Tangoman69

Is the word exit on its way out?

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world, then Who is...

Her: "What does cyanide taste like?” Me: "No clue. Why?” Her: "No reason. Here, I made you some tea”

A farmer friend of mine came up with brilliant idea. He has crossed a spider with a chicken, so you get eight legs. I asked him how they tasted. He said, god knows, I haven't caught one yet!

Do people annoy you when they answer their own questions ? They do me.

James, Congratulations on the job You’ve also got a very understanding partner, it’s small things like that that make a relationship

A women is in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches. "How many peaches were in the tin ?" asked the judge. "Four",she replies. He tells her she'll serve one month for each peach. As she is being led away, her husband shouts from the gallery, "And, she stole a tin of peas !

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her arse. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Apple does it again! Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

At a Wedding Ceremony, the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The silence was broken by a beautiful young woman walking toward the front of the church, carrying a child in her arms. The atmosphere turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen wondered how to help save the situation. The priest asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward my dear..??? What do you have to say..?" The woman replied, "We can't hear nowt at the back."

I’ve been reading this thread for a while and I have finally decided to take the plunge about how I am at the moment. For a while I have been feeling a bit low, this coincides with, but not entirely due to, a move to the North East so my better half can be with her family after been away for around 30 years. A bit of background, I am in a well paid job that gives me the freedom to do what I want, in the way I want, as longs as targets get met and the client(s) are happy, and they are usually more than happy. My job can be based anywhere in the country, as long as I have an internet connection and a mobile nearby, hence the move to the North East. I am in London usually once a week, along with frequent trips to Manchester, Birmingham & Reading, all completed on the train, so my only commute is to Durham station and back. The travel really doesn’t phase me, I enjoy being sat on a train taking in inspiration for my modelling. It is a job I really enjoy, I am good at and is my escape, along with modelling, from the black dog. My problems come from the in-laws. My wife had a small disagreement with one of her sisters nearly a year ago, the outcome being that her other 2 sisters took the others side, without discussing my wife’s point of view, and so a truly biased relationship seems to be the norm. So without going into too much detail, we both wish we hadn’t moved from the North West to the North East, but C’est la vie, I’m not really in the best position with 4 years to retirement to move again. The reason we came up here seems to have gone and this is what is making both my wife & I have really poor mental health. So to my main release, my modelling, I’m on version 3 of Didantet, (Diane, Daniel & Collette (Tet) – Wife & kids), but it has taken 10 months to get where I am today, building my interchange, totally against all the advice of proving trackwork & wiring before scenery, but I just need to concentrate on something. I’ll keep plodding along, smiling, disappearing into my den to add a bit more here and there and dream that one day my Interchange that has a Northern theme (LNER & Northern trains, with Go Ahead Northern buses – with one from back home) will be complete. Reading other peoples issues on this thread indicate that I am not alone with my issues.

Absolutely fabulous! how long did it take you to build to that standard? Karl

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…. + Tourist: £8.00 + Broiled Missionary: £10.00 + Fried Explorer: £12.50 + Baked Conservative or Grilled Labour politician: £100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a high price for the Politicians?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all morning.”

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on..! You're a duck" ...! "I see your eyes are working OK," replies the duck. "And you can talk..!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please..?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a Plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you..? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything..!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it..?" "At the Circus," Says the barman. "The Circus..?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The Circus..?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent..?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in Caravans..?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle..?" persists the duck. "That's right..!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... "What the heck would they want with a Plasterer..??!"

I said to my mate, "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it so very hard to leave." He said, "Did you fall in love with the birth place of "The Beatles", the people and it's music, the culture, the beauty of the waterfront..?" I said, "No, I had my bloody car stolen."