Is it just me?

[The Johnster]

The universe has decreed that Johnster SHALL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES enjoy his relationships with his garden hoses.  I mean, I don't ask for much out of life, just a hose that works and doesn't make my life wet and irritable, but, apparently, no, that's too much to expect grumble mumble grumble mutter...

 

First, it was the ordinary type of garden hose, you know, the ones that coil up but are so stiff and inflexible that they cannot be straightend out so you have to buy them twice as long as the furthest distance you wil ever need from the tap, the ones that knock everything over within a fifty foot radius if you try to move them, the ones that get caught on everything and anything no matter how much you try to keep them clear, the ones that get into knots and pinches, the ones that refuse to coil back up again, and that generally seem disposed to making your life a misery?  I always had trouble with those leaking. 

 

So, a while ago, when those stretchable ones, that collapse down to a fraction of their size when the pressure is relieved and are so much easier to get out, put away, and handle in general, appeared, I was delighted.  Here is the answer to my hose issues, I thought, twice as expensive but three times as good, got to be worth it.  So I bought one, and was happy with it.  

 

For a while... 

 

To be fair, they are not designed to be frozen, and I was caught out while I was on a weekend away, but the hose was empty, so it should have been ok, right?  Wrong, next time I used it I connected to the tap and turned the tap, and there was a sort of 'phfffft' noise and water springing out of it everywhere.  Now, anyone who has one of these hoses will know that, once it it pressured up to it's full size, it takes a few seconds for the pressure to dissapate, so I had about half a minute of panicking, turning off the trap to no avail, and watching everything get wet, including the bathroom because there is no outside tap and I use the bathroom sink and run the hose out the window.

 

Collapsible hoses 1, Johnster 0.

 

But I bought another one, and checked the forecast before I went away for weekends, and emptied it every time I'd finished using it; I'm proof against disaster now, aren't I?  Wrong.  To be fair you are warned against using them with hot water, but this wasn't hot water, it was luke-warm at best.  It was connected to the kitchen tap at the time, which is a mixer, and The Squeeze turned the heating on while I was outside because the hose was running through the open door, resulting in some warm water mixing with the cold.  Phfffft.  B*gger.

 

Collapsible hoses 2, Johnster 0.

 

But I'm progressing along the collapsible hose learning curve, and now know not only to keep them warm, but to keep them cool at the same time.  Nothing can possibly go wrong with number three, can it?  Wrong.  Number three was shorter than the others in a foolhardy attempt to save some pennies by buying it in a sale clearance bin.  So I'm trying to water the plants in the far corner of the patio, and pulled it a little, just a little.  Phfffft, a noise I'm now getting used to. 

 

Collapsible hoses 3, Johnster 0.

 

So I gave up and went back to using the old fashioned type, which of course perished and leaked.  So, two weeks ago, I relented and bought another collapsible, I mean, come on, I know everything that can possibly go amiss with them now, what can possibly go wrong, right?  Wrong.  I was using it in the living room at lunchtime to give the indoor plants a drink and top up the fish tanks (they lose a good bit to evaporation in this sort of weather), when the end came off.  From a calm and completely relaxed and controlled situation  I am suddenly having to deal with a demented snake thrashing around my flat squirting water everywhere at high pressure, with The Squeeze screaming at me to stop it by turning off the tap; a situation of high comedy in hindsight but it is difficult to explain to someone who doesn't speak English as a first language and who is losing it that turning the tap off won't stop the water until the hose empties itself, which takes about thirty seconds; the sensible think was to grab the snake (not as easy as it is to write about) and shove it down the toilet, then turn the tap off. 

 

'You no check that gun nozzle on was poperly, do you?', she said, and she was right, I hadn't.  I will leave it to your own understanding of the situation to guess how much that improved my mood...  'Don't shout at snake, is no snake fault, your fault', oh, yes, that's going to cheer me up, isn't it?  Thanks for that, love, oh, look, you're all wet, what a shame...

 

So I tried again, this time checking that the gun nozzle on was properly (she's got me doing it, now).  All was fitted, clipped in, and securely home, but luckily I'd had the sense to stay in the bathroom, and tried it over the toilet bowl.  Sure enough, off comes the gun nozzle again and psycho Hissing Sid makes his unwelcome return!  Tried other attachments, but the problem is with the connector at the end of the hose, not the gun nozzle or any other attachment, as they all come off and, oh look, it's Hissing bloody Sid again!

 

Collapsible hose 4, Johnster 0. 

 

Game over, that's it, I've had enough, I'll do everything the hard way from now on, with watering cans or jugs or buckets.  I know when I'm beaten, or actually, I don't, or I'd have given up three hoses ago.  You buy something to make your life easier and it makes your life harder, four times, WELL NO MORE, THE WORM HAS TURNED, you can shove Hissing Sid where the sun don' shine, I'll use pre-hose technology and spill it like a normal idiot in future, and moan and curse at it, that'll show 'em, serves 'em right, mumble grumble mutter grumble...

 

Actually, it can still be used without attachments, for filling buckets and such, so I won't chuck it just yet.  But I have most definitely fallen out of love with it!  Bad snake, naughty snake, sit in your broken bucket that I haven't thrown out because it's useful for keepin snakes in, and don't come out until you're sorry, or you'll be sorry!

 

I invite similar tales of woe, which might serve to cheer me up a bit, since they will be about somebody else!

[pH]

Stay away from collapsible hoses!!! (But you’ve worked that out for yourself already, haven’t you?) We gave up after two attempts with them. We now use rubber hoses, one for the back yard and one for the front. We’ve got a retired plastic one that we’ve not got round to throwing out yet, if you want to try that 😛. There’s some thought of making multiple holes in it and using it as a soaker hose, but I somehow feel that won’t happen.

[The Johnster]

Thanks but no thanks, pH.  I have enough experience already of soaker hoses, got soaked by one earlier.  No more hoses for The Johnster, and Hissing Sid is demoted to bucket filling.

 

16 minutes ago, pH said:

We gave up after two attempts with them.

 

Not just me, then, so I can't take it personally, they get everyone!

[tomparryharry]

Cold hoses? Collapsible hoses?

 

With collapsible, ensure the both ends are disconnected, even the sprayer valve, etc. This allows any retained pressure to escape. 

 

Plastic or cold hoses. Put some warm water down the pipe before you use it. When you finish it, make sure they're drained, as per the collapsible ones.

[Hroth]

Hoses?

Hoses are easy, just be glad you don't "need" a pressure washer!

 

And they still need a hose to connect to the cold water supply...

 

[F-UnitMad]

Thankyou Sir Johnster for a wonderfully entertaining early morning read!! 🤣🤣

It was always getting better, but then you reveal the bit about using a hosepipe in the living room... pure Monty Python at it's best!! 👍👍🥳

You invite similar tales, I'm not sure anyone's going to be able to match it, sorry!!! 

At least with the hot weather you will dry out quickly... 😉😂

[Enterprisingwestern]

 

Johnster my friend, you know what your problem is?, your expectations are far too high. You're starting off with the premise that the hose, or any other item you come across in life for that matter, is going to be capable of carrying out the job it was designed for in a satisfactory manner and life ain't like that!

 

Mike.

[kevinlms]

Never heard of an expandable hose before and from your description, I think I'll stay uninformed.

 

But any hose fitting, if it's allowed to get warmish, it will lose it's 'holding power'. I'm talking of the connectors here, that pinch down on the hose. If age has allowed the hose to go brittle or excessive heat has made the section of hose go soft - then either of these opposing conditions, mean WATCHOUT, IT'S ABOUT TO GIVE WAY (sorry for shouting, but it deserves it) and ignore at your peril - yes I know you know that part, Johnster.

 

The other thing to watch out for, is on the nozzle or anything you plug in. MAKE SURE the 'O' ring is not cracked or it will give way and pop out. The tip is to buy some suitable 'O' rings, then you will be ready to replace them, except the packet will have gone AWOL!

 

Something that was recommended by one of those professional gardener TV shows, was that if you have a long length of hoses to join, DO NOT use a simple joiner, but a double ended connector (which has 3 pieces like this) https://www.bunnings.com.au/holman-12mm-double-ended-hose-connector_p3130593

 

Which means the 2 sections of hose don't kink up, but they rotate in the joiner.

[Nick C]

3 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

Johnster my friend, you know what your problem is?, your expectations are far too high. You're starting off with the premise that the hose, or any other item you come across in life for that matter, is going to be capable of carrying out the job it was designed for in a satisfactory manner and life ain't like that!

 

Mike.

Nonsense. It is carrying out it's intended purpose admirably. You think it is designed to transport water from one end ot the other, but in actual fact it's real intention is to transport water to everywhere except where you actually want it...

 

It's the same with toasters. Their designers put a great deal of effort into making sure that, whichever setting you use, the bread will come out either still bread, or burnt to a cinder, and never actually toasted. We have one produed by a really skilled toaster designer, in that it will do either state at random in the same setting...

[Steamport Southport]

Why do you need a garden hose in Wales?

 

Isn't it wet enough?!

 

 

 

[The Johnster]

3 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

Johnster my friend, you know what your problem is?, your expectations are far too high. You're starting off with the premise that the hose, or any other item you come across in life for that matter, is going to be capable of carrying out the job it was designed for in a satisfactory manner and life ain't like that!

 

Mike.

You have it in a nutshell, Mike; you’d think I’d know better at my age, but I don’t.  Gullible’s Travails…

[MPR]

My garden hose pipe works perfectly. It is wound onto a drum for storage and has lasted for many years.

Unfortunately, I am not allowed to plug it in due to water shortages here in Devon.

Edited September 11, 2023 by MPR

[BMS]

Collapsible hoses only really work at the minimum length; if you use them at less than full pressure they contract - you can only use them at the max length with high pressure which is usually not what you want. 

And they like thorns etc even less than ordinary hoses. (Amazon have a number of repair kits!)

[Enterprisingwestern]

55 minutes ago, MPR said:

My garden hose pipe works perfectly. It is wound onto a drum for storage and has lasted for many years.

Unfortunately, I am not allowed to plug it in due to water shortages here in Devon.

 

Use your initiative man, buy a couple more and plug them in in Cornwall!

 

Mike.

[MPR]

1 minute ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

Use your initiative man, buy a couple more and plug them in in Cornwall!

 

Mike.

Couldn’t get the wayleaves sorted to cross the Royal Albert Bridge now that CK has retired!

[J. S. Bach]

My plain old plastic hose is about seven years old and still going strong. I leave it strung out on the ground all year, never had a problem (must be the pleasant climate here in SC); well, not even when I parked the car on one loop of it. Worked fine again once I backed the tire off of it!

[Edwin_m]

We have a hose that lives coiled up in a special container fixed to the wall, and can be pulled out by hand and retracted by a spring.  The brake is somewhat dodgy so it occasionally winds itself up on a whim, but is otherwise hassle-free.

[kevinlms]

1 hour ago, J. S. Bach said:

 Worked fine again once I backed the tire off of it!

Yes, jacking up the car works well when you do that!

 

🫢

[Hroth]

3 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Why do you need a garden hose in Wales?

 

Isn't it wet enough?!

 

 

 

 

Thats fightin' talk......

 

 

It doesn't always rain there!

 

Edited September 11, 2023 by Hroth

[kevinlms]

9 minutes ago, Edwin_m said:

We have a hose that lives coiled up in a special container fixed to the wall, and can be pulled out by hand and retracted by a spring.  The brake is somewhat dodgy so it occasionally winds itself up on a whim, but is otherwise hassle-free.

Or it won't go back when you want it too!

 

I have such a beast given to me by a friend. I've had it a couple of years, one day I'll get a round tuit and put it on the wall! Can't rush these things.

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

After half a lifetime of hoses various that kinked, split, developed sets and twists or perished, on the recommendation of a working gardener we went for Hozelock ultralight half inch (bright yellow).

 

Impeccable so far, has been accidentally frozen solid when full of water in an unexpected cold snap, last summer in particular regularly produced near boiling water when carelessly left exposed to the solar rays, still completely trouble free. I would tell you how old, but the receipt has long gone, it is over seven years as the freezing was October 2017 .

 

There is a downside. Now the hose comfortably outlasts the plastic fittings. Thus whereas the fittings typically revealed their deterioration when the hose they were on failed, and the decision was made to replace with the new hose purchase, now you have sudden surprises when one 'lets go'. At least we inherited some of late FiL's old cast brass fittings...

 

[Talltim]

3 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Why do you need a garden hose in Wales?

 

Isn't it wet enough?!

 

 

 

Not indoors, apparently

[J. S. Bach]

1 hour ago, kevinlms said:

Yes, jacking up the car works well when you do that!

 

🫢

Saves gas petrol, too! 😉

[Nick C]

1 hour ago, Hroth said:

 

Thats fightin' talk......

 

 

It doesn't always rain there!

 

That's true - I once went to South Wales and it didn't rain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was snowing instead.

[DaveF]

I too from time to time use a yellow Hozelock hose on a reel, I've had it a long time, it works well.  I did have an expanding hose, it burst, separating itself into two almost equal length halves.

 

I do have two more expanding ones which were freebies with other purchases.  They are still in their boxes.

 

Most of the time I just use a watering can as my garden is not too big and I only water newly planted things, tubs and the greenhouse plants.

 

David