The Forum Jokes Thread

[Gopher]

My uncle Chuck was paying his first visit to the U.K. from Texas.

He was due to stay with me for a few days, and I agreed to pick him up from Heathrow airport.

I left Worcester in my car, and made the trip to Heathrow airport to pick him up.

I met him, and before we headed back to Worcester I thought I’d show him a bit of London, so we headed up the M4 for a sight- seeing tour.

We head through London and approach the Tower of London.  Uncle Chuck points at the Tower of London, and asks “What’s that over there boy”.  I tell him it is the Tower of London, started by William the Conqueror around 1078, and was expanded over the next 200 years.  “200 years” says Uncle Chuck, “why back in Texas we’d have built the whole thing in nine months”

We continue our tour.  “What’s’ that over there” says Uncle Chuck.  “That is Tower Bridge “I say.  “It is a lifting bridge to let ships through and was started in 1886, and took 8 years to build”.  “Sure is a clever bridge” says Uncle Chuck, “but 8 years, back in Texas we’d have built the whole thing in 3 months”.

We carry on our tour.  “What’s’ that over there” says Uncle Chuck.   “That is St Paul’s Cathedral” I say. “It was designed by Sir Christopher Wren, and took 10 years to design and 40 years to build”.  “Sure is a beautiful building”, says Uncle Chuck, but 40 years, back in Texas we’d have designed and built the whole thing in 6 months”.

After a long day, we head back to Worcester.

As we enter the city Uncle Chuck points at Worcester Cathedral and says “What’s that over there boy”?  “Dunno” I reply, “It was not there this morning”

[Allegheny1600]

Dark one this;

 

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle of the track, singing "21, 21, 21..."
After some time, the brunette hears the whistle of a coming train behind them. So, she steps off the track. However, the blonde is concentrating so deeply on the singing and skipping, she is oblivious to the danger behind her. She is struck by the train, and is killed instantly.
Once the train has passed, the brunette steps back onto the track. She resumes skipping down the track, and begins to sing again.
"22, 22, 22..."

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

[Baby Deltic]

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

[jcredfer]

23 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said:

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

 

I believe they are bound to an oath of silence............       Sorry, just an honest, old fashioned person's dream.....

 

Julian

 

[Ian J.]

14 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

 

I believe they are bound to an oath of silence............       Sorry, just an honest, old fashioned person's dream.....

 

Julian

 

 

I think the secret service will be uttering oaths in silence...

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Gopher]

MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

7. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

8 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone  would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

 

14 .. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Gibbo675]

46 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said:

Ha !

 

I did similar 34 years ago popping a wheelie on a mate's BMX, fortunately on that occasion I managed to pull it over my head and land on my feet.

 

Two weeks later, on the very same BMX, a plank that was rested upon a lorry tyre that was being used as a ramp snapped and I broke both wrists. Upon landing I also banged my head on the concrete, fortunately the concrete remained undamaged.

 

Happy days !

 

Gibbo.

[Baby Deltic]

6 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

Ha !

 

I did similar 34 years ago popping a wheelie on a mate's BMX, fortunately on that occasion I managed to pull it over my head and land on my feet.

 

Two weeks later, on the very same BMX, a plank that was rested upon a lorry tyre that was being used as a ramp snapped and I broke both wrists. Upon landing I also banged my head on the concrete, fortunately the concrete remained undamaged.

 

Happy days !

 

Gibbo.

I remember a similar occasion when we were cycling down Colchester High Street. My elder cousin had a Rayleigh Chopper with a small car battery fitted under the seat and a siren, spot lights and horns. He pulled a wheelie and lost his front wheel landing on his forks, over the handlebars. Much tinkling of broken glass and jeans being eaten by battery acid.

[peanuts]

I’ll never forget my grandfathers last words to me, “litres, gallons, pints”

..this spoke volumes.

[Baby Deltic]

[Gibbo675]

12 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said:

I remember a similar occasion when we were cycling down Colchester High Street. My elder cousin had a Rayleigh Chopper with a small car battery fitted under the seat and a siren, spot lights and horns. He pulled a wheelie and lost his front wheel landing on his forks, over the handlebars. Much tinkling of broken glass and jeans being eaten by battery acid.

I wouldn't trade any of it for computer games, not even the broken bones.