The Forum Jokes Thread

[bluebottle]

The Movie test

This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list until you have done the maths.

Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing test can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find the movie you are most likely to enjoy from the list of 18 movies below

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

Now, isn't that something.....?

 

Nah, it's rubbish. Mine came out as "Casablanca", a very overrated film in my opinion - there isn't a single attractive goat in it. OK, it got yours right, but maybe you have a touch of dyscalculia like I do?

[beast66606]

3.17 X 3 = 9.51 + 3 = 12.51 *3 = 37.53.

add 2 digits = 12, 10, 8 or 6 depending on which 2.

 

(It doesn't state the first number has to be a whole number)

 

(btw - I think the Casablanca comment was as tongue in cheek as my answer)

[Budgie]

Call your number n

Multiply by 3: 3n

Add 3: 3n+3

Multiply by 3 again: 9n+9

Notice that 9n = 10n - n, so 9n+9 = 10n + (9-n)

This gives a two-digit number, the digits of which are n and (9-n)

Add the two digits together: n + (9-n) = 9

Works all the time.

[BoD]

3.17 X 3 = 9.51 + 3 = 12.51 *3 = 37.53.

add 2 digits = 12, 10, 8 or 6 depending on which 2.

 

(It doesn't state the first number has to be a whole number)

 

Or add all of the digits

 

(btw - I think the Casablanca comment was as tongue in cheek as my answer)

 

I think he was only kidding.

 

 

[bluebottle]

Call your number n

Multiply by 3: 3n

Add 3: 3n+3

Multiply by 3 again: 9n+9

Notice that 9n = 10n - n, so 9n+9 = 10n + (9-n)

This gives a two-digit number, the digits of which are n and (9-n)

Add the two digits together: n + (9-n) = 9

Works all the time.

 

Of course it does; it was evidently devised by a numerate capraphile*!

 

*Not in the OED, though obviously it ought to be...

[beast66606]

Or add all of the digits

 

 

 

I think he was only kidding.

 

Someone has deleted a post, haven't you Colin M... so mine now looks out of context, and there's me thinking the days of people doing that had passed.

 

The deleted post had the mathematical proof that the answer is always a goat and Casablanca could never right, hence my apparent disconnected response - I knew I should have quoted it !

[Tony_S]

Someone has deleted a post, haven't you Colin M... so mine now looks out of context, and there's me thinking the days of people doing that had passed.

 

The deleted post had the mathematical proof that the answer is always a goat and Casablanca could never right, hence my apparent disconnected response - I knew I should have quoted it !

Perhaps he used one of those net nanny programs?

[brossard]

Phew, I'm relieved about that. I didn't think I was all that fond of goats.

 

John

[Colin_McLeod]

Someone has deleted a post, haven't you Colin M... so mine now looks out of context, and there's me thinking the days of people doing that had passed.

 

The deleted post had the mathematical proof that the answer is always a goat and Casablanca could never right, hence my apparent disconnected response - I knew I should have quoted it !

 

I don't know how it got deleted. It was in error - my apologies. Here is what it said.

 

 

 

Nah, it's rubbish. Mine came out as "Casablanca", a very overrated film in my opinion - there isn't a single attractive goat in it. OK, it got yours right, but maybe you have a touch of dyscalculia like I do?

 

I don't know how you got Cassablanca. The answer is always 9 no matter what number you pick

 

Book1.xls

Edited May 22, 2012 by Colin_McLeod

[kandc_au]

Phew, I'm relieved about that. I didn't think I was all that fond of goats.

 

John

 

Not fond of goats!!!!!

Lovely animals...friendly, affecionate etc

Even taste good.

 

K

[brossard]

I just don't like to form any emotional attachments to my dinner.

 

John

[kandc_au]

RAOFLMAO!!

 

Touche

 

Khris

[kandc_au]

You might enjoy this one .....

===============================

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at

him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

 

 

 

[Arthur]

In the Intensive Care Ward a wife sits by a bedside comforting her desperately sick husband. Struggling for life, his

eyes full of tears, he whispered, "You know what?

 

 

"You have been with me all through the bad times,

 

 

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

 

When my business failed, you were there.

 

 

When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my

side...

 

 

You know what Martha?"

 

 

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart

began to fill with warmth.

 

 

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[kandc_au]

How old is Grandpa???

 

Stay with this - the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

 

 

 



One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and things in general.

 

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

 

'television

 

' penicillin

 

'polio shots

 

'frozen foods

 

'Xerox

 

'contact lenses

 

'Frisbees and

 

' the pill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There wereno:

'credit cards

'laser beams or

 

'ball-point pens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man had not invented:

 

'pantyhose

 

'air conditioners

 

'dishwashers

 

'clothes dryers

 

'and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

 

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

 

 

 

 

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . Then lived together.

 

Every family had a father and a mother.

 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

 

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

 

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

 

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

 

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

 

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee was unheard of.

 

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

 

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

 

In my day:

 

'"grass" was mowed,

 

'"coke" was a cold drink,

 

'"pot" was something your mother cooked in and

 

'"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

 

'"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

 

'" chip" meant a piece of wood,

 

'"hardware" was found in a hardware store and

 

'"software" wasn't even a word.

 

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

 

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

 

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

 



 

 

Are you ready ?????

 



 

 

 



This man would be only 59 years old

[kandc_au]

The Prescription

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the

pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy

some cyanide.'

 

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide??' The lady

replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't

give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad

things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in

bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

'

[Tony_S]

On the previous version of RMweb the jokes thread was "New Jokes". Somehow it became New Forum Jokes on this one.

I think I preferred the old format.

[pitbull1845]

There's a new viagra pill out called 007.

It's supposed to make you Roger Moore..

[newbryford]

I swallowed a viagra tablet the other day and it got stuck in my throat.

 

Ever since then I've had a stiff neck.......

 

Cheers,

Mick

[QRModeller]

How do eskimos get dressed?

 

Very quickly!

 

 

Matt.

[Brush47337]

if you have seen one Out of Town Shopping Centre............... You have seen ....... 'em all.......!

 

[Guest Max Stafford]

NEWSFLASH! Anti-capitalist protestors from Cleator Moor have occupied engine sheds at Bromsgrove, Tebay and Beattock in what they describe as direct action against bankers...

 

Dave.

[kandc_au]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[steve1]

Pop Trivia for Today:

 

After the Beatles, Pete Best started doing entertainment at Old peoples homes.

 

But he was soon replaced by Bingo .

 

steve

[kandc_au]

No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting