The Forum Jokes Thread

[ian]

13 hours ago, RJS1977 said:

 

And for those colonials and youngsters who don't know what it is all about:

 

 

[kevinlms]

A link goes to this, which is news to me.
 

 

[CameronL]

Did you know that you don't need a parachute if you want to go skydiving?

 

 

You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving more than once.

[33C]

I hurt my neck biting into a fondant filled, swirly chocolate with a nut on top.

I've got Walnut Whiplash...

[F-UnitMad]

9 hours ago, Gareth 73 said:

Father Ted " Small, far away".

Comparing chopper sizes, now...??

[ian]

39 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said:

Comparing chopper sizes, now...??

 

Edited November 12, 2022 by ian

[Dorsetmike]

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Dorsetmike said:

I wouldn't like to meet them on a dark night.

[kevinlms]

18 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

I wouldn't like to meet them on a dark night.

Maybe, but plenty of opportunities, because I think this photo has previously appeared at least 3 times before!

[CameronL]

Did you know that Mahatma Gandhi went barefoot for most of his later life, which gave him an impressive set of callouses on his feet?

 

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and his strange diet gave him rather bad breath.

 

Which made him... 

 

(Brace yourselves)

 

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

 

"Groan factor five, Mr Sulu"

Edited November 13, 2022 by CameronL
Typo

[PhilJ W]

[KeithMacdonald]

[aardvark]

Yes, for old people, a life sentence is not a deterrent.

 

[The Johnster]

At my age, I’d be fairly happy to serve a full 30 year stretch…

 

It’s a bit like the 20mph default urban speed limit we are about to introduce on Welsh roads instead of 30mph.  20 is aspirational for many Cardiff commuters; we have the slowest average city rush hour speeds in the UK, because all the roads into the centre come down to one lane on each direction at some point. 

Edited November 14, 2022 by The Johnster

[NIK]

News just in:

 

Matt Hancock has been stung by a scorpion.

 

The scorpion has been offered counselling and awarded a good taste medal. 

[Hroth]

It was the scorpion version of the bush tucker trial.  The scorpion lost the vote and had to eat Hancock...

 

[KeithMacdonald]

11 hours ago, The Johnster said:

At my age, I’d be fairly happy to serve a full 30 year stretch…

 

If you have a word with @Ducking Giraffe, he might be able to book you in to HMP Slade a.k.a the Modellers' Rehabilitation Centre

[Thorness]

[The Johnster]

5 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

If you have a word with @Ducking Giraffe, he might be able to book you in to HMP Slade a.k.a the Modellers' Rehabilitation Centre

If he can guarantee that I'll serve the full 30 years (I'm 70 now), and I can take Cwmdimbath, I'm up for it...

[Dunsignalling]

17 hours ago, The Johnster said:

At my age, I’d be fairly happy to serve a full 30 year stretch…

 

It’s a bit like the 20mph default urban speed limit we are about to introduce on Welsh roads instead of 30mph.  20 is aspirational for many Cardiff commuters; we have the slowest average city rush hour speeds in the UK, because all the roads into the centre come down to one lane on each direction at some point. 

Next thing though, is that they'll start noticing the air quality going south because everybody has to drive around in second and third gear to stay under 20.

 

That leads on to charging  for petrol and diesel cars entering the city and agonised squeals about the loss of city centre trade when motorists switch to out-of-town shopping venues, or just go on-line.

 

John

[DK123GWR]

I feel that a more mature audience may have greater appreciation for the references contained in the following passage to a television programme which, though once pervasive in British popular culture, may not have been encountered by a sufficiently high proportion of people from my own generation for the references to be widely understood by the relatively juvenile (though politically astute) audience for which it was originally composed:

 

I note that Margaret Thatcher, having lost one Chancellor following her refusal to acqiuesce to his demands that the United Kingdom should join the European Exchange Rate mechanism, appointed a replacement who continued to press the issue with equal vigour, and was eventually forced to put aside her concerns about the matter in question and make concessions to him due to the risk that he might, if his views were not given the consideration he felt that they deserved, succeed his predeccessor in resigning as Chancellor, and precipitate the collapse of the Government. Being aware of Mrs Thatcher's preferences regarding a particular satirical situation comedy which had been broadcast during her premiership, I concluded, albeit without definitive evidence, that there was an exceptionally high probability that she was aware of the remarks of a senior civil servant who featured prominently in the aforementioned programme and who, paraphrasing a great literary figure sadly persecuted by the archaic laws then in existence, but now repealed, referred to the perils of losing two cabinet ministers being seen as carelessness, in contrast to the possibility that losing a first may be regarded as a mere misfortune. Additionally recalling that many tutors at this university complain, with surprising frequency, about the prosaic and repetetive nature of the essays with which they are presented by their students, and which they are therefore required to read, I determined that it was worthwhile taking time to consider whether, given the well-known affection that Mrs Thatcher had for the aforementioned programme, and the situation that arose in a particular episode which has been discussed above at great length (though, one can only hope, in a manner which has minimised the quanity of unnessesary circumlocution) it would be appropriate to make reference in passing to the aforementioned remarks of the aforementioned senior civil servant in order to introduce an element of humour to my essay which may elicit a degree of goodwill from my own tutor. However, having now had time to take into account the full range of variables in play, most significantly the hazardous prospect that references to such whimsical situations may hamper my ability to portray myself as a candidate meriting distinction in the field of serious studies of this country's political history, I have concluded, with regret, that I have no choice but to decide to abstain from the inclusion any references to such unconventional subjects as this in academic writing.

[The Johnster]

It will be a big improvement in Neath/Port Talbot (what wouldn’t; If Putin dropped a 20 kiloton bomb there it would lessen the atmospheric pollution and cause 48p’s worth of damage), where local council insanity has the limit changing from 30 to 20 to 30 and so on every 50 yards or so in some places!  The WAG reckon it will be worth the cost of extra journey times in savings on NHS costs incurred by treating urban road accident victims alone, and this is before any savings in ambulance service costs & vehicle wear and tear and tyre mileage are considered.  There are roadnoise reduction benefits to be had as well; modern cars are very quiet and so are hgvs and buses if they are electric, but the tyres aren’t, and the noise level increases in a hyperbolic curve with speed!

 

All in all a win-win I reckon even if it makes little difference to emissions; it will only be a short time before speed limits are enforces automatically by electronic governing and gps anyway and petrol/diesel powered vehicles are likely to be banned in a decade or so.  
 

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by The Johnster

[CameronL]

19 hours ago, The Johnster said:

At my age, I’d be fairly happy to serve a full 30 year stretch…

 

It’s a bit like the 20mph default urban speed limit we are about to introduce on Welsh roads instead of 30mph.  20 is aspirational for many Cardiff commuters; we have the slowest average city rush hour speeds in the UK, because all the roads into the centre come down to one lane on each direction at some point. 

My car will do 30mph in 4th gear at 1500rpm. It will do 20mph in 3rd gear (no way will it do 20mph in 4th) at 1250 rpm. Per minute, its fuel consumption is less,  but a journey takes 1½ times as long. So, its fuel per journey is about 20% more at 20mph than it would be at 30mph.

 

This is not good for the environment.  

 

But also, think about delivery drivers, taxi drivers and others who make a living from driving. If they're in the same situation, because they're having to drive at a lower speed they do fewer journeys per shift, and each one costs more. They will make less money and have to pass the costs on the their customers. For a company to provide the same level of service it will need more vehicles on the road, and therefore higher costs as well as more emissions 

 

This is not good for the economy.

 

The 20 mph speed limit is not good for the environment or the economy   What muppet thought it is a good idea? 

[Jonboy]

Round here Oxford has had the main routes 30mph and all residential side roads 20mph for a number of years and it seems to work ok.

 

Based on this they are trying to make most of the towns and many of the villages in the county blanket 20mph throughout…

[Reorte]

1 hour ago, The Johnster said:

All in all a win-win I reckon even if it makes little difference to emissions; it will only be a short time before speed limits are enforces automatically by electronic governing and gps anyway and petrol/diesel powered vehicles are likely to be banned in a decade or so. 

Sounds like a depressing (and all too plausible) vision of the future. I mean it all sounds well-meaning, it just feels very - controlling is perhaps the word? Certainly not the type of world I want to live in, and that's not because I want to race around above the speed limit in a silly noisy car.

Edited November 14, 2022 by Reorte