The Forum Jokes Thread

[steve1]

Woman - I'm going out to scrape the car.

Man - Against what?

 

steve

[Sidecar Racer]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in

liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable

for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour

himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,

and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and

just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

[Sidecar Racer]

A seven year old and a five year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the seven year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

 

The five year old nods his head in approval, so the seven year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

 

'Ok' the five year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

 

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast.

 

'Oh, sh*t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

 

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

 

She looked at the five year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

 

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fu*king Coco Pops'

[Sidecar Racer]

[luckymucklebackit]

How does an Irishman use nicotine patches?

 

He puts one over each eye and then he cant find his cigarettes!!

 

JIm

[BoD]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in

liquid form.....

 

Yes, but be careful.

I left mine on my desk. Went for it in the dark and drank from the Tippex bottle instead.

Woke up the following morning with a huge correction.

[gazmanjack]

Yes indeed. Producing 300m litres per year, equal to about 13litres per head.

 

...and just not Tooheys product either. The Tooheys Brewery at Lidcombe in Sydney produce a lot of 'once imported' beer as well.

 

Cheers, Gary.

[kevinlms]

Yes indeed. Producing 300m litres per year, equal to about 13litres per head.

 

 

Um no. since the 300m is divided by the population of NSW, not Australia (7.238 million in 2010), that works out at 41 litres each.

 

Besides, you've got to do something while playing the pokies!

[shortliner]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

 

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

 

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

 

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

 

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

 

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

 

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

 

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

 

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

 

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it!"

[DonB]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and

would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and

a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a

couple of chickens and a goose.

 

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to

carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady

who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to

1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

 

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to

that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old

lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.Carry

the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose

in your other hand?'

 

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

 

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll

be there in no time..

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely

widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in

the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and

have your way with me?'

 

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of

paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold

you up against the wall and do that?'

 

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,

put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[peanuts]

apparently Marti Pelow has Artheritis

he feels it in his finger he feels it in his toes

[Guest]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by

those who got there first.

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish

and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12

people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Guest

[steve1]

I've got an aviary at home but one of the Birds of Prey will only exercise at night to '80's synth Pop

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Kestral manouvers in the Dark

[Penrhos1920]

PENGUINS I

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Well, wonder no more ! ! !

 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

 

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

Did you really believe that I knew anything about penguins?

 

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Penrhos1920

[Penrhos1920]

PENGUINS II

 

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

[jbqfc]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed

it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

 

...

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

 

Some old men can still think fast.

[DonB]

Suspect that this has been around for a while!

 

 

 

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.

 

 

 

 

 

SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP TROUBLE.

 

 

 

Just as I figured - battery not included!

Looking forward to seeing the assembly sheets.

 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2012 by DonB

[kandc_au]

Suspect that this has been around for a while!

 

 

 

 

http://mail.aol.com/...ewMail&partId=3

 

 

Pity about the link....might have been worth a laugh!

[jbqfc]

The Queen and David Cameron are on the same stage at the Diamond Jubilee celebrations in front of a huge crowd.

The Queen leans towards Mr Cameron and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not only be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this great day and rejoice!"

Cameron arrogantly replies, "I seriously doubt that Ma'am that with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"

So the Queen, with one swift wave, smacked him in the mouth.

[BoD]

I heard a similar story but it involved a movement of her knee rather than her hand.

 

It got a much better response from the crowd.

[gazmanjack]

Suspect that this has been around for a while!

 

 

 

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.

 

 

 

 

 

SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP TROUBLE.

 

 

 

Just as I figured - battery not included!

Looking forward to seeing the assembly sheets.

 

 

 

 

Atleast Ikea have started it for you... a couple of doors, the rear hatch and bonnet has already been placed !!

 

Does it come with an allen key ??

 

Cheers, Gary.

[kandc_au]

Atleast Ikea have started it for you... a couple of doors, the rear hatch and bonnet has already been placed !!

 

Does it come with an allen key ??

 

Cheers, Gary.

 

Well Comet models, Martin Finney and all the other kit manufacturers don't have to worry about me.....

I'm NOT going into the car kit building group :scratchhead:

[steve1]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment,

mouths wide open.

He turns and asks,

Anyone know who's phone this is?

 

steve

[newbryford]

It's Christmas Cracker joke time......

 

What's white and yellow and goes along a train track at 100mph?

 

 

 

The train drivers's egg sandwich.

 

Cheers,

Mick

[BR60103]

At one ladies' tea it was reported that the Pope had raised the urinals in the Vatican. He wanted to keep the Cardinals on their toes.

 

All the ladies laughed except one. She was asked if possibly she didn't know what a urinal was. "Oh, no, I'm not Catholic."