The Forum Jokes Thread

[EHertsGER]

Anarchy in the UK?

 

"Would you like some more tea?"

 

"No!"

[PGC]

Somebody really should shut that door!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Edited August 5, 2014 by PGC

[EHertsGER]

Somebody really should shut that door!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Wheres the F.jpg

Where is Everard when you need him....??

[Horsetan]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go p*ss, bitch."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" 

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I'll be right back."

"That's better," said the teacher, "but it's still not very nice to say the word lav at the dinner table. ...And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny replied: 'I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner...." '

[Guest]

Little Johnny Logic:

 

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

[ColinK]

As you may know, the Preston - Chorley line is currently closed for engineering work, with buses replacing the trains. Here is an actual conversation between a passenger and bus driver at Preston yesterday.

 

Passenger, 'is this the Leyland bus?'

 

Bus driver, 'sorry no, it's a Volvo!'

[Dagworth]

I used to be a train driver based out of Charing Cross, sometimes passengers didn't quite ask the question they wanted answered.

Used to get asked quite often at Lewisham:-

"Are you Victoria?"

"No I'm Andi"

 

At London Bridge:

"Is this Charing Cross?"

"No, this is London Bridge"

"How long is the next train to Charing Cross?"

"Eight coaches, same as this one"

[JZ]

I used to be a train driver based out of Charing Cross, sometimes passengers didn't quite ask the question they wanted answered.

Used to get asked quite often at Lewisham:-

"Are you Victoria?"

"No I'm Andi"

 

At London Bridge:

"Is this Charing Cross?"

"No, this is London Bridge"

"How long is the next train to Charing Cross?"

"Eight coaches, same as this one"

Don't get me going on things that passengers say.

[PGC]

You really just can't keep a good man down. Little Johnny strikes yet again!!!!!!!

 

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10, so where will you both live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lisa."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowances, Lisa makes five bucks a week and I make 10, that's about 60 bucks a month which should do us just fine."

Knowing him as he does, Mr. Smith is impressed Johnny has put so much thought into this. "Well Johnny, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

[Shedman5]

For several years, a man in New York City had been having an affair with
an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

[PGC]

 

[Welly]

^^^

The caption above the lady has clearly been changed - what was the original or is the original too close to the bone for this forum?

[69843]

It has been Anglicized

http://whistleblower-newswire.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/image0163.jpg

[raymw]

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.





 

[Allegheny1600]

Well, I've just done a search for "Harley-Davidson" jokes, sadly not even the one above came up, so I apologise if this has been on before (I've tried to sanitize it without losing the context too much) ;

 

Joe and his new Harley:

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He didn't have much luck, until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looked better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'  'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked! Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
 
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her chestickles. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and makes lurve, right there in front of her parents.
 
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great figure too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her undergarments, and **rews her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a very good time, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.
But still....total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his new Harley, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted, "Okay, okay, I'll do the f***in dishes!"

[kevinlms]

 

Well, I've just done a search for "Harley-Davidson" jokes, sadly not even the one above came up, so I apologise if this has been on before (I've tried to sanitize it without losing the context too much) ;

 

Joe and his new Harley:

 

 

 

Suddenly the father shouted, "Okay, okay, I'll do the f***in dishes!"

 

Jokes like this need their own special category of icons to select, its just wrong on so many fronts! Still funny though.

[EHertsGER]

Well, I've just done a search for "Harley-Davidson" jokes, sadly not even the one above came up, so I apologise if this has been on before (I've tried to sanitize it without losing the context too much) ;

 

 

Joe and his new Harley:

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He didn't have much luck, until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looked better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 

 

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked! Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.p

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

 They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her chestickles. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and makes lurve, right there in front of her parents.

 His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great figure too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her undergarments, and **rews her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a very good time, & Joe sits down.His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.

But still....total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his new Harley, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted, "Okay, okay, I'll do the f***in dishes!"

If you are looking for H-D jokes you could try looking their showroom....

[Titan]

Owning a Harley is no joking matter. Perhaps that's why he could not find any?

[Allegheny1600]

Apologies for the last one being close to the bone, here's another one from across the pond;

 

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.  Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male,who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd
and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. 
 
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin
that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
 
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was
unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.    'It was an unusual situation,
that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
 
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...
  'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sax with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shi* ... is it midnight already?'
 
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication,
fined $10. and sent on his way.
 
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

[Jon Fitness]

Owning a Harley is no joking matter. Perhaps that's why he could not find any?

I've heard 85% of all Harley's ever made are still on the road....

 

 

 

The other 15% made it home...  

JF

[jwealleans]

 

85% of all Harley's ever made are still on the road

Yes, and it's about time someone went back and tidied them all up.

[ColinK]

As you may know, the Preston - Chorley line is currently closed for engineering work, with buses replacing the trains. Here is an actual conversation between a passenger and bus driver at Preston yesterday.

Passenger, 'is this the Leyland bus?'

Bus driver, 'sorry no, it's a Volvo!'

More from the rail replacement service today - one of the coach drivers is wearing his 'I'd rather be on British Rail' t-shirt. Caused quite a few smiles, but one passenger was not amused. NB t-shirt was obtained from Rapido trains.

[PGC]

On the subject of come-back lines (and if this is a repeat, apologies!)

 

A gentleman of more mature years drove his brand new Lamborghini Gallardo convertible out of the car showroom. Taking off down the road he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew along and enjoyed pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Suddenly, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the gentleman as he floored it to 120mph,then 130mph then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

 

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the car, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm not working over the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The gentleman looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I was seriously worried that you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir",  said the policeman .

[PGC]

...and talking of police vehicles!!!!!!   

 

 

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the  other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"  Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "Ok" he said and she went on her way.

 

Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc from your vehicle madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.

 

Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her.  This one was stark naked and was holding a sizeable erection in his hand...... "Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[fender]

what is brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

-a stick!

 

 

 

---------------

 

 

 

a skeleton walked into a bar and said, "get me a whiskey, and a mop!"