The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

FOR THE WIN NANA....

Grandma in the Courtroom

 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded , "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think

you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will

amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She

again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He

can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his

wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know

him."

 

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to

approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said,

 

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the

electric chair....

[Tiffy]

Two old Indian Army officers relaxing in the mess one night over a chota peg or two.

 

"I say, did you hear about Tubby Jenkins?"

 

"You mean old Tubby Jenkins, late of the Kings Third?"

 

"Yes that's him. Apparently he was caught having sex with a goat"

 

"Male of female"

 

"Oh female of course - nothing strange about old Tubby!"

[F-UnitMad]

FOR THE WIN NANA....

Grandma in the Courtroom

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded , "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think

you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will

amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She

again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He

can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his

wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know

him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to

approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the

electric chair....

We also need a "Repeated" button on this thread...

[peanuts]

I discreetly removed the 'call girl' card from phone box, quickly headed back to my hotel and excitedly rang the number.

A woman with a soft, silky voice answered,

'Hello, Sir.."

"I'm in room 23 of the Travelodge Hotel", I said.

"I want nipple clamps, handcuffs, a small paddling pool, custard, baked beans, squirty cream, an inflatable sheep, then I want to be finished off with a long, slow "

"Sounds great", she replied.

"If I wasn't on reception, I'd love to oblige but if you press 9, you can get an outside line"

[RJS1977]

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

...

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

[peanuts]

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame

sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..

 

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally

and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

 

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms ' !

' No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

 

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment;

convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

 

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments

before..As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them

asked: 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied,

 

 

( scroll down )

 

................. ' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL '

 

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught Bishop, 'but...'

 

scroll down

 

(. . . Wait for it ....)

 

(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)

 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'

 

 

[pH]

Once again - we want, nay DEMAND! a "groan" button!

[Dagworth]

Once again - we want, nay DEMAND! a "groan" button!

and a Repeat button too, I posted that one in 2012 and Don B posted it again a year later...

 

A

[F-UnitMad]

and a Repeat button too, I posted that one in 2012 and Don B posted it again a year later...

 

A

There's more repeats on here now than on the Dave channel.

[ikks]

There's more repeats on here now than on the Dave channel.

Yes I know because I spent one of the most enjoyable afternoons ever going from the beginning to the end.......sides very achy at the end of it!! a few repeats, I don't care.

 

Rgds...Mike

[Steve K]

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame

sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..

 

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally

and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

 

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms ' !

' No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

 

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment;

convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

 

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments

before..As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them

asked: 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied,

 

 

( scroll down )

 

................. ' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL '

 

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught Bishop, 'but...'

 

scroll down

 

(. . . Wait for it ....)

 

(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)

 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'

 

 

Poor, very poor. Hang your head in shame, or at the very least, copy and paste something funny!

[cromptonnut]

In a similar vein, Did you know Quasimodo had a pet rabbit?

 

He keeps it in a hutch, back of Notre Dame.

[RJS1977]

Quasimodo goes to the doctor for a check-up.

"Take your jacket off," the doctor instructs him.

"I don't like to," replies Quasimodo. "I haven't taken it off in ten years."

The doctor persuades him to remove it.

"Now take your sweater off,"  instructs the doctor.

"I don't like to," replies Quasimodo. "I haven't taken it off in twenty years."

The doctor persuades him to remove it.

"Now take your shirt off."

"I don't like to," says Quasimodo. "I haven't taken it off for thirty years. And beside, I don't like people looking at my hump."

The doctor persuades him to remove it.

"Ah, yes, your hump is very interesting," comments the doctor. "How long is it since you were at school?"

"Thirty years," replies Quasimodo. "After school finished, I went home, put that shirt on and went to the school leavers' party. I haven't taken it off since until today."

"Very interesting," replies the doctor. "Did you put the shirt on in a hurry?"

"Yes," says Quasimodo. "I rushed home, put my new shirt on and raced straight back out to the party. What made you think that?"

"Only that you forgot to take your satchel off first...."

[Budgie]

Quasimodo goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Groan.

[BoD]

Not only has my short term memory gone but so has my short term memory.

[peanuts]

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

[peanuts]

PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M 
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M 
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL 
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO".

[peanuts]

what comes steaming out of cowes bacwards ?

 

 

the isle of white ferry

[Dagworth]

Jesus was trying to stop a crowd of people, riled up by the religious leaders, from stoning a woman caught in adultery.

"The one without sin can throw the first stone," he tells them.

Slowly, everyone puts their stones down, the oldest first. There was something about Jesus' words which convicted the heart.

Suddenly and without warning, a stone zips through the air, over the heads of the crowd, and misses the woman by inches.

"Mother!" shouts Jesus. "Put down those stones!"

[Jamiel]

Thanks to my friend Graham on Facebook.



EDIT. Ooops, sorry for the repetition.

Edited March 19, 2017 by Jamiel

[Jinty3f]

Thanks to my friend Graham on Facebook.

Errr - 21 posts ago - I guess it's come of age.

[NorthBrit]

The wife and I were having a meal in a posh London restaurant. When we had finished our meal the wife asked for the bill.

 

The manager returned with the Police.

[Budgie]

The wife and I were having a meal in a posh London restaurant. When we had finished our meal the wife asked for the bill.

 

The manager returned with the Police.

I grew up in London, and as far as I remember the police were always "the old bill", not, pace the long-running ITV series, "the bill".

[NorthBrit]

I grew up in London, and as far as I remember the police were always "the old bill", not, pace the long-running ITV series, "the bill".

It was quite a while back, so it would be an 'old bill'. Lol

[Enterprisingwestern]

Went to B&Q yesterday and asked the guy oin the door where the gardening depoartment was. He said "do you want decking", but I hit him first.

 

Mike.