The Forum Jokes Thread

[£1.38]

If your feet smell and your nose runs you must be upside down

[QRModeller]

Mary, Mary, quite contrary. How does your garden grow? Up stupid!

 

 

The night was dark and stormy, the dunny light was dim. I heard a crash and then a splash, 'By gosh! He's fallen in!

 

 

Good King Wenceslas went to town, in a Mini Minor. Crashed into an atom bomb and ended up in China!

 

 

We three Kings of Orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car. One on a scooter, blowing a hooter, following yonder car.

 

 

Of all the birds I'd like to be, I'd like to be a sparra. So I can sit on the Princess Bridge and help to fill the Yarra!

 

 

Spring is srung, the grass is rizz. I wonder where the birdie is? They say the bird is on the wing, but I say the wing is on the bird!

 

 

They speak of the state of the weather. They tell of the birds that sing. But to sit down quick on a red hot brick is the sign of an early spring!

 

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men, had omlettes for breakfast!

 

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

I'll probably get booted off the forum for this:

 

(to the tune of 'God Save the Queen/King')

 

God save our biscuit tin,

Don't let the rats get in,

God save our tin.

If they do get in,

Throw the ratsack in.

Just to save our biscuit tin,

God save our tin!

 

 

Matt.

[travelintrev]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner and a bucket.

 

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

 

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

 

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[Mike J]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

 

He looked up and said weakly,

 

"I have something I must confess"

 

"There's no need" replied his wife.

 

"No" he insisted, "I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

 

"I know", she replied,

 

"Now just rest and let the poison work."

[QRModeller]

" The Shredder "

 

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

 

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

 

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

 

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

 

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[Mike J]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock that evening.

The man hurriedly dressed and asked his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put his shoes on and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I cannot lie to you" he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes. "You lying pig...You've been playing golf!"

[clecklewyke]

Bob Monkhouse told this wonderful joke against himself:

 

"When I told my school friends that I was going to become a comedian they laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are not laughing now!"

[DonB]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love

to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.

 

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me --

a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a

divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell

you what happened.'

 

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began --

 

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here

asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took

pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,

not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for

three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the

enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because

you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in

moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and

while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of

holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the

designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because

you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your

anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't

wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the

expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the

same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued -

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to

the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do

you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Sidecar Racer]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

 

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

 

£10. a pill," Answered the son.

 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

 

Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110".

 

"I know," said Grandpa.

 

"The hundred is from Grandma!"

[Sidecar Racer]

An old man of 80 walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

 

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through

 

Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

 

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

 

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

 

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[Sidecar Racer]

Dear John,

 

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

 

Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

 

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

 

All my love,

 

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

 

 

 

 

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[Sidecar Racer]

A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

 

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

 

 

 

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Sidecar Racer]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

 

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[bluebottle]

The late Fred Wedlock used to tell this story of fellow student Dai, at Swansea University.

 

'I was in the dining room one morning when my mate Dai came in, and I saw his face was bruised black and blue down one side:

"Good God, Dai! What happened to you?"

"Oh - Iwan Beynon hit me"

Iwan Beynon, one of the tutors, was about five feet five and eight stones; Dai six feet four and seventeen stones.

"How on Earth did Iwan Beynon manage to do that to you?

"He hit me with an iron bar he happened to have in his hand at the time"

"Oh - but couldn't you have defended yourself? Didn't you have anything in your hand at the time?"

"Yes - Mrs Iwan Beynon's missus' left knocker - and it's a thing of consummate symmetry and beauty - but it's bug9er-all use as a weapon!" '

[newbryford]

When the missus left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

 

Since then, I've got a dog, bought a new bike, sh*gged made love to 2 women and blown a grand on hard drink and cocaine.

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She'll go mental when she gets home from work.

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

Edited October 12, 2011 by newbryford

[Allegheny1600]

The late Fred Wedlock used to tell this story '

Ha, ha, ha! That reminds me;

During the war, a German spy was landed from a U-boat upon the shore by a little Welsh village. The spy's contact was a certain Mr Jones and the code phrase to identify him with was "It's a dark night in Merthyr Tydfil tonight".

Mr Spy makes his way into the village where he meets the local postie.

"Excuse me, Mr Postman" says the spy with a perfectly good, English accent, "Do you know a Mr Jones by any chance?"

"Well, lets see" says postie, "You've got Jones the Butcher, you've got Jones the Baker, Jones the pub and Jones the shepherd"

"There's also Jones the Barber, Jones the Grocer, Jones the Papers and Jones the Vicar, of course!"

"And then there is me - I'm Jones!".

Thinking that he'd stumbled across his man, Mr Spy repeats his code phrase.

"Aha" says the postie,......

"You want Jones the Spy!"

.

.

At least I've left the Irish, Scots, French, Italians etc, etc - alone!

With apologies to anyone easily offended by traditional jokes,

John E.

[steve1]

IF YOU CAN READ THIS Then you're probably not using a Blackberry.

 

steve

[Sidecar Racer]

My dad caught me smoking when I was 14 and made me have the whole pack to teach me a lesson.

 

 

I wish he'd caught me with a girl guide.

[Sidecar Racer]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

 

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to

putta 5-a people in a Quattro."

 

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

 

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

 

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says

unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons

 

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are

thereforea breaking tha law."

 

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I

vont to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

 

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2

guys in a Fiat Uno"

[Sidecar Racer]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

 

'No,' the woman replied.

 

!

 

!

 

I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

[Sidecar Racer]

The Pastor's New Teeth

 

 

 

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

 

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

 

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

 

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

 

When asked about this by some of his congregation, he responded:

 

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore, it hurt to talk."

 

"The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot."

 

"The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up."

[John_Hughes]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub.

 

The Welshman was still in New Zealand.

[Sidecar Racer]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a le*bian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a le*bian.'

 

[Colin_McLeod]

Happy 2nd Birthday to the new forum jokes thread.