to its master, but as soon as the cyclist started again the terrier did the exact same. With some slow manoeuvring to avoid running over the yapping dog he managed to pass the group and speed away.

 

Then the dog saw me approaching and headed off towards me.

 

Same thing, barking and snarling around my feet and wheels and I stopped, partially for fear of running over the erratic dog and partially because a wrong swerve and I could ride off the embankment and into the river. The dog headed back to its master again but as soon as I tried to resume my journey the little bu99er was back at me. This time I had managed to get close to the group of 3 when one of the ladies said to me “Don’t worry, he doesn’t really bite”.

 

I replied “Don’t worry, I don’t really kick”.

 

She picked up her dog and held onto it until I was long gone.

 

She should have done that in the first place.

[Budgie]

On 24/05/2020 at 12:04, Sidecar Racer said:

 

Albert Einstein was a genius
but his brother Frank was a monster.

 

Then you heard wrong. Frank Einstein was the chap who created the monster.

[newbryford]

As I stared out at the army of strange creatures standing to attention on the lawn, I realised I'd mixed up the slug pellets and the Viagra............

 

 

 

 

(Copyright - "Fifty Sheds of Grey - a Parody")

[Baby Deltic]

8 hours ago, Budgie said:

 

Then you heard wrong. Frank Einstein was the chap who created the monster.

I thought it was Oppenheimer and Teller.