RMweb Premium melmerby Posted November 1, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 1, 2018 I am told that there are a surprisingly large number of men attend casualty for hoover related issues! Obviously trying to use the wrong size hose. Keith Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 1, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2018 Obviously trying to use the wrong size hose. Keith Aiun't one big enough for me. Mike.(Modestly). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I have a girlfriend for that sort of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted November 1, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 1, 2018 I have a girlfriend for that sort of thing. Hoovering? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 3, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 3, 2018 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 G'Day Folks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangoman69 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Just been reading today that winemakers have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. The aim is to reduce the number of trips to the bathroom that older people have to make during the night. They're going to call it, "Pinot More". 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 4, 2018 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 my wife told me i have two faults one was not listening and i didnt here the other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold SHMD Posted November 4, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 4, 2018 Spelling? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangoman69 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 On average most men have sex 3 to 4 times a week except for Eskimos they're lucky if they have it twice a year. This news is distressing and came as somewhat of a shock to me as I had no idea I was an Eskimo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangoman69 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 gotta complain about last nights fireworks none of them went off in the sequence they should found that bang out of order 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold PaulRhB Posted November 4, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 4, 2018 I wasn’t sure if this was irony 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Following complaints made to the IRB (International Rugby Board) about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays: 1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world. 2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads. 3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. 4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards. 5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. 6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'. 7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom. 8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. 9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard. 10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government). 11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials. 12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush." 13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPC 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinty3f Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Following complaints made to the IRB (International Rugby Board) about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays: 1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world. 2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads. 3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. 4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards. 5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. 6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'. 7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom. 8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. 9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard. 10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government). 11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials. 12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush." 13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPC I have always liked this sort of joke, and I am sorely tempted to lob it into the local Students Union and stand back while the snowflakes take offence! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted November 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 4, 2018 I wasn’t sure if this was irony D35A3D0D-0FD6-44BA-8143-F06BEBA05047.jpeg It's the table that is four sale! Since it has for legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted November 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 4, 2018 It's the table that is four sale! Since it has for legs. Has what for legs? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 4, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I've decided to change careers and to do something more rewarding and worthwhile. I will be working with alcoholics, drug users, the homeless and some of the undesirables in society ensuring they are fed, watered and kept warm. I start next week at Wetherspoons as a barman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 A group of Hooded teenagers just came up to me outside the shop and asked if I'd get some bangers for them if they gave me the money. Should have seen their faces when I came out with 5 packs of sausages 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 5, 2018 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 G'Day Folks 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium melmerby Posted November 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 5, 2018 G'Day Folks Shouldn't that be "Wed Light" A Chinese Take Away with the (in)appropriate name was "Wing Fat" in Birningham. Keith 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Shouldn't that be "Wed Light" A Chinese Take Away with the (in)appropriate name was "Wing Fat" in Birningham. Keith They spelt it Wong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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