The Forum Jokes Thread

[bluebottle]

There is also a shorter term ticket that lets you into 3 and half price on others if I remember from our trip at christmas.

 

There is the Historic Scotland Explorer Pass - 3 days in 5 or 7 days in 14. Not sure about the half price on others, but you can visit more than one site on your chosen dates.

[Sidecar Racer]

THE HEART ATTACK

 

 A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from

 the bedroom.

 

 

 She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,

 sweating and panting.

 

 

 'What's up?' she asks.

 

 

 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

 

 

 The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's

 dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty

 Sheila is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"

 

 The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the

 bedroom right past her husband... Rips open the wardrobe door and sure

 enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

 

 

 'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

 

 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked,

 playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[bluebottle]

It was this little boy's first day at school, so his father walked to the school gates with him.

 

"OK, son, in you go," Dad said.

The lad sobbed, and said: "But I don't want to go to school, Dad."

"Oh, you've got to go to school, son, everybody has to. You'll learn to read and write and do sums and other things."

"But I want to stay with you, Dad."

"No, I'm sorry, son. You stay on at school until you're sixteen, then you can leave."

The boy was silent for a few seconds, then sniffed and said: "All right. But Dad - "

"Yes, son?"

"You won't forget to come and get me when I'm sixteen, will you, Dad?"

 

[BR60103]

On the same trip, we were travelling on a first class BritRail pass, as it was barely more expensive than second.  My uncle claimed that he'd never known anyone who travelled first before.

 

At the same time, his daughter went on a student trip to Germany.  They didn't hear from her for two weeks.  When she got back, her letters started to arrive as she'd posted them at the cheapest rate possible.

[Allegheny1600]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[steve1]

Found on the other forum. Just passing it along. 

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Slick Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

 

steve

[luckymucklebackit]

To add to the above, all "blues" trains must leave precisely at 00:00, not the 1S22 at 23:57 or the 5E27 at 00:04, as if what I heard about train planning software was true, 00:00 is a bit of a problem.

 

Jim

[peanuts]

easy fitness

 

Take a weetabix.

 

.

 

Crumble an aero chocolate bar over it..

 

.

 

Et voila...

 

.

 

Aerobix... 

[BR60103]

Jim's Blues

 

I woke up this mornin'; I wuz still in my bed.

I woke up this mornin'; I wuz still in my bed.

So I rolled on my side, an' I went back to sleep.

 

By Myopic Junior Arthur

 

Found on the other forum. Just passing it along. 

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound."

[peanuts]

Me and three mates have just formed a covers band

 

We called it " duvet "

Edited May 28, 2015 by peanuts

[ParkeNd]

In the blues there is one important distinction above all others. If someone is having an affair with your woman there's a pig rooting around in your back yard. But if you are having an affair with someone else's woman you're a King Snake baby.

[ParkeNd]

Mother gets home from her important city job to find her 5 year old daughter sobbing her heart out at the foot of the stairs. "The au pair has gone flat and she's dieing" her daughter blurted between sobs. "How do you know that" the mother asked. "I was looking for Daddy and I found him in Heidi's bedroom on top of her". But how do you know she's dieing" her mother asked. "Well Daddy is doing his best to pump her up again but he's too late - she keeps shouting out " Oh God I'm coming" "

Edited May 28, 2015 by ParkeNd

[Ian Smeeton]

Back on the Blues theme.

 

Have you ever seen the Blues singer's epitaph?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't wake up one morning

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regards

 

Ian

[BR60103]

The computer programmer I used to work with found that

inco
was a useful abbreviation for
incoherent
incompatible
incompetent
incomplete
incomprehensible
inconceivable
incongruous
inconsistent
inconvenient
or just plain incorrect.

[Enterprisingwestern]

Mother gets home from her important city job to find her 5 year old daughter sobbing her heart out at the foot of the stairs. "The au pair has gone flat and she's dieing" her daughter blurted between sobs. "How do you know that" the mother asked. "I was looking for Daddy and I found him in Heidi's bedroom on top of her". But how do you know she's dieing" her mother asked. "Well Daddy is doing his best to pump her up again but he's too late - she keeps shouting out " Oh God I'm coming" "

 

Mummy mummy, is our au pair a robot?, because I've just heard Daddy say he's going to screw the back off her.

 

Mike.

[Platform 6]

A lawyer questioning a doctor during a trial:

 

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

 

A: "No."

 

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

 

A: "No."

 

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

 

A: "No."

 

Q: "So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

 

A: "No."

 

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

 

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

 

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

 

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Jamiel]

On the subject of music, a quote from Munch in the TV series 'Homicide: Life on the Streets'.

"What do you get if you play a country (and western) song backwards? Your get your wife, your job and your dog back."

Edited May 29, 2015 by Jamiel

[luckymucklebackit]

A simple Maths lesson.

 

1) It is well known that to find a good woman you need money

 

Therefore: Woman = (Time x Money)

 

2) It is also well known that Time is Money

 

So Time = Money

 

Therefore Woman = (Money x Money) or Money²

 

It is also the case that Money is the root of all Problems

 

So Woman = Square root of Money²

 

Proving that Woman = Problems

 

 

Jim

√

[emac]

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?

 

A man walked into the ladies department... and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

“Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

 

'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

Oh and Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain.

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

[Horsetan]

After Sepp Blatter's re-election there's been a number of calls for England not to compete at the next World Cup. To be fair, they didn't really compete at the last one.

[shortliner]

But if England decide NOT to compete in the next one, it will save them from having to endure humiliation! Winning strategy!

[luckymucklebackit]

Scotland will Boycott the next one, continuing a tradition going back to 1998.

 

Jim

[Jamiel]

People have been quoted as saying that 'Truth' or 'Innocence is the first causality of war' but I would have thought it much more likely that it would be soldier near the border asked by his Sargent to see what that rumbling noise (like tanks) is.

Edited July 3, 2015 by Jamiel

[Jamiel]

Great football comments, I hope you don't mind my sharing them on Facebook, with due credit to the posters and forum of course.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Jamiel

[Horsetan]

Great football comments, I hope you don't mind my sharing them on Facebook, with due credit to the posters and forum of course.

You can have this one as well......