The Forum Jokes Thread

[Belsay Lad]

Jimmy Saville goes into a faulty time machine...

 

Now...then

Now...then

Now...then

[Guest Max Stafford]

May mate took his life by drinking varnish.

Horrible end, but a lovely finish...

 

Dave.

[Sidecar Racer]

Sex in the Dark

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

 

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

 

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

 

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...

 

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent nasty man,'

 

She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

 

'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

[Sidecar Racer]

PRACTICAL GARB FOR LIFE IN THE DESERT?

 

A young Arab asks his father:

 

- What is this weird hat thing that we are wearing ?

 

It’s a “chechia” because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

 

- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

 

It’s a “djbellah” because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

 

- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

 

These are “babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

 

Tell me, papa…

 

Yes, my son?

 

Why are we living behind the petrol station in Edgware Road and still wearing all this doodoo?

[Sidecar Racer]

A woman is explaining to her friend that she heard on the radio that there was a competition in Glasgow where people take part in Irish dancing which lasts only 30 seconds. There is a lengthy discussion about what kind of routine you could do in half – a – minute, and did that mean they danced incredibly fast, sort of like speed dating for dancers!!

 

 

Further enlightenment comes the following day when a newspaper reports that Glasgow is playing host to the

32nd International Irish Dancing Championships .

[Adams442T]

A Bhuddist went to his dentist and refused Novocaine for root canal work

 

He said he wanted to Transcend Dental Medication

 

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............................................................

[steve1]

If an electrician argues with his wife, does he tell her a few ohm truths?

 

steve

[EddieB]

Thought i'd check out the revamped station at Stratford today.

 

It's just wrong on so many levels.

[Sidecar Racer]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.

 

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

 

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

 

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

 

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

 

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

 

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

 

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Sidecar Racer]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a London City bank and asks for an immediate loan of £5,000.

 

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.

 

"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.

 

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the £5,000.

 

Two weeks later, the manwalks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

 

"That will be£ 5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

 

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.

 

"Wait, sir," the loan officer says.

 

"You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?"

 

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in London for two weeks and pay only £15.40?"

[Sidecar Racer]

Scottish Sheep Farmer

 

A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

 

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

 

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

 

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

 

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

 

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

 

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for goodmeasure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

 

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

 

He spends all day sh****ng the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

 

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[QRModeller]

Greg Norman, Tiger Woods, Jesus and another guy all decide to play a round of golf together. Tiger starts with a beautiful drive 130 yards down the fairway. Then using a wedge, Jesus lands the ball 5 yards from the green. Next, Greg Norman chips the ball onto the green ready for the other guy to putt a birdie. The other guy then studies the green for a bit and then pulls out a driver to everyones astonishment and hits the ball back down the course where it lands in a water hazard.

 

"What did you do that for!" Tiger shouted. Meanwhile, as the ball sinks to the bottom of the hazard, a cod swallows it thinking it was food. It then swims near the surface where it gets swooped on by an eagle searching for food which then takes off towards its' nest. It just so happens that, as the eagle is flying over the green, a bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere and strikes the eagle which somehow survives but drops the cod. As the cod hits the ground, the ball rolls out of its mouth and into the cup to everyones amazement. Tiger and Greg are speechless until Jesus turns to the other guy and says

 

"It's just a game dad, take it easy!".

 

Matt.

[Padishar Creel]

Julius Caeser walks into a bar, "I'll have a Martinus, please". The bar keeper gives him a puzzled look, so Caeser repeats the order, "I'll have a Martinus, please".

Again the bar keeper gives him a puzzled look, so Caeser, thinking he is talking too quietly repeats the order, a little slower and more clearly, "I'd like to order a Martinus, please!"

Finally the penny drops and the bar keeper laughs out loud, "Oh I get it, you mean you want a Martini! is that what you want?"

 

"If I want two drinks I will order two drinks" came the reply

[bluebottle]

A farmer bought a new cockerel, to the dismay of the old bird which had been servicing the farmers hens. The newcomer sympathised with the oldie, but said he'd have to accept that he was just past it. The veteran pleaded for a chance to prove he was still fit, and suggested a race around the farmyard. The other agreed and cockily gave him a start. A few minutes later, the farmer came out to see the old bird running desperately round the yard, with the young one in pursuit. Grabbing the newcomer, he wrung its neck, exclaiming: "Dang me! I've bought yet another queer cock!"

[QRModeller]

Q: How do you get a one armed wally out of a tree?

A: Wave to him.

 

 

Q: How many wallys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 5. One to climb up the ladder and the other four to turn it around.

 

 

Q: Why did the wally land his plane on a house?

A: The landing light was on.

 

 

Q: How does a wally call his dog?

A: He puts two fingers in his mouth and shouts "Blurrr-bluh!" (Rover)

 

 

A wally is at his local pool and is about to dive in when a lifeguard rushes up and says "Don't jump in, there's no water in the pool!" "That's ok, I can't swim" replies the wally.

 

 

Q: Why did the wally throw away all of his donuts?

A: They all had holes in them.

 

 

Q: Why did the wally get fired from the M & M's factory?

A: He kept throwing away all of the ones that said 'W'.

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

 

Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the first koala.

 

Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

A: He thought it was a game and joined in.

 

Q: Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

A: Peer pressure.

 

Q: Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?

A: He got taken out by the fourth one.

 

Q: Why did the sixth koala fall out of the tree?

A: He passed out from the smell of the first dead one.

 

 

Matt.

Edited September 7, 2011 by QRModeller

[Highlandman]

Confucious say "Never swim in brown lumpy water."

 

He also say "Duck who fly upside down quack up"

[Mike J]

The BBC have announced that Colonel Gadaffi may have slipped into Jordan.

 

Has that woman no shame?

[Sidecar Racer]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi that was just going by.

 

He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.You're just like Frank."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody, though."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out! But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow, he's some kinda' guy."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman!"

 

Passenger: "What an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I was unfortunate enough to marry his widow!

[Sidecar Racer]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

 

Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

 

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.

 

We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

 

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.

 

The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.

 

You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays.

 

The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

 

The Scouser said 'You're kidding me!'

 

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[Sidecar Racer]

The old man had died.

 

A wonderful funeral was in progress and the local priest talked at length of the good traits

of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

 

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

 

“Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your dad.”

[Sidecar Racer]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question

and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention. The driver

screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the

curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking

driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out

of me..."

 

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I

didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so

badly."

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely

my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a

hearse for 25 years.

[Sidecar Racer]

Irish interview technique

 

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

 

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

 

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

 

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

 

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

 

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

 

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'

 

You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

[pointstaken]

He made her an offer, but she wanted to keep her honour. So all night long it was honour and offer.

 

Dennis

[QRModeller]

7 reasons not to mess with children.

 

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

　

　

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

　

　

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

　

　

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

　

　

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

　

　

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am stand ing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

　

　

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

 

Matt.