Baby Deltic Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 1 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted May 19, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 19, 2020 Here's a well known old song.... "Un-forgettable, that's.............." 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 Hi All. From several years ago - Why was "Virgin"such a bad name for a train company? Because it sounded like they were hard to get to go all the way Best wishes Cam 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 14 minutes ago, CameronL said: Hi All. From several years ago - Why was "Virgin"such a bad name for a train company? Because it sounded like they were hard to get to go all the way Best wishes Cam An all these years I thought it was because they didn’t give a f**k. 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 I know he's not really liked much now, but he did come out with some good stuff. 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted May 20, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 20, 2020 15 hours ago, Jamiel said: They say that having no sense of taste is a sign of Corvid-19, and then they say they want to re-start the football season provided the players are free from symptoms. Since when has any football player ever had a sense of taste? Look at those mansions they build full of gaudy rubbish? Frankly I can’t ever see football starting again! We can but hope... 1 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 8 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gopher Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 3 3 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted May 20, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 20, 2020 17 hours ago, AndrewC said: An all these years I thought it was because they didn’t give a f**k. I heard it was because they'd never taken anyone anywhere! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Gopher said: Too much truth in that one to be funny ! 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person, to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket, because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? 3 2 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul H Vigor Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 On 30/10/2009 at 18:12, shortliner said: The next pandemic I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick. Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. Cheers! NOTE If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling. "The words of the prophets Are written on the subway walls And tenement halls" - and RMweb? 3 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Marriage is like a deck of cards in the beginning all you will need is two hearts & a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club & spade. Jim 2 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gopher Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 This was doing the rounds a few years ago, around the time of the financial crisis. SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The state takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A SPANISH CORPORATION You have 2 cows but owe Santander for 6. Nobody drinks milk. You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro A GREEK CORPORATION You lease 2 cows and pay somebody 3 times the going rate to milk them using borrowed money. You refinance the 4 cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs. They sell the future milk production of the 60 cows and fund your lifestyle. You retire to anywhere that doesn’t use the Euro. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the cr_ap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION You don't have any cows. But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour 9 3 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 just been mugged by six dwarfs !! not happy ! 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted May 20, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 20, 2020 On 19/05/2020 at 10:22, Baby Deltic said: This almost had me in stitches. 9 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted May 20, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 20, 2020 10 hours ago, Baby Deltic said: More like ready to hit the bridges... 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted May 20, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 20, 2020 10 hours ago, Baby Deltic said: Ground floor:- Non-smokers First Floor:- 20 a day Second floor:- Cigars Third floor:- Pipe smokers Top floor:- Bagpipe players 1 1 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baby Deltic Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, J. S. Bach said: This almost had me in stitches. You see, you had it all sewn up! 3 1 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geevor Clayton Loco Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 I named my dog 'Five miles' so I could say I walked five miles every day. Yesterday my neighbour told me he ran over five miles 0_o 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geevor Clayton Loco Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 On 18/05/2020 at 12:24, kevinlms said: You forgot to sand the print lines off the groan button! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Baby Deltic said: Someone has been watching Harry Potter.... I actually saw the Knight Bus and didn't even notice there was something wrong with it. Not my picture and can't find copyright Edited May 20, 2020 by Steamport Southport 3 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted May 20, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 20, 2020 Quiz show fails . UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name? Contestant: Goosey, Goosey? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway. Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay. Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Anne Robinson: Wh...? Contestant (interrupting): Pass! Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen. Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...? Contestant: (long pause) Joe? Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral? Contestant: Geronimo! NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? Contestant: William Shakespeare. Presenter: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Presenter: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er... Mexico? RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2 Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube? Contestant: India. Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway? Contestant: Espresso. Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney. Contestant: Sydney. THIS MORNING Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false? Contestant: True? Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that. BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons? Contestant: Four BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er... Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor... Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run... Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I... Contestant: Walked? DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. 4 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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