Tangoman69

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

I just went for a cappuccino in Costa, The barista asked, "do you want sprinkles?" I said "yes please".........and now I'm stuck with her incontinent cat !!!!.... I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She’ll have a fit when she finds out!

I ve just bought a Blur alarm clock, it wakes me up when I want, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awoken by the dustmen.....

Been to a funeral today. I asked the man’s wife if I could say a word. She said “of course” I walked to the pulpit and simply said “Abundance” The wife put her hand on mine and said “Thanks. That means a lot”

If Christopher Walken married Avril Lavigne after she’d been wed to JRR Tolkien and Roald Dahl she’d be a Walken-Tolkien-Lavigne-Dahl

I really wanted to get fit, so I bought a push bike. I got half a mile down the road and it threw me off breaking my nose and gave me some nasty cuts and bruises. So I give up and went back to beer and burgers for a week. Then got back on the bike and same thing happened again. This went on for about 2 months I am starting to think it's just a vicious cycle.....

I used to date a woman who kept a taser in her handbag. She was a stunner.!!

When I was young we were so poor we sometimes only had bits of old rope to eat. I would often skip lunch...

A man stops at his favourite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a whisky and a beer. The man drank the whisky, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your whisky & beer?" The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"

You know when you're having a No 2, then suddenly realise that there is no loo roll, so you have to get up and do that waddle to get a new roll Well....... I'm nearly at Tesco!

Does anybody know if my continental quilt will still work after we’ve left Europe?

WhatsApp kept crashing on my iphone, so I downloaded something called 'The Bugs Bunny' to sort it out. It's a WhatsApp Doc....

To whoever stole my antidepressants. I hope you're happy now!

Just been into Asda and there's this misery on the check-out, face like a slapped bum and all the charisma of a half eaten baked potato. I only wanted a pint of milk and some biscuits, but had no change. "£1.03..", she barked. "Sorry, this is all I've got.." as I handed her a £20 note. "Arrr, haven't you got anything smaller?" "I don't really wanna count out £18.97 in change" "Would it help if I payed by debit card?" I said. "Suppose so," she bemoaned. I kept my cool and put my PIN in. "Cash back?", she asked. I couldn't resist it. "Yes please...£18.97"

Especially for all you lot from Yorkshire. I always keep a couple of empty bottles in my garden shed, it's incase I need a pee, and saves me going indoors. I uncovered a couple of bottles today, they must've been there for at least two years. I kid you not, not only did it look like Yorkshire Bitter, it also tasted like it......

I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour....

Had a cracking time on Saturday afternoon, If that was potentially the last outing for Blackgill it was a sad day, but the debutant South Pelaw has set a new standard for a model of the Tyne Dock - Consett line. Montage Field was a very atmospheric layout that kept me captivated for a while, well there were a few that managed that, Fencehouses and Northallerton to name a couple. Didn’t try the catering as we were of to Tynemouth for a birthday meal It was the best show I’ve been to for a long time, thanks for putting it on!

Tesco security is getting a bit harsh. I only knocked a box of chocolate bars off the top shelf and I’ve now got a bounty on my head.

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind. "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons. "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on." The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

BREAKING NEWS: Police arrest 4 suspects on the run from a high security prison since 1972.

It's been hard to get over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, And that's what it's all about!! When the Pope toured Northern Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down He replied..... "It's not the same since Carol Vorderman left!"