TOOLS EXPLAINED

[emac]

My friend emailed me this could it be a hint of some kind

 

TOOLS EXPLAINED

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.

Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ###### '

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,

trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans

and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws

into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;

works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,

refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[noiseboy72]

...And to add to the list:

 

Air compressor: Used to convert electricity generated 50 miles away in a huge power station into a glorified duster and for blowing up the kids paddling pool.

 

Angle Grinder: Used to add random deep scratches around the line you are trying to cut along.

 

Glue Gun: Precision applicator of glue the temperature of magma onto all exposed areas of skin and any delicate finished material.

 

1/2" drill bit: Used to drill holes of 3/4" and larger. Operators generally employ the ream method.

 

1/4" drill bit: Used to remove 1/8" drill bits that have snapped off in the work piece.

 

Pop Riveter: Useful for loosely joining steel and aluminium and removing unwary fingers

 

Chisel: Standby flat bladed screwdriver and useful for opening paint tins.

 

Plane: For finding hidden nails and screws in pieces of wood.

 

Wire cutters: Used for hacking through steel cable and small cutting jobs in all ferrous metals.

 

Electric Screwdriver: For removing the heads from wood screws and the threads from machine screws.

 

And don't forget, if a torque wrench is unavailable, tighten the bolt up until the thread strips and back off half a turn.

 

Tales from the Near as **** School of Engineering !

 

[BlackRat]

Orbital sander: Used to make appealing circular ethnic patterns in wooden surfaces, usually table tops.

 

Sprayer/paint gun: Handy for 'pinpricking' your neighbours car with magnolia exterior masonary paint. Can also be used for making windows opaque.

 

Centre punch: useful for testing the surface strength of various materials to check for penetration depth of foreign objects.

 

Broken small drill bits: Ideal for finding and locating the depth of bone in finger tips.

 

Gas blow lamps: Used to test the flame proofing of any materials located under floorboards, also handy for removing unwanted facial hair.

[Enterprisingwestern]

Mole grips... The wrong tool for every job.

[jasp]

I must disagree about Mole grips, provided you get the originl ones - not the poor substitutes currently available.

Have been using one set for more than forty years for all sorts of things and wouldn't be without them

Jim

[Coombe Barton]

GAFFER TAPE: It knows it's temporary - you think it's permanent.

 

MASKING TAPE: Effective at finding all those places where the paint hasn't quite stuck.

 

DOUBLE SIDED TAPE; Your friend. Also called two faced tape - with reason.

[10800]

And for those more delicate modelling jobs:

 

Vernier (or digital) calipers - clamps

Micrometer - mini sash cramp

Soldering iron - device for cauterising the skin between your fingers (alt. - more difficult than soldering brass)

Xuron cutters - pet rabbit nail clippers; also device for pinging the bit you wanted across the room

Scrawker - cutting tool for making nice random lines on plasticard. See also scriber in the case of metal.

Frame spacer - something to get in the way of hornblocks, CSBs etc

Automatic centre punch - device for punching a great dent in a delicate etching

Electrostatic scenic grass tool - electric shock generator

[Coombe Barton]

SWARF: SWMBO complaint generating material

[PLD]

You only need two items in the toolbox for every job:

 

If it moves when it shouldn't - use Duck Tape...

If it should move but doesn't - use WD40...

[pointstaken]

SODIT - A multiple purpose tool for showing which hole you just drilled wrongly, oversize etc. Should be in every toolbox. (May have a different name depending on circumstances, such as is SWMBO standing there ?, etc)

 

Dennis

[Colin]

Paint Roller - an apparently completely random application device which is acually 100% accurate in projecting paint through even the tiniest gaps in dust sheets.

[PhilH]

Adjustable spanner - hexagon to circle converter.

[Nile_Griffith]

In my line of work Gaffa Tape is known as "The Force". It has a dark side and is known to hold the universe together.

[Happy Hippo]

Thanks for all these explanations, it has just livened up a very mundane morning.

 

At least now I know that if I can't fix it with a lump hammer, then it must be an electrical fault.

 

Regards

 

Richard

[oggy1953]

Any body know what a Round Tuit is ?

[multiprinter]

At least now I know that if I can't fix it with a lump hammer

 

 

Er... You do mean 'If I can't smash my finger with a lump hammer' don't you???

[pointstaken]

Any body know what a Round Tuit is ?

 

A sophisticated delaying device, which has a shorter delay period than a weniget tuit.

 

Dennis

[petethemole]

My Dad used to write "TUIT" on a paper plate and give it to me; it meant "no more excuses, get on with it".

[Ceptic]

SODIT - A multiple purpose tool for showing which hole you just drilled wrongly, oversize etc. Should be in every toolbox. (May have a different name depending on circumstances, such as is SWMBO standing there ?, etc)

 

Dennis

 

Beware ot the PHUKET. A very cheap, far eastern imitatation.

Tends to morph iinto two separerate pieces, or into modernistic art forms, when slight pressure is apllied.

[smokebox]

Metalworking lathe. Used to manufacture swarf. The leftover bits which have not been completely used up can be used to fill the scrap bin.

Woodworking lathe. Similar to a metalworking lathe but used to produce wood dust and bedding for small animals. Leftovers can be used to keep warm.

[d winpenny]

nice insight there folks sure made me laugh

 

david

[bertiedog]

Off hand grinding of drills tips.....when the two faces are different dimensions and angles and a 5 mm drill produces a 5.2mm to 5.3mm hole, and the work experience operator assures you it does not matter as "he was taught it at College".............

 

Stephen.

[ozzyo]

Compressor; a tool for producing wind and noise, a bit like ten pints and a curry on a Saturday night.

 

Air brush; used for splatting brown stuff around, a bit like ten pints and a curry on a Saturday night.

 

OzzyO.

[skipepsi]

Off hand grinding of drills tips.....when the two faces are different dimensions and angles and a 5 mm drill produces a 5.2mm to 5.3mm hole, and the work experience operator assures you it does not matter as "he was taught it at College".............

 

Stephen.

 

Sounds like me on a Saturday morning after a Friday night out and 10 pints and a curry.....