The Forum Jokes Thread

[shortliner]

 

You're not Tim Vine are you ? ? ? ?

 

I try very hard NOT to be!

[bluebottle]

I started work as a eunuch in a harem, but I wasn't cut out for the job.

[coachmann]

Wheel oil beef hooked.

 

Or how to speak Irish....

[skipepsi]

Or whale.......

[steve1]

 

Now, Mr Beiber, if could I just have your address...

 

steve

[Two_sugars]

That's aboot right ! ! ! ! ! !

[Coombe Barton]

What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife?

 

 

Prostitute:  "Faster! Faster!"

 

Mistress: "Slower! Slower!"

 

Wife: "Yellow!"

 

 

"I think we'll paint the ceiling yellow."

[peanuts]

The Pope was visiting Liverpool, getting bored of driving up and down hope street in his popemobile he decides to take a walk along Otterspool Prom and contemplate his next sermon and what to put in it.

At that moment he spots what’s clearly a Kopite bobbing up and down in the River waving for help, helpless the Pope watched as a black fin broke the surface and started to home in on the Kopite!

From out of no where a speedboat appeared, crewed by two handsome Evertonians, one stood up and holding a spear gun shot the shark and dragged it along side the boat before clubbing the Shark to death, the other helped the sodden Kopite aboard their Craft.

The Pope seeing this, is amazed and waves the two Heroes to the shore. As they tie up along side the shore the Pope speaks..

“since I came to this City Ive heard nothing but division, division on politics, division on religion, division on football, division on race and yet, the compassion and thought you have shown to your fellow man has me dumbstruck”

With that he blessed the two lovely lads and wished them well.

As he set off in his Popemobile, one of the lads turned to his mate..
“who was that?”

“don’t you know?” replied his friend, “that was the Pope, top boy, he is in direct chat with the big fellah up stairs”

“oh!” stated his friend “tell you what, lad, he might be a top bloke but he knows all about shark fishing”

[shortliner]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dog’s here," and they both walked towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers: "What part did you get?"

[shortliner]

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

 

He gets her name, address etc.

 

And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

 

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

 

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

 

"Poultry Farmer it is."

[shortliner]

Stunt pilot?

 

A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

 

"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

 

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

[shortliner]

And the boss thought he'd heard every excuse!!!! Here is a new one!!!

 

 

Reason for a woman's absence from work on Monday

"My husband accidentally took an overdose of Viagra, and I couldn't leave him with the maid!"

[marc smith]

If a man speaks in a forest,
and there is no woman around to hear him talk.....

.... is he still wrong?

[Enterprisingwestern]

If a man speaks in a forest,

and there is no woman around to hear him talk.....

 

.... is he still wrong?

 

Irrefutably and undoubtebly.

 

Mike.

[bluebottle]

If a man speaks in a forest,

and there is no woman around to hear him talk.....

 

.... is he still wrong?

 

Your question employs a false premise.

In fact, God is female.

And yes, the man is still wrong.

[tomparryharry]

Manchester United are in Europe next year....

 

David Moyes will write the song himself....

[Steve K]

On the footballing theme...

 

There was bad news this week for West Ham when the team bus broke down. Fortunately, it was only a flat battery, and the AA man says it'll be ready to play in defence against Swansea at the weekend.

[gordon s]

One I posted in ER's that made me chuckle….

 

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and
heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
 
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the
bar that reads:
 
COLD BEER: £3.00
HAMBURGER: £5.00
CHEESEBURGER: £6.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £4.50
HAND JOB: £150.00
 
 
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
 
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady,
are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I
sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well
then, be sure to wash your hands really well, because I want a
cheeseburger."

[black5f]

THREE DOGS AT THE VET 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything….. the sofa, the curtains, the carpet, the cat, the kids. But the final  straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down a bit."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it, just can't stop. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners'  couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab enquired. 

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump absolutely anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, a leg,  whatever. I just want to hump everything I see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, eh ?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !"

[ady77014]

Thanks for that joke reminds me of something horrible. When I told my freind my Dukedog turned up, he text me a picture he found when googled 'dukedog'... ... only after my eyes burned out did he say he added 'xxx' on the end of it.

[Mike J]

Breaking news...last minute deals in the football transfer window.

Aston Villa have signed David Villa,

Valencia have made a bid for Antonio Valencia,

Rangers have picked up Nile Ranger

...and Spurs have signed Danny Shittu!

[colin penfold]

Chap got fired from the Samaritans when they listened to this call:

 

Hello, this is the Samaritans, how can I help?

 

Im going to kill myself

 

Don't do that, let me help.

 

I'm lying on the railway waiting for a train to run me over. I'm hanging up now.

 

Caller, stay on the line....

[andytrains]

The police stops a car over and says to the driver: "Sir, do you realise your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

The driver replies, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[raymw]

quotes from training manuals

 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
 
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual
 
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
 
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
 
'Tracers work both ways.' - Army Ordnance Manual
 
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
 
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. - Basic Flight Training Manual
 
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Naval Ops Manual
 
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Infantry Recruit
 
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' - Infantry Journal
 
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops
 
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
 
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' - Unknown Author
 
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot
 
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' - Multi-Engine Training Manual
 
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.' - Unknown Author
 
'If you hear me yell"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.' - Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot
 
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' - Sign over Control Tower Door
 
'Never trade luck for skill.' - Author Unknown
 
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!' - Authors Unknown
 
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' - Basic Flight Training Manual
 
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding you or doing anything about your problem.' - Emergency Checklist
 
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
 
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
 
*************************************************
 
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
 
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
 
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

 

 

[andytrains]

What do train sets and bosoms have in common?

They are both intended for children, but its the men who end up playing with them.