RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 10, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 10, 2015 Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Can't be done, hardware problem. Turn it off and then turn it on again...? Cheers, Mick 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian Smeeton Posted July 10, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 10, 2015 Life's Demerit System ...In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY! Do something she likes, and you get points.Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: These are known as 'Brownie points' to us married or attached souls. Brownie Points are ethereal. You cannot cash them in anywhere except with SWMBO. They have no physical presence or properties. They cannot be given away, nor can you receive them from anyone else except SWMBO. Worse is yet to come because brownie points have a half-life, like radioactive elements. If not cashed in immediately they lose their value faster than Greek Euros. The rate of decay is variable and can be accelerated rapidly in the case of any minus points (as above) being accrued. Some of these minus points are so-called Golden Points, which, no matter how many Brownie points you have accrued can be used to wipe out your entire stock on a repeated basis. These Golden Points have no half-life, and if anything are likely to increase in their power and value as more minus points are incurred Be very aware that any smug looking chap with his pink ticket (pass) in hand can have the smugness swiped from his demeanor by the slightest of rule infractions. Beware the Brownie Point, it can bite back Regards Ian 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
gazmanjack Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Now THAT is OLD!!!!!............... Ok I declare that it may be old, but... It just means some of us are not old as others... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Turn it off and then turn it on again...? Cheers, Mick how many manutd fans does it take to change a light bulb ? one to go to b&q for the bulb one to hold the ladder one to make up the song about the light bulb one to design the commemerative Tshirt and one to drive them all up from essex in the first place Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 See <http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/brownie-points.html> Stan These are known as 'Brownie points' to us married or attached souls. Brownie Points are ethereal. You cannot cash them in anywhere except with SWMBO. They have no physical presence or properties. They cannot be given away, nor can you receive them from anyone else except SWMBO. Worse is yet to come because brownie points have a half-life, like radioactive elements. If not cashed in immediately they lose their value faster than Greek Euros. The rate of decay is variable and can be accelerated rapidly in the case of any minus points (as above) being accrued. Some of these minus points are so-called Golden Points, which, no matter how many Brownie points you have accrued can be used to wipe out your entire stock on a repeated basis. These Golden Points have no half-life, and if anything are likely to increase in their power and value as more minus points are incurred Be very aware that any smug looking chap with his pink ticket (pass) in hand can have the smugness swiped from his demeanor by the slightest of rule infractions. Beware the Brownie Point, it can bite back Regards Ian 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 It has started! Although, I'm surprised it has taken quite this long! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 It has started! Although, I'm surprised it has taken quite this long! Greeceproof euro.jpg http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/62412-things-that-make-you/page-107 Post #2668 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
69843 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 2 lawyers walk into a bar.The bar is now doing 20 to life for aggravated assault and attempted murder Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 The wordplay about the fiscal problems of Hellas brings back to mind a very old joke about the two prostitutes on a Soho street: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Greece." "You go back to grease if you want, I'm sticking to Vaseline!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyID Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Californians only screw in hot tubs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon G Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 In the light of today's cricket result, I have taken the liberty of repeating some one-liners that I was sent by a cousin who resides down under in Oz, when England last beat them in their own back-yard. The names have changed, but you get the general idea! WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube? A laughing stock.The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director? A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day? Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’ Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand? A waiter.Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? The woman who irons their cricket whites.What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball? He forgot it was chained to his foot. What is the main function of the Australia coach? To transport the team from the hotel to the ground. On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle. His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Australian innings.What’s the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten, Walloped.Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without even trying.What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? A bat.What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? A vacant lot.What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.Apologies to our friends down-under! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!'And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 The eldest son of an Italian national living in the UK where he was the Managing Director of a business bought up by an Italian multi-national was unusually quiet at breakfast. The father insisted that the family always had breakfast together where they ate cremas, drank coffe, talked Italian so they could forget they were actually in Manchester. "What is troubling you son" said the father. "It's this damned English language" his son whined "Your English is perfect father because you speak it all day at work whilst I struggle. I went into the corner shop for some cigarettes and asked the girl for 20 filter tits. I was so embarrassed I left empty handed" The father was keen to reassure his son so said "That's just a slip of the tongue - I do it all the time. Why yesterday morning I made a slip of the tongue with your dear Mama. What I meant to say was "Please pass the marmalade darling - but what came out was "you are a boring fat old tart and I have wasted 25 years of my life with you. " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 12, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 12, 2015 These are known as 'Brownie points' to us married or attached souls. Brownie Points are ethereal. You cannot cash them in anywhere except with SWMBO. They have no physical presence or properties. They cannot be given away, nor can you receive them from anyone else except SWMBO. Worse is yet to come because brownie points have a half-life, like radioactive elements. If not cashed in immediately they lose their value faster than Greek Euros. The rate of decay is variable and can be accelerated rapidly in the case of any minus points (as above) being accrued. Some of these minus points are so-called Golden Points, which, no matter how many Brownie points you have accrued can be used to wipe out your entire stock on a repeated basis. These Golden Points have no half-life, and if anything are likely to increase in their power and value as more minus points are incurred Be very aware that any smug looking chap with his pink ticket (pass) in hand can have the smugness swiped from his demeanor by the slightest of rule infractions. Beware the Brownie Point, it can bite back Regards Ian Brownie points are like good reputations. Hard to get, easy to lose. Cheers, Mick (My missus is a Guide leader - despite me desperately trying, there is absolutely no such thing as Guide points) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 What about lines? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 how many manutd fans does it take to change a light bulb ? one to go to b&q for the bulb one to hold the ladder one to make up the song about the light bulb one to design the commemerative Tshirt and one to drive them all up from essex in the first place You missed one to state loudly that they'd been changing light bulbs back when they were crap. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 mr Johnson is woken by the sound of digging so looks out his bedroom window to see his neighbors six year old daughter furiously digging a large hole in the flower bed .curious he goes down and calls over the fence "why are you digging a hole sarah "? sarah looks up from her work and replys "burying my goldfish " "but thats a big hole for a goldfish isnt it sweety " "not when its in your bloody cat it isnt " replies sarah sweetly ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adams442T Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 An ant and an elephant spend a whole night in wild love making The ant wakes in the morning and finds the elephant has died "Oh that's great!" thinks the ant, "One night of passion.......... And I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave............." (No ants were harmed in making this joke.................) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 In the light of today's cricket result, I have taken the liberty of repeating some one-liners that I was sent by a cousin who resides down under in Oz, when England last beat them in their own back-yard. The names have changed, but you get the general idea.... blahblahblah One match victory does not an Ashes Series win.When... IF England win, then we can have a joke from a position of authority. Otherwise, this "humour" will turn back & bite..... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 paddy gets a job at the new dinay toys factory and is put on the tickle me elmo production line . his first job is to lift the finnished toy into its box at the end of the production line . all goes well untill one day the supervisor notices that as paddy lift each toy off the production line he sticks two marbles to elmos crotch . the supervisor quickly calls Paddy to his office and asks why paddy is doing this ? paddy replys "well its says on my instructions to just before placing in the box give the toy two test tickles " 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted July 16, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 16, 2015 A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?" "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" "No, they spread." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) A woman was watching from behind her net curtains as the new neighbours were moving into the house next door. After seeing what sort of settee and chairs they had as they were carried in she was dismayed to see a rabbit hutch carried into the back garden. Whilst the house had stood empty her own Alsation dog had got used to squeezing through the hedge and burying bones in next doors flower beds and going to retrieve them later. So she vowed only to let the dog out in the garden on its lead. All went well for about two weeks but one afternoon as she was watching TV she noticed the dog was missing. Before she could get up the Alsation appeared with something white and fluffy in its jaws. Horror of horrors it was a domestic rabbit - stone dead and covered in dirt where the dog had tossed it about. She panicked but retrieved the rabbit, washed it clean with Persil, and blow dried it with the hairdryer. When she saw the neighbours go out she crept round and posed the rabbit in the corner of the hutch as realistically as she could. The next day she was hanging out the washing when the new neighbour came out to do the same thing. "Hello" she called across the hedge "how are you liking it round here?" The neighbour replied "The house is great - but there are some really sick people around here. The day after we moved here my little girls pet rabbit died and we had to bury it in the garden. Some sick person has dug it up and put it back in the hutch" Edited July 16, 2015 by ParkeNd Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 17, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 17, 2015 Considering that many pop stars are now getting old its time to re-title some of their greatest hits. Led Zeppelin, Stair lift to heaven. Rolling Stones, Gimme seltzer. The Who. My degeneration. Manfred Mann, Doo wah diddy diddy...um...diddy doo? Cat Stevens Father and great grandson. Moody Blues, Knights in white statins. James Brown, Papa's got a brand new colostomy bag. Mungo Jerry, In the zimmer frame. Olivia Newton-John, Granadu. Everly Brothers, Speak up, little Susie. The Beatles, When I was 64. Rod Stewart, Do you think I'm sixty? The Hollies, Bus pass. and Jerry and the pacemakers is now Jerry with a pacemaker. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted July 17, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 17, 2015 Hands up if you've ever been held up at gunpoint. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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