The Forum Jokes Thread

[PGC]

THE HOSPITAL BILL

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 999 (UK emergency number for our overseas readers  ) when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had
emergency open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at
the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several
forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

[PGC]

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'..

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and

a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

[Mike J]

After the Crystal Palace match, there is a help line for distraught Liverpool fans who might be in need of a bit of counselling.

The number is 0800 3-0 3-1 3-2 3-3

[PGC]

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

 

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't There is a clock on the oven.

 

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

 

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

 

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

 

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a  woman's sex drive by 90%.

It’s Wedding Cake.

 

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

 

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

 

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has  rested.

 

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two Mothers-in-law.

 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[PGC]

If this is true, I will never have a food disposal unit installed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my reason, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

 

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a decent excuse to explain the bandage round the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

 

One morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The food disposal has packed up again. Please come and fix it."

 

"You know where the reset button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Can't you reset it yourself!"

 

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

 

There was a meaningful pause and then, "It'll only take you a second. Please?"

 

So out I came of the shower, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.

 

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the waste disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.  She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.  And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.  I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

 

Now, animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Kitty chose to fight, whereas men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and

cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.  The impact knocked me out cold.

 

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter - and not succeeding at all.

 

Somehow though, I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" One asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If only he only knew how close to the truth he was!

[C&WR]

I like that, PGC!  I didn't have to take time off for it, but I had to go to work about six months back with a black eye, a swollen nose and a big cut across the bridge.  I have a reputation of being a bit of a sportsman & being involved in Rugby, so it was assumed that was the cause.

 

The truth was more prosaic.  We had run out of lavatory paper in our downstairs bathroom and I went to replenish it in the space under the handbasin.  This has a tiled surround with quite a pronounced and sharp edge.  Being lazy I had neglected to turn on the light, the door swung shut as I bent down, and as the house is new to us I didn't have the instinctive sense of where things were so I bent too far and cracked myself on the sharp edge...

 

Funny thing was when I was playing Rugby seriously & used to come home battered people used to ask if the scrapes, bumps & so on were beer injuries.  As you can imagine I have quite a "lived-in" face!

[Titan]

As this story could be heading for its 46th birthday in August I guess it hardly counts as 'new' but it was new to me and made me laugh!

 

A staunch enthusiast bought two tickets for the last steam train. As he settled into his seat by the window, another man asked if anyone was sitting in the seat opposite him.
'No', he replied, 'the seat is empty….'
'Really!' said the man surprised, 'Who in their right mind would buy a 15 guinea ticket and not use it?'
'Well, actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was meant to be here, but she passed away.'
'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that...I guess you couldn't find someone else, such as a friend or relative to take the seat?'
'No, they're all at the funeral,' he replied.

 

[PhilJ W]

Funny ads

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqbcYbq13Ow

[EHertsGER]

Creep

 

Mike.

Just to put things in perspective...

 

"There are blondes and blondes and it is almost a joke word nowadays. All blondes have their points, except perhaps the metallic ones who are as blond as a Zulu under the bleach and as to disposition as soft as a sidewalk. There is the small cute blond who cheeps and twitters, and the big statuesque blonde who straight-arms you with an ice-blue glare. There is the blonde who gives you the up-from-under look and smells lovely and shimmers and hangs on your arm and is always very very tired when you take her home. She makes that helpless gesture and has that goddamned headache and you would like to slug her except that you are glad you found out about the headache before you invested too much time and money and hope in her. Because the headache will always be there, a weapon that never wears out and is as deadly as the bravo's rapier or Lucrezia's poison vial.

 

There is the soft and willing and alcoholic blonde who doesn't care what she wears as long as it is mink or where she goes as long as it is the Starlight Roof and plenty of dry champagne. There is the small perky blonde who is a little pal and wants to pay her own way and is full of sunshine and common sense and knows judo from the ground up and can toss a truck driver over her shoulder without missing more than one sentence out of the editorial in the Saturday Review. There is the pale, pale blonde* with anemia of some non-fatal but incurable type. She is very languid and very shadowy and she speaks softly out of nowhere and you can't lay a finger on her because in the first place you don't want to and in the second place she is reading The Waste Land or Dante in the original, or Kafka or Kierkegaard or studying Provençal. She adores music and when the New York Philharmonic is playing Hindemith she can tell you which one of the six bass viols came in a quarter of a beat too late. I hear Toscanini can also. That makes two of them.

 

And lastly there is the gorgeous show piece who will outlast three kingpin racketeers and then marry a couple of millionaires at a million a head and end up with a pale rose villa at Cap d'Antibes, an Alfa-Romeo town car complete with pilot and co-pilot, and a stable of shopworn aristocrats, all of whom she will treat with the affectionate absent-mindedness of an elderly duke saying goodnight to his butler.

 

The dream across the way was none of these, not even of that kind of world. She was unclassifiable, as remote and clear as mountain water, as elusive as its color.

 

--Raymond Chandler (1888-1959), Detective Philip Marlowe in The Long Goodbye (1953)"

 

To which of those am I married? why! all of them, of course!

 

Best,

Marcus

[Londontram]

 

“Dan, eat a Snickers” “Why” “Because you turn into a right diva when you’re hungry”

[Catweasel]

90 year old man goes to see his GP."Doctor, I'd like some Viagra please". Doctor looks at his notes. "I see you married your 25 year old girl friend last month" he said. "Yes",he said,"but that's not the problem". "I see" said the doctor. "I only want 1/2 strength" said the man. "I just want to stiffen it enough to stop it dribbling down my leg"

Edited May 11, 2014 by Catweasel

[peanuts]

folk should leave Gray Barlow alone whatever he said whatever he did he didnt mean it  

[peanuts]

Gary barlow has denied writing a million love songs and only declaring one for tax purposes 

[Norm81]

Apparently they're considering a name change to "Take Vat"...

[Two_sugars]

Or . . ."Fake That"

[PGC]

Can't wait till I get to 85!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

 

"How are you grandpa?"  he asks.

 

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

 

"What's the food like?"

 

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

 

"And the nursing?"

 

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

 

"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?"

 

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light."

 

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"

 

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

[steve1]

 

steve

[bluebottle]

Can't wait till I get to 85!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?"  he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

 

er ...

 

PGC   Posted 22 November 2013 - 00:59

 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital ...

... the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

 

 

 

[Merc435]

Experts have suggested that to make the perfect cup of tea, one should agitate the Bag.

 

So, this morning I shouted down the stairs, "Milk and two sugars, fat-arse!"

 

 

My head still hurts, but the swelling has gone down a lot.....

[Titan]

That made me think of a true story!

 

Years ago when my Mum was working she used to hire a fat old cleaner for a morning a week. She was not very good, so she hired a new cleaner, and got a new Dyson at the same time. Boldly printed on the box was 'Goodbye inefficient bag!!'  Never doubt the power of Advertising!

[luckymucklebackit]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.

" His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
 

[PGC]

 

er ...

 

PGC   Posted 22 November 2013 - 00:59

 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital ...

... the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

 

 

 

 

 

I posted that 6 months ago.

 

What sort of mind do you have that you can remember jokes from 6 months ago? 

 

Phil

Edited May 16, 2014 by PGC

[Enterprisingwestern]

I posted that 6 months ago.

 

What sort of mind do you have that you can remember jokes from 6 months ago? 

 

Phil

 

Or can trawl through 80 odd pages of primarily terrible jokes?

 

Mike.

[PGC]

Or can trawl through 80 odd pages of primarily terrible jokes?

 

Mike.

 

Oh, that's easy. It's remembering to do it that's the hard part!!!!  

 

Phil

[bluebottle]

I posted that 6 months ago.

 

What sort of mind do you have that you can remember jokes from 6 months ago? 

 

Phil

 

6 months? I can remember at least one joke from 60 years back. It's a gift - and a curse ...

 

Or can trawl through 80 odd pages of primarily terrible jokes?

 

Mike.

 

It's got a lot easier and quicker since I started leaving that chore to that little box in the top right hand corner of the page!