QRModeller Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Say out loud, Irish Wrist Watch three times fast. Bet you can't do it first time. Matt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted January 31, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 31, 2012 How many Blonde's does it take to change a lightbulb?, One, if she's got the receipt. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 A laugh for any day of the week:- Turn away now all ye who hate the see the English language abused... Church Ladies With computers. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge' - Up Yours. 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester England, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the merchandise increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. “That’s nice,†she thinks, “but I want more.†So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,†she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework…. “Oh mercy me!†she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!†Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,459,137 to this floor. There are no men on this floor…. This floor only exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street, with the same rules. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited! 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 ..... This floor only exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. ..... Far too close to the truth to be funny, that one.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 This one just in: So, Capello has resigned from the post of England football manager. This event would make it the second time this year that an Italian has jumped from a sinking ship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) ....and via Radio 4's "News Quiz": England manager-to-be Harry Redknapp has announced that he thinks he can handle the Euros OK, so long as they are unmarked, untraceable, and paid direct into his Monaco account. Edited February 21, 2012 by Horsetan 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Apparently Harry Redknapp has ruled himself out of the running to take on the England job, as he feels it will be too taxing! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 13, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) Thanks to MC - edited for a public forum. A 5-year old girl is driven to school each day by her Grandad. One day when he wasn't feeling very well, Grandma took her. That night, she told her parents that the ride to school was very different. "What made it different?" asked her Mum. "Well Gran and I didn't see a single t*****, bl*** b******d, d*** ***d, mother ******, or w***** anywhere on our way to school today.........." Cheers, Mick Edited February 13, 2012 by newbryford 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 18, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 18, 2012 Having retired but still wishing to remain active I manged to get a part time job . After landing my new job as a B & Q employee - I think they call it a " Greeter ", a good job for many retired old bods, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours in my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they certainly are not twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm not blind and I'm not stupid,Madam. I just couldn't believe anyone might have s*****d you twice.... So, have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) This has been around for a while, but I don't remember it appearing here previously:- The following is an actual question given in a University of Arizona Chemistry examination, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with his colleagues, via the internet, which is of course why we can enjoy it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when compressed. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. Edited February 19, 2012 by DonB 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Police are investigating the throwing of a pound coin onto the pitch at Ibrox. They aren't sure if it was intended as a missile or a takeover attempt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wicor Models Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 What's got four legs and more money than Glasgow Rangers FC? Harry Rednapp's dog. TAXI!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 The Pocket Taser Stun Gun Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all TH AT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little itty bitty tiny triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little 'ol thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst', when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???) My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! Matt Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Matt 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 ....At a recent computer expo.... That must have been back in 1995.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium skipepsi Posted February 20, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 20, 2012 That must have been back in 1995.... Be more tolerant Ivan he is from Brisbane.............. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 An angel suddenly appears in front of a man, and announces that he is able to grant the man one wish - and only one. Asked whether there is anything he would like to wish for, the man says: "I'd like to live forever." The angel replies: "Unfortunately I'm not allowed to grant that kind of wish. Make another wish." The man says: "Well, in that case, I'd like to die when Arsenal win the Champions' League." To which the angel replies: "Ooh, you cheeky git!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyB Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My wife said she was leaving me because of my OCD. I said fine; just shut the door 5 times on your way out! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 20, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 20, 2012 NO Speak English A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.) What were you Thinking? Her husband speaks English Hellooo! Now get back to work ! I worry about you Sometimes! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 20, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 20, 2012 QUIZ : ARE YOU A MALE OR FEMALE? NOT SURE? HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT... . .. NOT IN THIS MESSAGE , YOU DAFT MUPPET . I worry about you sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) What is the definition of a good wife? A good wife is somebody who will forgive and forget. ....except she'll never forget what she forgave. .....TAXI!!! There, that's better. Edited February 21, 2012 by Horsetan Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 21, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 21, 2012 Getting Married Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds " Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "Good, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted February 21, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yorkshire Man Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom? Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." *** A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft ######!" *** A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin". He explodes - "''ell man, you've left the "e" out, you've left the "e" out!" The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin". *** Bloke from Barnsley with a sore a**e asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell a**e cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?" 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 That must have been back in 1995.... I have no idea when this apparently happened, I just posted it because it got e-mailed to me recently. Matt. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now