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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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10 hours ago, Hroth said:

 

I'm on a 7 day weekend now, its definitely not long enough!

 

And its getting to the point where one has to make a conscious effort to remember what day of the week it is...

 

 

I can usually tell if it's a weekend, as there is a primary school across the road from me, but I am yewkered in the school holidays.  And we had a bad night last night, The Squeeze unwell and having to be looked after, so my already wierd sleep pattern is going to be all over the place for a few days, confusing matters even more.  In many ways it doesn't matter, of course, and as Janet Joplin once said 'it's all the same f*ckin' day, man', and she knew...  I've got to remember when it's Sunday, though, because the big shops on Newport Road shut at four.

 

There's always the top right hand corner of my Mac monitor, of course, connected to the atomic clock at Cerne.  Why a clock at a place with a giant with an erection is so special I'm not sure...

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2 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

FB_IMG_1688323042335.jpg.ca2f69a9cf9152b166ff038227a1171a.jpg

When we made it into a film we had no end of trouble with the union about the scenery, but it should all blow over.....

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2 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

I've never been comfortable with the idea of using a shower at an airport.

Especially since they opened an "Extraterrestial Aliens" channel at Customs and Immigration.

 

image.png.af30d5fdd011b94c5c4c70ba94f298e0.png

 

I have to say that 'dalek' was my initial response as well.  Exfoliate!

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1 hour ago, LimboBrit said:

Exfoliate!

54e1a853-a71e-4880-9edb-bfc183ae5a03.jpeg

 

The by-standers conversation goes something like this:

 

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

What's that?

Two Daleks in camouflage.

Well, of course not.

What do you mean, of course not?

Well, if they are wearing camouflage, how come we can still see them?

Ah, well, good thing Daleks are not all that clever, eh?

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2 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

2023-07-03(2).png.d33867def7e3d47a603d96054cbb0b19.png

 

 

🤣

From The Goodies

 

The following episode, "Commonwealth Games", provides the perfect platform for Tim to laud the glory days of the Mother Country over the far-flung reaches of the British Empire, especially when Graeme complains about Tim watching the boring sport of cricket. T: "Good heavens, the British Empire was founded on cricket." G (bemused): "I beg your pardon?! T (to background music other than "Land of Hope And Glory"): "It's true. Picture us, the English. That proud indomitable island race surrounded by a load of non cricket-playing frogs, , krauts and greasy dagos. But were we downhearted? No! Generations of Englishmen sallied forth to the uttermost ends of the earth to seek out ignorant savages to teach them the traditions of English justice, respect for the Queen and how to play cricket so that we could send out to them our ambassadors for goodwill, crack test teams of first-class players, and beat the living daylights out of them! B: "Aha so that's all we care about is it? Winning!" T (matter-of-factly): "Bill, you do not play cricket to win. You play it to draw!"

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10 hours ago, aardvark said:

Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?


His name is Juan O'Clock.

Did you hear about the Italian-American pasta chef?.

 

His name is Al Dente.

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A few on the same theme:


IMG_2084.jpeg.c3c98dbc1ca1077ba9d78afbeb927b15.jpeg

 

Macdonald’s farm are advertising for applicants for a senior management position: E-I-C-I-O

 

What is now a suburb of Glasgow before it was absorbed into the city had a large house as the home of the local nobility. It was demolished, and a farmhouse built on the site in the 1840s. Glasgow City Libraries have published a book of old pictures of the suburb (many libraries do series of books like this) with a picture of the farmhouse on the cover:

 

Here it is

Edited by pH
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