The Forum Jokes Thread

[Sidecar Racer]

Some Santa gags . Christmas card style .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[

[jeff alvey]

Continuing the Christmas Chuckles:

 

[Sidecar Racer]

 

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!

 

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

 

He answers, Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"

[Allegheny1600]

I dare say this has been on here or the old site but here goes anyway;

 

The United States has;

Steve Jobs of Apple computers,

Johnny Cash (country & western star!),

Bob Hope - comedian,

Stevie Wonder - musician.

 

 

 

The United Kingdon has;

No Jobs, no Cash, no Hope and no bloomin Wonder!!!

 

Ah well, I tried!

John E.

[Diesel Dayz]

I'd like to wish everybody on RM Web a Happy New Year.

 

I know it's early but I suffer premature congratulations

[DonB]

How to get to Heaven

 

I was testing children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 

I asked them,

 

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my

 

money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

 

'NO!' the children answered.

 

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything

 

tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

 

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?

 

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

 

I was just bursting with pride for them.

 

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

 

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FLAMIN' DEAD...."

 

Out of the mouths .....

[DonB]

Memory Man

 

A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier

type town and walks into a bar .

 

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native

American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk,

spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

 

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

 

'Oh, we call him the Memory Man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

 

'What do you mean he knows everything?' asks the scouser.

 

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets

anything'

 

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

 

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the

 

answer'

 

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

 

'Where am I from ?'

 

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

 

'Alright' says the scouser, 'that was easy you probably recognised my

accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

 

' Liverpool ' says the Memory Man quick as a flash.

 

'Yes and who did they play?'

 

'Leeds United' again without blinking

 

'And the score?'

 

'2-1' says the Memory Man without hesitation.

 

'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

 

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

 

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to

Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing MemoryMan. He just can't

get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay

him his due respect .

 

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has

saved enough and returns to the states in search of the Memory Man.

 

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually

every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the

mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent

 

in his warpaint and full regalia.

 

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the

traditional manner..

 

'How'.

 

The Memory Man squints at the scouser.

 

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

[jeff alvey]

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

 

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

 

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

[pH]

Life is sexually transmitted.

... with a 100% mortality rate!

[Colin_McLeod]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny."

 

"I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for threepence."

 

"The next morning, I invested those three pence in three apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for ninepence. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of £2 2s 6d."

 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million pounds."

 

Good joke, but an interesting example of a geometric progression. If he stuck to the apple business and tripled his money at the end of each day, he would have earned the £2 2s 6d on day six and pass the four million pounds mark on day nineteen.

 

OK, I know. There's always one. I'll get my coat.

[shortliner]

Mother nature does indeed work in strange ways. I guess I never gave a thought about dead penguins.

 

 

Penguins

</B>

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

 

Wonder no more ! ! !

 

It is a well known fact (by the folk who study such creatures) that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

 

collects coat and departs stage right!

[Horsetan]

I once decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!'

[Diesel Dayz]

A pretty, young gypsy knocked at my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes but what do I get in return? She said I could play with her breasts........

 

I thought thats fair.........

 

tit for tat.

[chris p bacon]

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

 

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

 

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

 

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

 

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an 0rgasm."

 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.

"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.

"Are you taking anything for it?"

 

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[steve1]

I've got a trial soon at Old Trafford, to see if I'm up to scratch and whether Sir Alex will use me. It really is the biggest day in any young referee's career.

 

steve

[Stubby47]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

 

The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

 

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant;

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant;

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant;

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant;

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant;

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant;

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant;

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Baby Deltic]

Parts of Liverpool were closed off today after a suspicious looking object was seen in a car. Police later comfirmed it was just a tax disc.

[Taz]

"I've some trouble with my hearing, Doc"

 

"Can you describe the syptoms?"

 

"Sure, Marge has blue hair and Homer is fat"

[shortliner]

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

 

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

 

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."

[jbqfc]

"From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.

 

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger

nuts."

 

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be

banned

 

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

 

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of

this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

 

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not

disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

 

7. "The beach was too sandy."

 

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

 

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

 

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

 

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

 

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

 

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

 

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

 

15. "The roads were uneven.."

 

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

 

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

 

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

 

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners '-- now -- live

abroad'."

 

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

 

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

 

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

 

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that

I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

 

They walk amongst us and they Vote!!!

Be afraid! Be very afraid!

[DonB]

WEE

SCOTTISH JOKE

 

On a

bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were

listening to the radio during breakfast.

 

 

They heard the

announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You

must

park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs

can

get through".

 

So the good wife went out and moved her car as

instructed.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast

again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow

today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered

side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

 

The good wife went out and moved her car

again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast

when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow

today.

You must park......."

 

 

Then the electric power went

out.

 

The good wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side

of the

street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get

through?"

 

Then, with all the love and understanding in

his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband

replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this

time?"

[jbqfc]

They walk among us!

 

Actual call center conversations !!!!!

 

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Samsung Electronics

 

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

RAC Motoring Services

 

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

 

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Directory Enquiries

 

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

 

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

 

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Tech Support : 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support : 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support : 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support : 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Tech Support : 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

 

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

 

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

 

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable...'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too*----* stupid to own a computer!!!! !'

[Taz]

I got a knock at the door at half past two this morning, yeah half past two!! It was my neighbour.

 

 

 

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

[Taz]

A virus is going round.

It's called work. If you receive work from your boss do not touch it. This virus wipes out your social life completely. If you should come into contact with work go straight to the nearest pub and order the only known antidote which is called alcohol.

 

Please pass this warning immediately to at least six friends. If you realise you do not have six friends then you are already infected.

[Gdaysydney]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes opened wide as he replied " I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! , they'll throw both of us in jail! absolutely not! , I CANNOT sell you cyanide, in fact I should report you just for asking for it !"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription"