The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

mate of mine is an undertaker he says the last thing he does with a body is tie there shoe laces together 

 

 he knows he shouldnt 

 

 but come the zombie apocalypse it will be hilarious  !

[andytrains]

Fred went for a job interview as a signalman on the railways.

At the job interview the Inspector asked him, What would you do if you saw two trains heading towards each other on the same track?

Fred said, I would put all the signals to danger.

The Inspector then asked, What if they are going too fast?

Fred said, I would change the points for one of them.

What if the point lever broke, asked the inspector.

Fred said, I would rush down the signal box steps and wave a red flag at the trains.

What if it blew away in the wind, asked the inspector.

Fred said, I would run into the signal box and phone the next signal box.

The Inspector asked, What if the phone was engaged.

Fred then said in frustration, Well, in that case, I would dash out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing.

The Inspector then said, What would you do if  the phone had been vandalized.

Fred retorted, Oh well, then, I would run into the village and get my uncle Harry.

The puzzled Inspector then asked Fred, Why?

Because he’s never seen a train crash!!!

[tomparryharry]

Two Valley lads have a 'session' in Cardiff. So good, that they miss the last train home.

 

"No worry", says the first one, "the bus station is around the corner, we'll find a bus, see".

 

"Can you drive a bus?" Says the second one.

 

"Well Aye! I've seen that Reg Varney doin' it, must be easy....."

 

Our 2 Lotharios get to the bus station....

 

"I'll find a bus", says the first one, and disappears into the dark garage...

 

Much crashing & banging, grinding gears & 20 minutes, he drives a bus out of the garage. "Hop on Butty!"

 

"Why did you take so long?" Asks the second.

 

"Them bu**ers left the Tonypandy bus at the back....."

[andytrains]

[peanuts]

What are the two most common elements in scotland ?

 

copper and gold 

 

 known on the periodic scale as  "ceee yoou" and "ayyyyyyyyyyye you " 

 

 i know il get my coat 

[Two_sugars]

What are the two most common elements in scotland ?

 

copper and gold 

 

 known on the periodic scale as  "ceee yoou" and "ayyyyyyyyyyye you " 

 

 i know il get my coat 

AYE ! ! ! And tak thee dog with ya ! ! ! ! !

[peanuts]

A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?

Jeweller: Do you want it 18 carat?

Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft beggar

[lightengine]

Old joke I first heard in the late 70's.

 

Whats the difference between Frank Sinatra and Walt Disney?

 

Frank Sinatra sings but Walt disnae.

[andytrains]

A Police Officer tries to stop a car for speeding and the driver of the car speeds until he's going over 100 mph.

The driver eventually realizes he cannot outrun the Police car so he pulls over.

The Officer goes to the car and says, Look driver it's been a long day and my shift is nearly over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your speeding, I will let you off. 

The driver thinks for a few seconds and then says, My wife ran away with a Police Officer last week and I thought you might be him trying to give her back!

[lightengine]

There is always the good old, what is the difference between a wife and a terrorist?

 

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

A boy asks his Dad where he came from. 

 

Dad says; It's like this son. I was on this here computer, and met your mother in a chat room. We got on so well we set up a date and met at a cybercafe. That went well too, and before long we were looking for quiet places to google each other. Eventually she agreed to try a download from my hard drive. That was nice, except she hadn't ever thought about a firewall, and by the time she remembered the delete option had timed out. Nine months later this pop up notifier appeared.

 

 

 

 

 

You've got male.

[RhBBob]

She: if you were widowed, would you marry again ?

 

He: probably, yes

 

She: would you let her wear my clothes ?

 

He: well, probably, yes

 

She: would you let her use my golf clubs ?

 

He:...err...she's left-handed

[RhBBob]

The old lady lived alone with just her parrot for company. Despite many years spent trying to teach the bird to speak, all the parrot would say was ‘Who is it?’ in a similar tone to that of its owner.

 

One morning the old lady went out, completely forgetting that the plumber was coming round. The plumber duly arrived and knocked on her door. The parrot asked ‘Who is it?’ The tradesman replied ‘It’s the plumber’.

 

Again the voice within asked ‘Who is it?’ The plumber replied in a somewhat louder voice ‘It’s the plumber’.

 

Each time the parrot asked again, the plumber replied in an every-increasing angry tone until eventually the exhausted plumber collapsed on the door-step.

 

Soon the old lady returned and seeing the man collapsed on her door-step cried out ‘Who is it?’

 

From within the house a voice replied ‘It’s the plumber’.

[andytrains]

How do you kill a circus clown. 

Go for the juggler. 

Edited December 18, 2013 by andytrains

[andytrains]

Seasonal one.

A small boy writes to Father Christmas and asks, 'Please send me a sister.'

Father Christmas wrote back to him, ' Yes, but you will have to send me your mother.'

[Colin_McLeod]

The mother explained to the boy that there was not enought time left to make a sister before Christmas, to which he replied "Then put more men on the job".

[andytrains]

Speaks for itself!

[Friar Tuck]

Fred walks into a pub and sees a man at the bar wildly drinking, womanising, swearing, telling dirty jokes and generally having a good time.

 

'Scuse me, Fred says - you look awfully like the vicar from the next town. I'm sure I saw you doing a funeral there last Friday?

 

Not me, the man says - that was my altar ego.

[Tom D]

After everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for those who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
 The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[Colin]

A man had two pet monkeys and decided that he'd like a couple of nice photos of them, so he went to a specialist pet photographer.

 

"No problem", said the photographer. "Will you want them mounted?"

 

"No thanks", replied the man. "There's no need for that. Just sitting side by side will do."

[Coombe Barton]

The new White Christmas cast list:

 

Emma Drimming

Arthur White

Chris Moss

Jess Lyke-Dee

Juan Sai

Hugh Sterno

Wendy Trittops-Glissen

Anne Childern

Liz-Anne

"Two Ears" Laybelle

Cindy Snow

Hymer Drimming

Arthur Whyte

Chris Moss-Withe

Avery Criss

Miss Carr

Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby

Mary Ann Bright

Anne-May Hall

Urich Rhys

Mrs B White

 

(Just read it out loud)

Edited December 20, 2013 by Coombe Barton

[pointstaken]

Couple of ancient ones -

 

Nut screws washers bolts (supply your own punctuation (purloined from another forum))

 

Secretary to Boss - "Sorry Mr Smith but I've found a new position"

Boss - "Shut the door then and we'll try it out"

 

Dennis

[tomparryharry]

A man breaks down on the motorway. He is driving a Reliant Robin.

 

Lucky for him, his mate pulls up, and he's driving a BMW 7 series. "No problem, I'll give you a tow..."

 

They set off, at a sedate speed. After about a mile, a Jaguar XK8 passes the pair, and the Jaguar driver makes a rude gesture to the BMW driver, Forgetting the Reliant Robin, the race is on....

 

Mile after mile, the BMW chased the Jag, and they passed a police motorway patrol.

 

"Look at that pair of silly beggars", said one officer...

 

"Forget them" said the second. " Look at the Reliant Robin. He's flashing his lights, and beeping his horn. He's trying to get past both of them....."

[pH]

A man breaks down on the motorway. He is driving a Reliant Robin.

 

Lucky for him, his mate pulls up, and he's driving a BMW 7 series. "No problem, I'll give you a tow..."

 

They set off, at a sedate speed. After about a mile, a Jaguar XK8 passes the pair, and the Jaguar driver makes a rude gesture to the BMW driver, Forgetting the Reliant Robin, the race is on....

 

Mile after mile, the BMW chased the Jag, and they passed a police motorway patrol.

 

"Look at that pair of silly beggars", said one officer...

 

"Forget them" said the second. " Look at the Reliant Robin. He's flashing his lights, and beeping his horn. He's trying to get past both of them....."

 

 

The Bubble Car Song -

 

Edited December 20, 2013 by pH

[shortliner]

A Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub, 

 

He  turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’   '

She replied,  'Awe Jock that's  nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?  '

'Nay,’ Jock replied  ‘I'm switching the  heating off while I'm  out.'