The Forum Jokes Thread

[AndyB]

The pasty tax has been tried before, in 19th Century Cornwall.

 

 

 

 

The pie-rates of Penzance.

[Budgie]

[PhilJ W]

It is reported that most Germans now own a second property. Its called Greece.

[AndrewC]

It is reported that most Germans now own a second property. Its called Greece.

Tis true. A mate of mine just came back from Athens. Every single chair, bench, etc was covered by a beach towel.

[newbryford]

Here is a golf ethics question for you:

 

You are playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match is all square after 17 holes. You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match.â"

 

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball sails out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

 

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

 

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

 

Cheers,

Mick

Edited March 30, 2012 by newbryford

[Brush47337]

Angela Merkel lands at Athens airport and gets stopped by customs on the way through.

 

Name? ........ Angela Merkel

 

Nationality? ..... German

 

occupation? ......... "no just visiting"

 

 

Boom Boom

[AndyB]

Local newspaper ad:

 

"Mirror for sale. £25. Never used."

[John_Hughes]

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

 

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

 

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

 

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

 

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

 

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

 

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

 

 

(Pause)

 

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

[steve1]

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

 

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.

 

steve

[Horsetan]

Thought: if people signal an intention to get married during the drought, would the official Notices constitute "hosepipe banns"?

[chris p bacon]

Paddy goes into a florist and says, I would like to buy a bunch of flowers

for my girlfriend.

 

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're

after?"

 

Paddy replies "A sh*g"

Edited April 11, 2012 by chris p bacon

[newbryford]

My mate Sid was the subject of I.D. theft the other day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now we just call him "S"

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

[PhilJ W]

They've chosen the judge to try Abu Hamza when he's extradited to the U.S. Its Judge Manny Goldberg.

[newbryford]

My friend asked his wife the other day

"Why have you got all those cookery and recipe books when you can't cook?"

 

She replied "Why have you got all those pornographic DVD's?"

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

[shortliner]

Donation

 

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

 

'It is!'

 

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

 

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

 

'I do!'

 

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

 

'He is!'

 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

 

'He will.'

................................

 

 

Confession

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up

two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex

with each of them three times.'

 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

 

Man: 'What sins?'

 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

......................................

 

 

Brothel Trip

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a

young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and

asks how old he is.

 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

 

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

......................................

 

 

Senility

 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting

senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget

to zip down.'

....................................

 

 

Pest Control

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a

pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed

him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the

bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

 

'Who are you?' he asked him..

 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

 

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man

replied.

 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little ######!'..

 

.......................................

 

 

Marriage Humour

 

 

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

 

Husband: Nothing.

 

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an

hour.'

 

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

 

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

 

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Stress Reliever

 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles

and lighten your burden.'

 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or

troubles.'

 

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

 

------------------------------

 

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to

give up my seat to a lady.'

 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my

father hadn't left me a fortune?'

 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO

LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face

or my sexy body?'

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of

humour!'

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Husbands are husbands

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on

it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name

of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the

housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the

head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

 

 

 

Let us pray.....................

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humour out of life,

And pass it on to other folks.

[newbryford]

In hindsight, I should've put my facebook status as "I've just blown the engine on my 1999 XR3i" rather than "I've just f*%@ed a 13 year old Escort".

 

The police have just confiscated my computer and the wife has thrown me out......

 

Cheers,

Mick

[steve1]

It was a mistake to steal a smart car. It picked me out of the police line-up, and appeared as a witness for the prosecution.

 

steve

[shortliner]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

 

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

 

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs... Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

 

[AndyB]

A Maltese, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,

a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

 

I'll sit back and wait to hear which page of the topic this joke first appeared. It must have done by now!

[AndyB]

Seems the Olympic bell has been in the news this week....

The LOGOC’s first choice for bell ringer died. They re-advertised the job and a man with no arms applied. LOGOC weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the Olympic bell tower, the man ran toward the bell and he hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the ground below. Dead. As a DoDo. One onlooker asked his mate "Do you know this guy?" His mate responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother applies for the vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the ground below. The same two onlookers are there, watching. The first asks, "Well, he looks familiar, do you know him?" and his mate responds "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

[shortliner]

Now we are back - lets all smile

 

I changed my IPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can

stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it

dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on

words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop

quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job

because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four

seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit

me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A

thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been

stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously the government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[DonB]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,

marches into a pharmacy.

 

Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds -

to reveal a condom.

 

The condom has a number of patches on it.

 

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

 

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

 

"Six pence" says the chemist.

 

"How much for a new one?"

 

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

 

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the

silk square handkerchief

and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,

and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.

 

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed by an even greater shout.

 

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists

and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

 

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

â€We'll have a new one."

[DonB]

Sleeping with Bill

All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bill, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so; they voted to take turns.

 

The first guy slept with Bill and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

 

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bill snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "

Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bill shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

 

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

 

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bill into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bill sat up and watched me all night."

 

With age comes wisdom.

[St. Simon]

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

 

Hi,

 

I heard that at Scotland Yard they had only part of the toilets stolen meaning they can't flush them. They have several leads so far, but no chains....

 

Sorry, coat on, gone

 

Simon

[AndyB]

I was on a plane the other day and you would NOT believe it.

 

There were two guys in the row in front of me bitching about the pilot being a woman.

 

"Jeez, I thought, you sexist, misoginist pigs - it's not like she'll have to reverse the thing is it!"