The Forum Jokes Thread

[NIK]

Humans and wild apes have been shown to share a command language after a study of Millwall supporters.

[Allegheny1600]

On 24/01/2023 at 13:32, LimboBrit said:

You can have a lot of fun making mistakes when learning a foreign language. You just have to embrace them. I've made more than my fair share learning Dutch. To British ears there is an indiscernible difference in sound between the Dutch words for "yellow" and "horny". It nearly got me into trouble when I was in conversation with a Dutch female friend who was wearing an all yellow outfit.

You might have struck lucky on the other hand!

 

A good friend of mine, Jessie has an apartment in my favourite Greek village and one day, his wife sends him to buy a half kilo of chicken (Kotopoulou in Greek). Only he asks for a half kilo of Kolotpous by accident.

” I think you mean chicken “ says the butcher in English, serving him the appropriate meat.

 

Kolotopous would be “ar5*h0les” - somewhat less pleasant!

[The Johnster]

3 hours ago, CameronL said:

We had a "Buddy Geronimo".

 

One of my mum's neighbours went to school with a girl called Agatha Scratch.  I have never understood why this is funny, but always accepted that, nonetheless, it is very funny!

[The Johnster]

58 minutes ago, Allegheny1600 said:

On 24/01/2023 at 13:32, LimboBrit said:

 

You might have struck lucky on the other hand!

 

Dutch girls seem to have a penchant for that sort of thing, or so it is alleged...

[BR60103]

An English actuary that I worked for told me that he'd taken his new Canadian bride to visit his parents.  During the conversation, his sister was mentioned and his mother said "I hear she's getting a really good screw."    There were quiet explanations in their bedroom that night.

 

[steve1]

Talking of colleagues’ names, when I was in the Civil Service, at one time one of my senior officers was called Joy Balls.

 

steve

[PhilJ W]

[LimboBrit]

7 hours ago, Allegheny1600 said:

You might have struck lucky on the other hand!

😉

[LimboBrit]

9 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

I had a colleague named Richard Head.

Years ago we had dealings with a representative who's name was Dick Dokter. I decided to keep his business card for posterity.

[LimboBrit]

14 hours ago, Ian J. said:

American pronounciations are often somewhat different to British. A friend and I watch NFL games on the NFL app on XBox, and often are intrigued as to how various peoples' names, various cities, etc are pronounced compared to how we would pronounce them.

When I was living and working in Florida I had a Texan colleague. One day we were talking about dentists and dental care. He commented that he once "bust ma tooth biden on ass". Incredulously I asked him how he came to be biting somebody's backside. He looked very puzzled. He meant that he had broken a tooth biting on ice.

Edited January 26, 2023 by LimboBrit

[CameronL]

Back to my former American employers: we used to have a lot of comings and goings across the pond to Boston, and one such visitor was an Office Manager looking how the UK office ran. This was just after I joined the company, and while sorting out some stationery for my desk I asked her if she had a rubber.

 

Of course, I meant an eraser.

 

Americans call them erasers. Over there, "Rubber" is another word for a condom.

 

I couldn't understand why she was so offended. 

Edited January 26, 2023 by CameronL

[Welchester]

12 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

I had a colleague named Richard Head.

 

A friend of mine persuaded a Richard Brain not to apply for a job at a boys' school.

[LimboBrit]

20 minutes ago, CameronL said:

I asked her if she had a rubber.

Yes....been there, done that!

[Dagworth]

Don’t be confused if an Aussie asks for a roll of durex…. 
 

it’s what they call sellotape 

[Titan]

It'll end up a sticky situation either way!

[The Johnster]

See, I've got a mental image now, and I can't unget it.  Thanks a bunch, Titan...

[The Johnster]

16 hours ago, NIK said:

Humans and wild apes have been shown to share a command language after a study of Millwall supporters.

 

I doubt that.  Millwall supporters do not have the capacity to manage the complex and intricate language of apes; even Cardiff City supporters can run rings around them intellectually, and some of them would have problems achieving ape-level capacity.

[Hroth]

20 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

See, I've got a mental image now, and I can't unget it.  Thanks a bunch, Titan...

 

Perhaps you could unglue it?  🤪

[The Johnster]

You're not helping...

 

But it was a kind thought, so you can give Cute Dougie Dog a tickle behind the ears from me.

[MRE2]

Don't mess with old people......

Old guy walks into doctors surgery : "PROBLEM WITH MY DICK".
General shock among patients and staff............
Receptionist : "Sssshhhh ! Not so embarrassing, and quieter please".
Old Guy : "What do you suggest ?"
Receptionist : "Go out, come in again, and say something like 'Problem with my ear' and we can attend to you."
Old guy walks out, then returns to the reception : "Excuse me, I have a problem with my ear"
Receptionist : "Can you explain the nature of the problem ?"
Old guy : "Yes. I CAN'T PISS OUT OF IT"

[F-UnitMad]

5 hours ago, Dagworth said:

Don’t be confused if an Aussie asks for a roll of durex…. 
 

it’s what they call sellotape 

Jasper Carrott made a living off that joke 40 years ago.

[Colin_McLeod]

A little boy was in a bus eating chocolate, then he took another one and then another..... a man next to him said "Do you know that too much chocolate will damage your teeth?" The boy replied "my grandfather lived for 102 years." The man asked "was it because he ate chocolate?" The boy replied "no, it was beacuse he minded his own business."

😂😂

[luckymucklebackit]

21 hours ago, CameronL said:

Back to my former American employers: we used to have a lot of comings and goings across the pond to Boston, and one such visitor was an Office Manager looking how the UK office ran. This was just after I joined the company, and while sorting out some stationery for my desk I asked her if she had a rubber.

 

Of course, I meant an eraser.

 

Americans call them erasers. Over there, "Rubber" is another word for a condom.

 

I couldn't understand why she was so offended. 

 

On a similar vein, our French book at school told us that a raincoat was "le caoutchouc" and with the usual teacher this was no problem.  Then we had a young French woman as a supply teacher for a while and when le caoutchouc was used she went bright red and suggested that imperméable was more appropriate.  Turns out that le caoutchouc = rubber = condom, hence the embarrassment.

 

Jim

[F-UnitMad]

13 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

A little boy was in a bus eating chocolate, then he took another one and then another..... a man next to him said "Do you know that too much chocolate will damage your teeth?" The boy replied "my grandfather lived for 102 years." The man asked "was it because he ate chocolate?" The boy replied "no, it was beacuse he minded his own business."

😂😂

I'm not sure if that's funny or frightening, because there are plenty of feral scum youths around nowadays who would stab you without hesitation if you so much as look at them.

[The Johnster]

Wotcha mean nowadays?  Been like that for about the last 40 years where I live, brought about by the introduction of drugs that poor kids without hope can afford, the 80s in my area.  Threatened a few weeks ago in broad daylight by a group of schoolgirls, 'bout 12/13, who were fairly obviously off their pasty spoonfaces on something, looked like crack.  Ignored it, best not to respond or engage, just part of life's rich tapestry on the mean streets of the inner-city...