The Forum Jokes Thread

[Dagworth]

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?

 

 

 

Only one of them can feed a family! 

[Classsix T]

46 minutes ago, Dagworth said:

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?

 

 

 

Only one of them can feed a family! 

Nick Mason and Stuart Copeland prove this isn't necessarily the case Andi. I'd concur though that a skin basher embedding themselves within a band with talent/longevity would be prudent to income security.

 

C6T.

Edited April 29, 2022 by Classsix T

[Classsix T]

How many Mods does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Three, one to change it and two to argue they preferred the original.

 

C6T.

 

Um, Mods in the partial to Northern Soul & Ska sense, not Phil and Mr. York. By which I'd've typed mod's. Obvs.

Edited April 29, 2022 by Classsix T

[KeithMacdonald]

Being one of RMWeb's token country bumpkins, I do appreciate that some of our Inner City Intelligentsia (living as they do in their Metropolitan Bubble Glass Houses) are amused and bemused (in fairly equal measures) by anything that happens out in the sticks, beyond the safe boundaries of their cosy well-ordered urban lives.

Especially for them, we've found a safe virtual way they can experience what life is like out in the sticks, without the dangers of actually mixing with the country bumpkins. Trips to Badminton and/or Glastonbury Festival and listening to The Archers are excepted.

Farming Simulator

As reviewed by The Indy.

https://www.independent.co.uk/games/farming-simulator-17-review-ps4-xbox-one-pc-a7390556.html

 

[KeithMacdonald]

Greetings, pop pickers. It's Top Of The Pops (c.1400 BC)

 

The Oldest Known Melody (Hurrian Hymn no.6)

Quote

The Oldest known musical melody performed by the very talented Michael Levy on the Lyre. This ancient musical fragment dates back to 1400 B.C.E. and was discovered in the 1950's in Ugarit, Syria. It was interpreted by Dr. Richard Dumbrill. He wrote a book entitled "The Archaeomusicology of the Ancient Near East."

 

What a lyre. Mind you, Bill Wyman and Keith Richards might claim to be older.

 

 

[Classsix T]

7 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Greetings, pop pickers. It's Top Of The Pops (c.1400 BC)

 

The Oldest Known Melody (Hurrian Hymn no.6)

 

What a lyre. Mind you, Bill Wyman and Keith Richards might claim to be older.

 

 

Sir Paul McCartney has stated in the past that because of the mathematical nature of music, notes, chord structure etc., that it's inevitable music will eventually come full circle and artists will replicate previous work.

 

For myself, having "created" music sampling others and twenty years later hearing new music to which I myself say "your Dad wants his records back" none of this surprises me.

 

C6T.

[PhilJ W]

28 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Being one of RMWeb's token country bumpkins, I do appreciate that some of our Inner City Intelligentsia (living as they do in their Metropolitan Bubble Glass Houses) are amused and bemused (in fairly equal measures) by anything that happens out in the sticks, beyond the safe boundaries of their cosy well-ordered urban lives.

Especially for them, we've found a safe virtual way they can experience what life is like out in the sticks, without the dangers of actually mixing with the country bumpkins. Trips to Badminton and/or Glastonbury Festival and listening to The Archers are excepted.

Farming Simulator

As reviewed by The Indy.

https://www.independent.co.uk/games/farming-simulator-17-review-ps4-xbox-one-pc-a7390556.html

 

My friends young son is into that on his x-box.

[KeithMacdonald]

Angela Merkel and Da Pope - caption competition

 

 

 

[Dagworth]

1 hour ago, Classsix T said:

 

How many Mods does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb? 
 

None, they prefer to sit in the dark! 

[J. S. Bach]

A couple was driving back to the US from a trip in Canada when they saw the car ahead of them run over a skunk and 1 of 2 baby skunks.

The wife insisted that they stop to rescue and take care of the 1 baby skunk.

The husband wanted to know what she thought they could possibly do with it. The wife said that they could take it with them and then to the vet once home.

The husband told her the when they got to the boarder they would get into trouble and not be allowed across with it. Her solution was that she would hold it under her dress.

He asked, “But what about the smell?”

Her reply, “I’ll hold its nose.”

[KeithMacdonald]

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles! My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

[peanuts]

After being sentenced to 2 1/2 years today, Boris Becker asked the judge how many months that was.

“That’s 30 love”, said the judge

[APOLLO]

Putin dies, he is in hell, he is given a day off for bad behaviour.
He goes to a Moscow bar, orders a drink asks the bartender:
Is Crimea ours? -Yes was the reply.
And the Donbas?- Yes,
Kyiv?-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks, how much do I owe you?
That'll be 5 euros Vladimir !!!!!.

[Steamport Southport]

Three prisoners of war are taken to Putin's* lair. An American, a Frenchman and an Englishman.

 

Putin questions them and then says they can leave if they get the key from a ferocious crocodile's tank. But the room will be gassed in one hour so they will die if they don't try.

 

The American goes first "You see this tattoo of Old Glory? Well the crocodile will respect that and not bite me!"

 

He puts his hand in and the croc bites it off at the elbow.

 

The Frenchman says "That crocodile will respect my "Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité" tattoo and won't bite it!"

 

He tries to get the key. But the croc takes one look and bites his arm off as well.

 

The Englishman says "Move aside", puts his arm in, crocodile takes one look and retreats. The Englishman gets the key and they all escape.

 

The American and Frenchman are surprised and ask how he did it.

 

"Easy. You see this tattoo saying "Everton best team in the world". Not even the crocodile will swallow that!

 

 

 

 

*Joke used to be about Gaddaffi or Saddam Hussein. 

 

[KeithMacdonald]

I got the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza confused, and now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[PhilJ W]

Stonehinge

Edited April 30, 2022 by PhilJ W

[CameronL]

7 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Joke used to be about Gaddaffi or Saddam Hussein

Not to mention Leeds United, Notts Forest, Aston Villa etc etc etc

[pH]

On 25/04/2022 at 17:25, PhilJ W said:

Here, kids’ soccer teams are usually sponsored by local businesses and organizations, for example the local branch of a chain of ice-cream stores or the local business association. The sponsorship pays for the costs of field hire, team jerseys etc. and, of course, the sponsor’s name appears on the team’s shirts. 
 

Our four year old grandson has just started in his first year of soccer (it’s all organized here - no pickup games in the local park!). His team sponsor, whose name and business description appear on the shirts is, ironically, a local firm of personal injury lawyers!

 

 

(Edit - I should explain that they’re sponsoring the team because  the son of one of the partners is on the team.)

Edited May 1, 2022 by pH

[steve1]

steve 

[peanuts]

Just cost me £1. Yes, One English Pound, to put air in my tyres. Used to be 20p. Suppose that's inflation for you

[PhilJ W]

11 minutes ago, peanuts said:

Just cost me £1. Yes, One English Pound, to put air in my tyres. Used to be 20p. Suppose that's inflation for you

[jcredfer]

15 minutes ago, peanuts said:

Just cost me £1. Yes, One English Pound, to put air in my tyres. Used to be 20p. Suppose that's inflation for you

 

Shud uv 'ad 'em dun wiv nitrogen it lasts fur almost ever...   Just sayin'...

 

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, peanuts said:

Just cost me £1. Yes, One English Pound, to put air in my tyres. Used to be 20p. Suppose that's inflation for you

You have to pay to check your tyre pressures? What happens if no air is required, do you get reimbursed?

[kingmender]

7 minutes ago, kevinlms said:

You have to pay to check your tyre pressures? What happens if no air is required, do you get reimbursed?

No 20% fluctuating fuel prices on a monthly basis, so much smaller retail margins

[Reorte]

12 hours ago, peanuts said:

Just cost me £1. Yes, One English Pound, to put air in my tyres. Used to be 20p. Suppose that's inflation for you

 

Short-term bubble, it'll burst if it keeps going up.