The Forum Jokes Thread

[BG John]

Having had rather an overdose of Christmas cracker jokes, but these were some that made me laugh

 

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it.

 

My optician has told me I'm colour blind. It came as a bit of a bolt out of the purple.

 

They may have been seen somewhere in these 200+ pages, so apologies if this is the case.

 

Merry Xmas everyone.

 

Neil

I think you owe us an apology, whether they've appeared here before or not .

[Allegheny1600]

A 58-year-old in confession: "Last night I had unrestrained sex with an 18-year-old." 
The priest: "Take seven big lemons, squeeze their juice into a glass and drink it until the glass is empty!" 
"And that is washing me of my sins, my priest?" 
"No, but it'll wipe that stupid grin from your face."

[Steve K]

Have you ever wondered why the A-Team drove such a distinctive van that would have been instantly recognisable to any passing law enforcement officers?

 

I've no idea of the answer to that, but I thought I'd share with you the news that, since leaving the A-Team, Mr T has started a charity looking after young orphaned horses.

 

It's called Pity The Foal.

[Downendian]

I think you owe us an apology, whether they've appeared here before or not .

Oh I dunno, you haven't seen the others.

Neil

[BG John]

Oh I dunno, you haven't seen the others.

Neil

Don't think I want to .

[peanuts]

Boxing Day and here I am in A&E !!! Quick word of warning...the new Dyson Ball Cleaner is not what you might think it is!

 

 

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[bluebottle]

The members of a certain political Party (better not say which one!) had to cancel their nativity play.

They had plenty of sheep, but they couldn't find three wise men. Or indeed a virgin.

 

Echoooooooooo........... (6 posts back!)

 

Poggy's was the third rendering of this joke in less than two months; the only previous appearance to these in the present thread was courtesy of the late Don Bradley four years ago. The next person to recycle it must be rewarded with a five barred gate.

Mind you, this is merely one of a number of jokes I've heard or read recurrently from schooldays onwards!

[EHertsGER]

Sorry. Missed it. You know, there are only so many jokes to go round. A world shortage, in fact.

Nonsense..try listening to Prime Minister's Question Time...then any political pundit show afterwards...

[BR60103]

 

Boxing Day and here I am in A&E !!! Quick word of warning...the new Dyson Ball Cleaner is not what you might think it is!

 

 

e

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and where did the golf balls hit you?

[Allegheny1600]

The Germans developed the thinnest wire in the world. When it was finished, they wanted to know what diameter they had. 
The wire is so thin that they can not measure it. 
Says one German: 
"Do we send it over to England. They have a high technological standard, perhaps they can measure..." 
Says the other: 
"No, we shan't send them the wire, we try America. They are very highly developed..." 
So they pack the wire into a crate and attach a piece of paper asking if they can measure the diameter. After 2 weeks the crate comes back. There is a reply to the box. 
"Unfortunately we can not measure this wire, it is too thin." 

So the German says again: 
"We have to send it to England." 
Says the other: 
"No, we will send it to Japan, where also they produce the tiniest microchips. They can certainly measure it..." 
Said and done. They again put a note in whether they can measure the wire. It takes again about 2 weeks, then came the crate again. The answer: 
"Sorry, we can not measure this wire, it is much to thin."

Says one German: 
"Now we have left England until last, they must do it." 
Says the other: 
"Hmm. Well, send it to England we must..." 
So the wire back into a box and sent to England. They forget to write a note for what they really want. 

It takes 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 4 weeks, no box. After 6 weeks the crate comes back. 

There is a note inside: 
"We did not know what we should do with this wire, so we cut a thread on it and drilled a hole through....
We hope that you like it."

[raymw]

reminds me of a 'fable' wrt fine tubes at Plymouth. iirc a bit of competitio 'twixt them and their 'American cousins', about 50 years ago. The USA sent one of their finest tubes to Plymouth, and it got returned with one of the Plymouth's inside of it.

[BoD]

A fortnight ago my father gave me the money to pay the electric bill but I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I told him what I had done he beat the living daylights out of me.

Today we opened the front door and on the drive was a brand new car. We all cried. It was from the electricity company and they had come to cut off our electricity. My father beat the living daylights out of me again.

[Allegheny1600]

The condom was invented almost simultaneously by the Moroccans and the Turks over 2000 years ago. They just used a goat. 
It was only much later, about 1850, that the British refined this technology. Before use, they removed the intestine from the goat.

[Wacol]

A man with a winking disorder is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

 

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

 

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

 

"Really? Great! Show me!"

 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

 

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

 

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

 

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Jamiel]

One I got from Facebook.


 

BANNED
Dear Mrs. Jones,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban him from the store.
Our complaints against your husband Mr. Jones, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
2. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.
5. May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits.
6. June 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over.
7. August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. September 3: Darted around the whole store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"
10. November 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
11. December 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."
12. December 7: Parked his car in the trolley shelter:

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Neil Clark, Store Manager

[bluebottle]

The condom was invented almost simultaneously by the Moroccans and the Turks over 2000 years ago. They just used a goat. 

It was only much later, about 1850, that the British refined this technology. Before use, they removed the intestine from the goat.

 

Some time ago, I posted a joke not far removed from the above; it was speedily deleted. In retrospect, I agreed with the mod's action.

In the present socio-political climate, I think that a little restraint might be worth considering.

[cromptonnut]

I'm in trouble again.

 

My wife weighed herself last night and bemoaned having put some weight on over Christmas.

 

Apparently "congratulations on a new high score" is the wrong answer.

[Colin_McLeod]

......I think that a little restraint might be worth considering.

With a little restraint there would be no need for condoms lol

[F-UnitMad]

Some time ago, I posted a joke not far removed from the above; it was speedily deleted. In retrospect, I agreed with the mod's action.

In the present socio-political climate, I think that a little restraint might be worth considering.

There's always the 'Report' button.

[Allegheny1600]

Some time ago, I posted a joke not far removed from the above; it was speedily deleted. In retrospect, I agreed with the mod's action.

In the present socio-political climate, I think that a little restraint might be worth considering.

In the present social-political climate, a little brevity is much needed.

[Ian Smeeton]

Brevity?

 

I prefer Levity

 

Regards

 

 

Ian

[Allegheny1600]

If Arab type jokes are off the menu, how about a German joke?

 

A man drove his Trabant to the workshop, went to the mechanic and says: "Hello, I would like to have 2 new windshield wipers for my car." 

The mechanic looks at the Trabbi from the front and from behind and finally says, "OK, that's a fair exchange."

[Allegheny1600]

I must have a rather sick sense of humour, I love this!

 

[Allegheny1600]

Two swanky London types decide to open a new boutique in Wigan.

They get all the shelves in, the counters fitted, the till, telephone and so on. Opening day looms and they take down all the paper that had been obscuring the shop front windows.

There is a little old Wiganner looking in so they decide to have a little fun by showing off.

They let him in and show off all the fittings.

Not impressed, he says "And, what's thee selling ere then?"

Winking at his colleague, one of the suits says "asreholes"!

The old feller retorts "Tha's doing rayt well then, tha's only gert two left!"

[ikks]

Subject:: Cricket in heaven

 

 

> Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives..

> When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

> One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives, and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years.

> Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's bat and ball there.”

> Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years.

> If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

> Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

> At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

> "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?”

> "Mike--it's me, Joe.”

> "You're not Joe.

> Joe just died.”

> "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.”

> "Joe! Where are you?”

> "In heaven", replies Joe.”

> I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

> "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

> "The good news," Joe says," is that there's bat and ball in heaven.

> Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

> Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.

> And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired.”

> That's fantastic," says Mike.”

> It's beyond my wildest dreams!

> So, what's the bad news?

> "You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!”

Edited January 1, 2017 by ikks