The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

 

 

A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development.

She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.

 

They won't wash off,they won't scrape off,and they seem to be getting worse.

 

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

 

A few days later,the woman's phone rings.Much to her relief,it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

 

The doctor says,"Your perfectly healthy-there's no problem.But I'm wondering was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"

 

The woman stammers,"Why,yes,but how did you know?"

 

"Tell him his earrings ain't real gold"

Edited June 30, 2017 by peanuts

[Budgie]

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

 

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

 

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

[AndyB]

Wind turbine 1: "What's your favourite kind of music?"

Wind turbine 2: "I'm a heavy metal fan."

[DavidBird]

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame

sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..

 

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally

and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

 

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms ' !

' No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

 

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment;

convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

 

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments

before..As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them

asked: 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied,

 

 

( scroll down )

 

................. ' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL '

 

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught Bishop, 'but...'

 

scroll down

 

(. . . Wait for it ....)

 

(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)

 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'

 

 

Last week I got the chance to recite this story whilst standing in the Parvis Notre Dame - Place Jean-Paul II, actually in front of Cathedrale Notre Dame de Paris, pointing out the very spot where the poor unfortunate armless bell ringer and his nameless brother met their end.

 

After listening raptly, the reaction was  "Well, that's 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back!"

 

Edited July 1, 2017 by DavidBird

[28XX]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

 

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

 

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

 

Those are the Pie rates of the Caribbean.

[BoD]

Those are the Pie rates of the Caribbean.

I know that people occasionally ask for a groan button but that demands one.

 

 

 

..... and I read through the whole ruddy thing.

[RJS1977]

Why do pirates wear a patch over one eye?

If they wore one over both eyes, they wouldn't be able to see where they were going!

 

 

There's a lady pirate coming towards you with a sword in one hand and another sword in the other hand. Do you know who it is?

Madame Two-Swords!

 

What goes "Splash-woof!"?

A sea dog!

[Two_sugars]

See post #5565.

[28XX]

 

Had to get my pet Lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out lately.

 

Now he's a calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

[28XX]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.

 

I did that and I feel much better, but I am wondering, should I keep the letters.?

[graeme3300]

If you can start the day without caffeine . . . . .

 

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains . . . . .

 

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles . . . .

 

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it . . . . .

 

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time . . . . .

 

If you can conquer tension without medical help . . . . .

 

If you can relax without alcohol . . . . .

 

Then you are probably . . . .

 

 

the family dog!!

[faulcon1]

I heard this joke from an Englishman.

In Ireland Paddy and an his wife have been married for a long time. But their sex life was suffering so Paddy went to is doctor.

 

The Doctor thought long and hard on the problem that Paddy was having and suggested that his wife maybe getting a little to hot and that she needed cooling down whilst they had sex. The Doctor thought an electric fan gently blowing a cool breeze over the wife may solve the problem.

 

So Paddy went home and tried it but it was no good the wife just dozed off not long after they'd started.

 

The Doctor then suggested that Paddy got someone to wave a towel over them and maybe that would be better than the electric fan. Paddy got a young man from his village to do the waving of the towel.

 

But it was still no good and Paddy was now giving up hope of ever finding a cure for his marital sex life.

 

The Doctor pondered quite a bit and then had a radical idea.

 

He suggested getting the young man to have sex with Paddy's wife whilst Paddy waved the towel. Then Paddy could see if the problem was Paddy himself or his wife.

 

Well the result was startling. Paddy's wife had one multiple ###### after the other leaving her and the young man completely and utterly exhausted.

 

Paddy bent over the young man and said to him, "Now that me son is how one waves the flaming towel!!!!. 

Edited July 17, 2017 by faulcon1

[Enterprisingwestern]

I've just bought a pair of tortoiseshell shoes.

Took me 4 hours to get out of the shop.

 

Mike.

[peanuts]

did you know if you line all your exes up along a wall it provides a perfect flow chart of your mental illness 

[Steve K]

An attractive and particularly large breasted young lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

 

After examining her the doctor politely commented ‘You have particularly impressive breasts, would you mind if I weighed them?’

 

The young lady was a little surprised, but smiled and said ‘Of course not’.

 

The doctor took a step back and said ‘Wwwwaahhhheeeeeeyyyyyy.’

 

1973 just called...

[28XX]

..... on a trimphone.

[Tim Dubya]

I was perched on the edge of the bed last night, slowly pulling off my boxers.

The Mrs turned to me and said, 'You really spoil those dogs.'

 

 

 

 

 

with apologies to Chard of this parish for joke theft

[NorthBrit]

When you visit me and say you do not like my pets, I can easily put you in the spare room.

[Budgie]

Donald Trump's parrot

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential

swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the

Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

 

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,

Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

 

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that

he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

 

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

[kevinlms]

> OVERNIGHT STAY ......................

> Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
> The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
> "How much?" asked Grandpa.
> "$10 a pill," answered the son.
> "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
> Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, ?Each pill was $10, not $110."
> "I knew that," said Grandpa. ?. "The hundred is from Grandma"

[peanuts]

You won’t hear from me for a while. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables..
I gotta lilo.......

[Jamiel]

'Liebfraumilch - how do they get the cats to squat over the bottles?'


Not quite sure who to attribute that one to, could be Frankie Boyle (on a mild day).

[peanuts]

 

 

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

[faulcon1]

My brother today told me a joke.

 

In the days of the old Soviet Union when one wanted to buy a car one had to pay the total cost up front then the car was built for you.

 

So this man has saved very hard and he goes into a car dealership to buy his car. The salesman says, "OK that's all good come back to collect it in ten years time".

 

The man says to the salesman, "morning or afternoon".

 

The salesman says, "well it doesn't really matter to me just come back in ten years time, unless it's important as to why you want to know whether the car will be right to pick up in the morning or afternoon".

 

The man says, "well it's important to me because I have the plumber coming in the morning".

[RJS1977]

My brother today told me a joke.

 

In the days of the old Soviet Union when one wanted to buy a car one had to pay the total cost up front then the car was built for you.

 

So this man has saved very hard and he goes into a car dealership to buy his car. The salesman says, "OK that's all good come back to collect it in ten years time".

 

The man says to the salesman, "morning or afternoon".

 

The salesman says, "well it doesn't really matter to me just come back in ten years time, unless it's important as to why you want to know whether the car will be right to pick up in the morning or afternoon".

 

The man says, "well it's important to me because I have the plumber coming in the morning".

 

That one's been around a while... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A