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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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My father knew two boys who went to Germany on an exchange visit.

One boy forgot his hairbrush ("haarburste") and wanted to go into a shop to buy one.

"Just be careful what you ask for," his friend replied.

The boy went into the shop and came out looking embarrassed.

"What happened?"

"I've just asked a very large woman if she had a hairy chest."  ("haartebrust")

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44 minutes ago, RJS1977 said:

My father knew two boys who went to Germany on an exchange visit.

One boy forgot his hairbrush ("haarburste") and wanted to go into a shop to buy one.

"Just be careful what you ask for," his friend replied.

The boy went into the shop and came out looking embarrassed.

"What happened?"

"I've just asked a very large woman if she had a hairy chest."  ("haartebrust")

Lucky not to have a black eye.

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15 hours ago, The Sled said:

Reminds me of a Dutch lady I worked with many years ago. She came to England in her late teens to marry an Englishman who she had fallen in love with while he was working in the Netherlands. Unfortunately her command of the English language was not very good, so the first meeting with her future in-laws was a little difficult for her, she being able to discern only a word here and there as the conversation flowed rapidly. To add to her discomfort, her fiance was the son of a vicar and she felt somewhat nervous, desperate as she was to make a good impression. However, at some point the conversation drifted onto the subject of dogs. Now this was something she knew quite a lot about, as her parents had bred dogs for many years, so she felt confident she could safely join in the conversation at this point without making a fool of herself. However, the problem was she didn't know the English verb for "to breed." Undaunted, she remembered a trick she had learnt at school for converting Dutch verbs into English, and so confidently translated the Dutch "Mijn familie fokt hounden" into "My family f**k dogs!"

 

Apparently her sudden interjection didn't fuel the flow of conversation so much as stop it dead in its tracks!

My sister-in-law was married to a chap who started his career in the Dutch merchant navy. During this period he gained his "Vaardiploma" or sailing diploma. After leaving the merchant navy he was once a guest at dinner with a family in the UK. During the conversation he commented "I got my VD when I was in the merchant navy". The reaction at the table was not what he expected.

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25 minutes ago, CameronL said:

I throw myself on the mercy of the court. 

 

Given the nature of the alleged offence, I don't think you have cause for concern!

 

However, IANAL...

 

Edited by Hroth
Get out clause...
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6 hours ago, CameronL said:

 ...snip... One day he said he'd taken his girlfriend to see Warwick Castle, which he pronounced "War-wick" ...snip...

That is the way that I would have pronounced it too. My Dad was born/raised in West Warwick, RI and that is how he pronounced it, too.

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American pronounciations are often somewhat different to British. A friend and I watch NFL games on the NFL app on XBox, and often are intrigued as to how various peoples' names, various cities, etc are pronounced compared to how we would pronounce them.

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20 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said:

That is the way that I would have pronounced it too. My Dad was born/raised in West Warwick, RI and that is how he pronounced it, too.

 

1 minute ago, Ian J. said:

American pronounciations are often somewhat different to British. A friend and I watch NFL games on the NFL app on XBox, and often are intrigued as to how various peoples' names, various cities, etc are pronounced compared to how we would pronounce them.

Wasn't it George Bernard Shaw who said that Britain and the US are "two nations separated by a common language"?

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I was at a conference many years ago when one of the American speakers was Cherry Pancake.  At Ford's Dagenham Plant in the 1960s, Len Plum admitted he had called his daughter Victoria but best of all, the headmaster of the school my kids went to called one of his sons Nicholas Hoare.

 

Cheers,

 

Stan

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15 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

I had a colleague named Richard Head.

Me too... And sadly he lived up to his name.....

 

Train + level crossing gate = Lots of matchsticks + no job.

 

Andy G

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