Tangoman69

My girlfriend has started using wireless bras. It’s tricky enough as it is, now I need a password!

Tried to get rid of all my Sandie Shaw memorabilia, but there's always something there to remind me...

Just found out I’ve failed my German exam, Sacre Bleu!

To the person who stole my Blondie album. One way or another, I’m gonna find you

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds? In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

Told my boss I wouldn't be coming into work as I had been told to take it easy. He asked, "Who told you that, your doctor?" "No," I said, "The Eagles".

I’ve just been found guilty in court of being extremely vain. I’m appealing!

Thought of the day.... If the only noise you can make is "Moo".... You deserve to be in a sandwich!

Just got back from the doctor, she told me that It looked like I’m not eating properly I said "How can you tell?" She said "You've got a full English breakfast hanging out of your ear."

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!! Inbox me if you have any questions. I have everything listed below... zimmer frames, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walking stick/canes, disposable diapers etc etc. What was your dirty mind thinking?

Horse I left in 1997 after 5 years in Scotland, doubt I’d get a permit to,visit again so soon!

Sad news.. The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic. Paramedics said he could have done with another coat....

I went for a run this morning but had to come back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something..... I forgot how unfit I am and that I can't run for longer than 2 minutes....

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a shipwreck . "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." "Now we eat everybody." "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “It’s his window cleaning round!”

My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him... But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.

Great show, great location and friendly, informative operators

A scientific study revealed menstruation effects what females find attractive in men. Women ovulating find men with rugged masculine features most attractive. Whereas women menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors in his eyes and an axe in his skull.

The Proclaimers lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with. They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower.