RMweb Premium Reorte Posted June 7, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 7, 2022 8 hours ago, pH said: I thought it was “a man out standing in his field”. Sounds like a scarecrow to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
aardvark Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 19 hours ago, kevinlms said: Don't bother explaining how you worked that one out! Well, since you didn't ask, it was down to my son's lower primary homework, where they were to write words using the letters from "ambulance". After locating "clean", the rest was history. My wife wrote a letter to the teacher explaining that should "a clean bum" be reported by our son, then it was my fault. 4 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted June 7, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 7, 2022 6 hours ago, aardvark said: Well, since you didn't ask, it was down to my son's lower primary homework, where they were to write words using the letters from "ambulance". After locating "clean", the rest was history. My wife wrote a letter to the teacher explaining that should "a clean bum" be reported by our son, then it was my fault. Ah, you see, it was a plant, for the teacher to find out which pupils' dads were helping with the homework. 2 2 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorness Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 3 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 Have you heard about the new spinoff series the BBC has announced? It's about a forensic scientist who solves cases while floating in the local swimming pool, all alone, at 3am in the morning. "Silent Wetness" 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted June 7, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 7, 2022 Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged... 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 Brabbins and Fyffe - On the joys of InterCity Rail Travel (and some other songs) 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Tankerman Posted June 8, 2022 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 8, 2022 On 06/06/2022 at 23:31, Compound2632 said: Been there, aged 12. Never stand behind a cow being milked... Me too, at almost the same age. I was wearing a white pullover hand knitted by my mother at the time. She washed it and it came out clean, but dyed a light green colour. Despite her insistence that it was perfectly clean I firmly refused to wear it. 2 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Pilotman Posted June 8, 2022 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 8, 2022 14 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said: Have you heard about the new spinoff series the BBC has announced? It's about a forensic scientist who solves cases while floating in the local swimming pool, all alone, at 3am in the morning. "Silent Wetness" Words cannot describe how good that joke is, but numbers can: 0/10. 4 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
great central Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 4 hours ago, The Pilotman said: Words cannot describe how good that joke is, but numbers can: 0/10. At least it didn't mention the SBD! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cowley 47521 Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 Went up to the Spar for lunch today and tried to pay with my organ donor card by mistake. Cost me an arm and a leg that one… 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 8, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 8, 2022 GROAN! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted June 9, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2022 8 hours ago, great central said: At least it didn't mention the SBD! SBD?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
great central Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 1 hour ago, J. S. Bach said: SBD?? Silent but deadly, schoolboy humour https://images.app.goo.gl/i4mLmX4dinmbLnze6 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
aardvark Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post Sidecar Racer Posted June 9, 2022 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted June 9, 2022 A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.” 1 1 22 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 3 hours ago, Sidecar Racer said: A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.” Poor version of a Mike Reid classic When I heard that it was "Me Grandad during the war", wounded so he stayed behind with a rifle, six bullets and a bottle of whisky to let the others escape and he was killing "Germans". The moral was "don't wake up Grandad when he's p***ed" On Youtube but I won't link as there is a lot of swearing. My Grandad freed 100 Allied POWs. Worst guard the SS ever had..... 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorness Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man. “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved.” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam” the man moans. “And where ya from Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.” 3 9 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post F-UnitMad Posted June 9, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted June 9, 2022 1 22 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted June 9, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2022 "Dad, did you get your hair cut?" "No lass, I got them all cut!" 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted June 9, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2022 15 hours ago, great central said: Silent but deadly, schoolboy humour https://images.app.goo.gl/i4mLmX4dinmbLnze6 I was thinking more more of this SBD: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_SBD_Dauntless 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern. I'm ok, just a bit shaken up, but l'll be ok. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning at the petrol station filling up the car. I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof. The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them, Yes, it was pump number 4. 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 4 minutes ago, CameronL said: , I was robbed yesterday morning at the petrol station filling up the car. The punchline was galloping over the horizon right from that sentence.... 🙄🙄😉🤦♂️ 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 6 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said: The punchline was galloping over the horizon right from that sentence.... 🙄🙄😉🤦♂️ ...Waving a flag and playing the bugle. 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 10, 2022 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 10, 2022 12 minutes ago, CameronL said: ...Waving a flag and playing the bugle. Violin? But yes, it's happening to us all, worldwide! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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