The Forum Jokes Thread

[CameronL]

2 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

Ha, so the two wingers do all the work but the middle forward is a idler?

I think Spurs' wheel arrangement was all idlers yesterday.

[eastglosmog]

On 22/04/2023 at 16:50, The Johnster said:

There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.  But it's always the other end...

As full rainbows (when you can see them) are circular, they don't have an end!

[The Johnster]

In that case, why is there a J1 on the M25?

[Hroth]

35 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

In that case, why is there a J1 on the M25?

 

If you have to label junctions you have to start from somewhere! At least the planners started from a logical point, and proceeded in a logical direction...

 

Nowadays some loon would probably do it using What Three Words and possibly end up with Junction Absolutely.Bl00dy.Stupid!

 

(Don't even know if A.B.S is a legal wot3wrds location but I thought it would be appropriate)

 

Edited April 25, 2023 by Hroth
clarification

[Reorte]

4 minutes ago, Hroth said:

 

If you have to label junctions you have to start from somewhere! At least the planners started from a logical point, and proceeded in a logical direction...

 Highest junction number is 31 (well according to a quick Google, I'm not all that familiar with the M25), and thus the numbering does appropriately just keep going up and up as you carry on around. At least if you count in 5 bit binary and are happy to put up with overflowing back to 1.

[Hroth]

8 minutes ago, Reorte said:

 Highest junction number is 31 (well according to a quick Google, I'm not all that familiar with the M25), and thus the numbering does appropriately just keep going up and up as you carry on around. At least if you count in 5 bit binary and are happy to put up with overflowing back to 1.

 

But is the bit crossing the Thames really part of the motorway? I think you have to pay extra to cross, so its a break in the loop and reasonable to expect the junction count to restart from 1 on the other side. I've never been on the M25 so I can't speak from personal experience.

 

Edited April 25, 2023 by Hroth

[Compound2632]

18 minutes ago, Hroth said:

But is the bit crossing the Thames really part of the motorway? I think you have to pay extra to cross, so its a break in the loop and reasonable to expect the junction count to restart from 1 on the other side. 

 

The OS map shows the section between M25 J30 (crossing the A12 at Thurrock) and M25 J2 (crossing the A2 at Darenth) as A282 so it would appear that the M25 starts at J2 and ends at J30.

 

But, on the other hand, there being a toll does not exclude a road from being a motorway: I bring as witness my old friend the M6 Toll.

 

Most of my M25ing is done between J2 and J12 or between J15 and J23; I have never driven any of the section beyond J27 or used the Dartford crossing in either direction.

Edited April 25, 2023 by Compound2632

[Talltim]

39 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

The OS map shows the section between M25 J30 (crossing the A12 at Thurrock) and M25 J2 (crossing the A2 at Darenth) as A282 so it would appear that the M25 starts at J2 and ends at J30.

 

But, on the other hand, there being a toll does not exclude a road from being a motorway: I bring as witness my old friend the M6 Toll.

 

Most of my M25ing is done between J2 and J12 or between J15 and J23; I have never driven any of the section beyond J27 or used the Dartford crossing in either direction.

I went all the way round (via Heathrow and Gatwick) one day. Clockwise starting from the A1

[Compound2632]

2 minutes ago, Talltim said:

I went all the way round (via Heathrow and Gatwick) one day. Clockwise starting from the A1

 

In one day? That's an average speed of at least 5 mph, which some would say seems unlikely...

[Nick C]

45 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

In one day? That's an average speed of at least 5 mph, which some would say seems unlikely...

 

Quote

'Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contendors for Exhibit A.Where they go wrong, of course, is assuming that the wretched road is evil simpy because of the incredible carnage and frustration it engenders every day. In fact, very few people on the face of the planet know that the very shape of the M25 forms the sigil odegra in the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu, and means 'Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds'. The thousands of motorists who daily fume their way around its serpentine lengths have the same effect as water on a prayer wheel, grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil to pollute the metaphysical atmosphere for scores of miles around'. - 'Good Omens' (Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman)

 

[Hroth]

1 hour ago, Compound2632 said:

But, on the other hand, there being a toll does not exclude a road from being a motorway: I bring as witness my old friend the M6 Toll.

 

But the M6 Toll is an alternative route, you don't have to use it, you can continue on the occasionally uncongested non-toll M6.  I think the folk who use the toll option are mainly those who can claim it on expenses...

 

[Compound2632]

24 minutes ago, Hroth said:

But the M6 Toll is an alternative route

 

All routes are alternative routes.

 

If you're in Darenth and want to get to Thurrock without paying a toll, there's 100 miles of free motorway...

  

24 minutes ago, Hroth said:

I think the folk who use the toll option are mainly those who can claim it on expenses...

 

I use the M6 Toll when travelling M40 - M42 - M6 in both directions and M40 - M42 - A38 northbound only*. It's simply much pleasanter driving and in my view, worth the money.

 

*Southbound A38 - A446 - M42 is even pleasanter. Northbound there's usually a tedious queue on the A446 up to Bassets Pole.

Edited April 25, 2023 by Compound2632

[F-UnitMad]

3 hours ago, The Johnster said:

In that case, why is there a J1 on the M25?

As others have said; the M25 is not a complete circle. The Dartford crossing is not part of the M25, but joins it together over the Thames.

If you want complicated junction numbering on a motorway that does form a complete circle, try the M60/M62 round Manchester. 😝

[Reorte]

32 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said:

As others have said; the M25 is not a complete circle. The Dartford crossing is not part of the M25, but joins it together over the Thames.

If you want complicated junction numbering on a motorway that does form a complete circle, try the M60/M62 round Manchester. 😝

Even the M60's debatable. The part where it steals the M62 notwithstanding you've got to turn off it to stay on, otherwise you end up heading towards Bury or sailing over the Pennines, depending on which way you're going, the junction being the very close to aptly-named Simister Island (although supposedly something's going to be done about its traffic-grinding nature in the nearish future).

[Night Train]

[The Johnster]

10 hours ago, Nick C said:

Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contendors for Exhibit A.Where they go wrong, of course, is assuming that the wretched road is evil simpy because of the incredible carnage and frustration it engenders every day. In fact, very few people on the face of the planet know that the very shape of the M25 forms the sigil odegra in the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu, and means 'Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds'. The thousands of motorists who daily fume their way around its serpentine lengths have the same effect as water on a prayer wheel, grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil to pollute the metaphysical atmosphere for scores of miles around'. - 'Good Omens' (Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman)

 

'Stood still on a highway

I saw a woman

By the side of the road

With a face that I knew like my own

Reflected in my window

Well she walked up to my quarterlight

And she bent down real low

A fearful pressure parylysed me in my shadow

 

And she said

'Son, what are you doing here?

My fear for you has turned me

in my grave'.

So I said

'Momma I have come to the valley of the rich,

myself to sell'. 

And she said,

'Son, this is the road to Hell

On your journey 'cross the Wilderness

from the desert to the well

you have strayed upon the Motorway

to Hell'...

 

 

...This ain't no upwardly mobile freeway

This is the road to Hell

 

This ain' no technological breakdown

oh, no,

This is the road to Hell.

 

Look out world, take a good look,

see who's down here.

This is the road

to Hell.

[Compound2632]

5 hours ago, The Johnster said:

quarterlight

 

No a word much met with outside of railway carriage nerdery. 

 

Or is it more current in the automobile context in American English?

[Hibelroad]

After wading through the last few pages I’m getting nostalgic for the cracker jokes. 

[Stubby47]

37 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

 

No a word much met with outside of railway carriage nerdery. 

 

Or is it more current in the automobile context in American English?

 

I thought a quarterlight was the small triangular opening window, found on the leading edge of the front doors on 1950s/60s BMC cars, such as this Morris Minor.

 

Edited April 26, 2023 by Stubby47

[F-UnitMad]

2 hours ago, Hibelroad said:

After wading through the last few pages I’m getting nostalgic for the cracker jokes. 

Wow, that is getting desperate!! 😉

[Thorness]

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Stubby47 said:

 

I thought a quarterlight was the small triangular opening window, found on the leading edge of the front doors on 1950s/60s BMC cars, such as this Morris Minor.

 

The name comes from how flat glass was produced before the 'float' method was invented. A globule of molten glass was spun and centrifugal force made it into a disc. Once it was cooled it was cut into panes. The flat panes with straight edges were the most sought after and expensive. The panes from the edge with a curved side were used in horse drawn carriages either side of the doors, usually four matching panes were required hence the term quarterlight. The cheapest pane was the 'bullseye' from the centre of the disc.                   

[Steamport Southport]

On 25/04/2023 at 13:12, Hroth said:

 

If you have to label junctions you have to start from somewhere! At least the planners started from a logical point, and proceeded in a logical direction...

 

Nowadays some loon would probably do it using What Three Words and possibly end up with Junction Absolutely.Bl00dy.Stupid!

 

(Don't even know if A.B.S is a legal wot3wrds location but I thought it would be appropriate)

 

 

Couldn't bothered doing it properly but the closest (funniest) I got at random places at the Junction was

 

Spent Pies Entire

Scarf Land Hours

Ship Face Flames

About Potato Ages

News Unrealistic Heads

 

 

[Hroth]

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

 

Couldn't bothered doing it properly but the closest (funniest) I got at random places at the Junction was

 

Spent Pies Entire

Scarf Land Hours

Ship Face Flames

About Potato Ages

News Unrealistic Heads

 

 

 

I think "Ship Face Flames" would be ideal as there's so much scope for misunderstanding!

 

[The Johnster]

9 hours ago, Compound2632 said:

 

No a word much met with outside of railway carriage nerdery. 

 

Or is it more current in the automobile context in American English?

 

In the song, it was being used in the automobile context, the triangular swivelling opening small window at the front of the front door windows, a more or less standard feature of 1950s and 60s cars.  It was already a little dated as a reference when Chris Rea (I know his brother, Dai) wrote it in 1989.  They were hinged about halfway to swivel vertically, as in the photo of the Moggy, and were very useful little things, as the hinges were stiff enough to hold the triangle at the desired angle at speed, and of course the (manual) adjustment was infinitely variable.  The car could be ventilated to the degree desired, and the only downsides were minor sightline-blocking in that (relatively unimportant) direction and noise if you were going a bit fast.  Once you were on the move, very little rain got in that way (though they dribbled somewhat while you were waiting at the lights), and unlike modern cars, the side mirrors were on the ends on the wings rather that on the front edge of the doors as they are now. 

 

On the ends of the wings, they were arguably more in the driver's normal ahead-viewing sightline, but the exposed mirrors were vulnerable to damage and blocked the drivers view of vehicles emerging from side roads and such.  The quarterlights were a very common means of entry for car thieves as well (oh, yeah, we had them back in those days as well).

 

Railway carriage nerdery?  Well, the word 'clerestory' does not evoke images of gothic cathederals as an initial response, so, yeah, ok, guilty as charged m'lud and proud of it!