steve1 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 A man's wife buys him two ties for his birthday. The next day he takes one of the cupboard and puts it on. When he gets downstairs his wife takes one look at the tie and yells "What was wrong with the other one???" steve 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Not new, but doing the E-mail rounds at present:- On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words upon stepping to the moon’s surface, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were sent to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky". Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong would always just smile. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he responded. Mr. Gorsky had died so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. In 1938, as a kid in a Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in his neighbour's yard near their bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. Neil went to retrieve the ball. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky "Sex! you want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" True story. It broke the place up. 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 I think that one was debunked (on QI and elsewhere) some years ago. Snopes has a page on it here: http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp It's one of things you wish were true, but sadly, just because someone writes "true story" on something, this one isn't! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 But it made me smile! So here's some more to say " I've heard that before"..... Subj: 50 Shades Of Grey ? Pouf ! Fictional author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts... (feel free to insert "hobby" or "railway" at any mention of "Shed") I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. She stood before me, trembling and naked in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds. We stood alone on the idyllic white beach. She shed her clothes. I shed my inhibitions. At that moment I knew it would always be about sheds. We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof." "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. 'I need to be punished.' So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?" "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense." "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay. "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my next lesson. Never again would I leave a live upturned plug on the shed floor. 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted October 2, 2012 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted October 2, 2012 50 Shades of Grey - On line version 50 Shades of grey.doc 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted October 2, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 2, 2012 This elderly ribbon salesman goes in to one of his regular accounts and the guy tells him he doesn't need any more ribbon. The old man sighs and says, "Oh, Please," he desperately needs a sale. "Nope," the owner says. "Well, just a little order? How about as much from the tip of my nose to the tip of my ######?" The owner laughs and agrees. Two weeks later, a half-dozen HUGE delivery vans from the ribbon company pull up to his delivery entrance along with the invoices. So, he calls the salesman to ask what the hell... The salesman says, "You wanted enough ribbon to go from the tip of my nose to the tip of my ######, yes?" "Yeah?" says the owner. "Well," says the salesman, "the tip of MY ###### is back in Warsaw!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold colin penfold Posted October 3, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Do earthquake experts marry for richter or poorer? Do woodland people marry in sickness and in elf? Do people with stuff to sell second hand marry to love honour and Ebay? Do funeral directors marry for better or hearse? Do pancake makers marry for batter or sauce? Edited October 3, 2012 by colin penfold 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belsay Lad Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 My wife asked me to get her something silky for her birthday, but judging by her reaction I think the tin of emulsion was the wrong colour. steve I bought my wife something for her birthday that went from 0 to 70 in 2 seconds. Perhaps a set of bathroom scales wasn't the best idea!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pointstaken Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 The noble Duke of York, He had ten thousand men, His case comes up next Friday, and he could go down for 10 ! Dennis Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 12, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 12, 2012 ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife - Legal & General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your Partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone Different - Go Compare. Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than. Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex with a posh bird - Privileged. Sex with an OAP - Saga ! Sex with a transvestite -confused.com ! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 A water Bed in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed, but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying "Don't........!" Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed. It's in German, but that only makes it funnier. Watch for the last two ladies ! http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB-AU Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman smacks his forehead and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you! Today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.” 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 50 more shades You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep. Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events . My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........ Bloody mosquito! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
34theletterbetweenB&D Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX... An earlier slant on this was the artist who received a commission to create a new corporate crest to represent the merger of several insurance concerns. Come the great day of the unveiling for the assembled worthies and the press, the new Chairman's wife pulls aside the concealing curtain to reveal a shield, quartered; and in each quarter a couple making love (heterosexual, this dates from the 1950s when this was the only kind of sex in general circulation) the shield crested with a new born baby in a crown. "What!" yells the new chairman, and turning to the artist enquires exactly how this picture fills the brief. To which he replies: "The man entertained by a prostitute: Commercial Union The engaged couple: Future Assured The married couple: Fidelity The boss and his secretary: Employer's Benefit And crowning all: General Accident." Edited October 21, 2012 by 34theletterbetweenB&D 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB-AU Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, matey, we was in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding Spanish galleon and battling with swords. One of the scurvy dogs cut me hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Arrr," said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook." 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) A small Church had a very attractive, big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper Church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this, or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist, reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said .... Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will nothab a thermon tewday! Edited October 30, 2012 by Tom D 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold 96701 Posted October 31, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 31, 2012 A priest and a nun were returning from the church convention when their car broke down. They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only 1 motel in town and it only had 1 room available. So they had a problem. 'Sister ,' said the priest, 'I dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this 1 room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed,' 'I think that would be ok,' said the nun. They prepared 4 bed and each 1 took took their agreed place. 10 minutes later the sister said, 'Father, I'm terribly cold,' 'Ok,' said the priest, 'I'll get up n get you a blanket from the closet,' 10 minutes later the nun said, 'Father I'm still terribly cold,' 'OK sister,' said the priest, ' I'll get up n get you another blanket,' 10 minutes later , the nun said,'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,' ' You're probably right,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own stupid blanket,' 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penrhos1920 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife - Legal & General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your Partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone Different - Go Compare. Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than. Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex with a posh bird - Privileged. Sex with an OAP - Saga ! Sex with a transvestite -confused.com ! Sex therapy online, in a catalogue or at a branch near you - Screwfix 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted October 31, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 31, 2012 I've just had 'trick or treaters' call. They pushed some plasticine through my letterbox. I just don't know what to make of it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 got woke up by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night ! First is was afraid and i was petrified Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later... SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM : Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys! Edited October 31, 2012 by kandc_au 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Irish Railway The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan -------------------------------- Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company ----------------------------------- Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That..... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) A motorcycle policeman stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly starts a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the motorist for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ar#####le." Two months later they're in court. The defendant has a bad driving record with a heap of points on his licence, and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" The police officer replies, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir.” "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ar#####le?" “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.” How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client? Edited November 1, 2012 by DonB 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_Hughes Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Irish Railway The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan -------------------------------- Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company ----------------------------------- Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That..... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan. Um - the Book of David? Don't seem to remember that one... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Nor does there appear to be a business named "The Irish Railway Company". If you want people to take your jokes seriously, you really must check your facts! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now