Mike J Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I got a letter from Screwfix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Due to a water shortage in Ireland it has been announced that Dublin swimming pool will be closing lanes 7 & 8. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Bayford Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) Last week i completed a life long dream, I won as many Tour De France as Lance Armstrong. Edited August 30, 2012 by Tom Bayford 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 29, 2012 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 29, 2012 [pedantic mode] Tours de France [/pedantic mode]. There's only one France, many Tours 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave47549 Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) . Edited October 1, 2021 by Dave47549 Removed pointless guff 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Bayford Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 [pedantic mode] Tours de France [/pedantic mode]. There's only one France, many Tours Happy Now? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Last week i completed a life long dream, I won as many Tour De France as Lance Armstrong. Not a joke, but I'm still amazed that a doping agency has the power to strip a man of titles he was given 7 or more years ago by another body entirely, after they've hounded him so much that he's been driven to give up arguing with them. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Actually, I did hear an amusing little joke on the radio today, which I'll share: How do they start the races at the Jelly Olympics? On your marks, get set... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold beast66606 Posted August 31, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 31, 2012 Actually, I did hear an amusing little joke on the radio today, which I'll share: How do they start the races at the Jelly Olympics? On your marks, get set... How did they start the pudding race ? Say Go 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mod5 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Probably time to change this The New Forum Jokes Thread to The Forum New Jokes Thread 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 31, 2012 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 31, 2012 Probably time to change this The New Forum Jokes Thread to The Forum New Jokes Thread DONE 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 How did they start the pudding race ? Say Go And how did it finish? Abune them a', the haggis took its place. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JZ Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Probably time to change this The New Forum Jokes Thread to The Forum New Jokes Thread Just need some new jokes now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Just need some new jokes now. New jokes? You must be joking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timara Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Just rang the local drug automated helpline. 'If you are consuming marijuana, press the hash key' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Note all Gingers. Don't get a Brazilian, it'll look like a fish finger. steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhBBob Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Today I took some old clothes to Oxfam. They said they were pleased to have them back........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) From a Newspaper in NSW Aust Dave got a job working the signals on the western rail line near Blayney & after several days on the job a Country Link inspector turns up to see how he is going. "What would you do if you had two trains heading towards each other on the same line? He asks Dave. I'd put the lghts on red & stop them" Dave says. What if the lights were out of action says the inspector. "I'd fire flares" says Dave. "What if they're damp & won't work", says the inspector. "And now the trains are really close." Well, I'd rush out & get Mabel" says Dave. "What could she do?" says the inspector. "Nothing" says Dave , "But she's never seen a train crash before." Edited September 1, 2012 by kandc_au 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 (edited) Paddy's wife has never had an org**m so they go to the doctors. After a few tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft them with a towel during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no org**m, so his mate suggests a swap. "I'll have sex with her and you waft the towel". Paddy agrees and within seconds his wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best org**m ever. Paddy turns to his mate and slowly says... "And that, my old mucker, is how you waft a bloody towel!" edited due to the starred word not being allowed. Edited September 8, 2012 by Mike J 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 (edited) Don't suppose this will satisfy Mod5's criteria of "new" But.. Blondes ..Again! This blond decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes and how all blonds are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blonds really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said... You'll love this... I know you will... ----- ----- "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." Edited September 8, 2012 by DonB 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Russ (mines a pint) Posted September 9, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 9, 2012 try reading this: http://northernladsinlondon.wordpress.com/2012/09/05/aye-up-hello-and-welcom/ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said......................................... ************************ OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted September 10, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2012 Frank was the early shift customs officer on the American side of the bridge in Niagara Falls. Every weekday morning Mac would trundle his wheelbarrow with his shovel under a sheet over the bridge from Canada to the States. Frank would check the load for contraband and then, finding nothing, let Mac in. One day Frank says; "Mac, I know you've been smuggling something in for forty years. I'm retiring next week, but if you tell me what, I won't nick you." Mac replies, " Wheelbarrows." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 10, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 10, 2012 A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house." 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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