luckymucklebackit Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 i lost a good friend last week in an accident, he got his finger caught in a wedding ring hope you sent him a Sympathy card! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICEMAN I can't reach my licence, can you hold my beer. You must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! I was going to be a Police Officer, but I decided to finish school instead. You're not going to check the boot, are you? You look just like my girlfriend's useless husband. If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you. It wasn't my fault officer, when I reached down to roll a joint, my gun fell off my lap and got stuck under the brake pedal. If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyID Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 A visitor goes into a bar in Glasgow. The the other end of the bar a punter is dancing around giving an imaginary assailant karate chops. English Visitor to Barman: "I say, is that Kung Fu?" Barman: "Naw. He's only had two pints." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 7, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 7, 2015 A Young Doctor A young doctor moved out to a small community, to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londontram Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) If a scarecrow gets the desire to masterbate will he be able too or will he just be clutching at straws? Edited October 7, 2015 by Londontram 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 7, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 7, 2015 Sex & Calories They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catweasel Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Not sure where to post this, but.My wife and I both have Kindles. Does that make us Kindling Spirits? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) A couple more quotes (I know they are not jokes, but they do bring a smile to my face).There are many great quotes from NFL coaches (American Football), but this is one of my favourites (or favorites as the Americans would write). John McKay, 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, first year in the league as expansion team, 0-14 record. He was asked what he thought of his team's execution and he said "I'm in favor of it."I also discovered a particularly good Winston Churchill quote from the great Marv Levy, a Harvard history graduate.'He has all the virtues I don't admire and none of the vices I do.' Edited October 7, 2015 by Jamiel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine, and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday To! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Breaking News - A two seater Cessna 152 has crashed in the middle of Prospect Cemetery in Dublin. So far, rescue services have recovered 175 bodies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Breaking News - A two seater Cessna 152 has crashed in the middle of Prospect Cemetery in Dublin. So far, rescue services have recovered 175 bodies. and expect the death toll to rise as digging continues through the night... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HitchinLoco Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Reduce the work force to a skeleton crew over night!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londontram Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My wife said she's leaving me because I have no ambition in life as I'm only a supermarket cashier... I said, "Would you like help with your packing." Still look on the good side at least now I'm not stuck with a bag for life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My wife said she's leaving me because I have no ambition in life as I'm only a supermarket cashier... I said, "Would you like help with your packing." Still look on the good side at least now I'm not stuck with a bag for life And you have just saved yourself 5p!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees. Edited October 10, 2015 by shortliner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff alvey Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Not sure who said this one, and apologies if I have posted this before.... "Liebfraumilch, how do they get the cats to squat over the bottles?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 11, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) Myrtle and Edna. Myrtle and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Myrtle: "That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!” Myrtle: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?” Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." Edited October 11, 2015 by Sidecar Racer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adams442T Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Not sure who said this one, and apologies if I have posted this before.... "Liebfraumilch, how do they get the cats to squat over the bottles?" I think you mean French wine. That's why much of it is Chat Eau bottled........................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 A joke about American Football, and specifically the Dallas Cowboys in the 1990's, but I am sure there are many teams you could imagine applying it to, but the 'defence' fits with the NFL. Two Cowboys fans talking, one says 'I never know whether to cheer for the defense.... or the prosecution.' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 G'day Gents Three old ladies from the Old Folks home are sitting on a bench at the local park when a male streaker runs up to them and stands right in front of them, two of the old ladies had a Stroke.. the other couldn't reach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) "You know I hate football, what on Earth am I going to do to escape the Euros next June? " asked my wife. " You could have a holiday in Scotland, " I replied. Edited October 12, 2015 by peanuts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 12, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 12, 2015 A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.” "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.” "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.” You are a DAB hand at those sort of jokes. In DACE gone by that would have been taken as disrespectful. I hope that you do not get haWRASSEd because of it. I could always be a GOBYtween if you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I still think that fishy jokes are a load of Pollacks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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