shortliner Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!' Heard it. 'bout Coupla years back. Some guy name of, er, Shortminded? Sumpthin' like that. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 King Arthur was planning a crusade. Worried about the potential behaviour of his knights and wife while he was away, he visited his confidante Merlin, where the good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected. "After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours! "But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills." So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied. "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Heard it. 'bout Coupla years back. Some guy name of, er, Shortminded? Sumpthin' like that. Quite possibly but it came to me today - and of course - at my age the memory is not as good as it was, you know! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) OK, this is a bit long in the tooth, but I find it amusing... Pope John Paul II decided that the Vatican message was not getting through to the people he felt needed it most. After careful deliberation he summoned Mother Theresa and asked her to travel the world to spread his message of hope and goodwill and so on... He specifically asked her to telephone him after every encounter with local missions to let him know how she was getting on. So, off Mother Theresa went. First to China, from where she reported that political ideology had dimished God's message and that there was much work to do. Then to the former Soviet Union, from where she reported that political repression was rife and that there was much work to be done. Dismayed, the Pontiff encourgaed her to travel to South America, from where she reported that conflicts with poverty were hampering the work of the church. Encouraging her, His Holiness then suggested that North America should be her next stop. After some time the Vatican became concerned that Mother Theresa's regular reports had diminshed to an ominous silence. Realising the scale of her work, The Pontiff let her be until his pateince finally ran out. Instructing one of his Cardinals to call her at her last known destination, the Cardinal was successful and put the call through to the office of The Pope. Pope John Paul II was, however, dismayed when he heard; "Hey, JP, baby, it's me Terri! I'm in LA!..." Edited October 18, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd. ‘Her Majesty’ and ‘His Holiness’, however, have seen it all before so to make it a little more interesting the senator says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?” He doubts this, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such arrogance, considers what he should do. “That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.” The senator seriously and presidential candidate doubts this, and tells him this. So the Pope slaps her upside the head. Crowd goes wild. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) George Bush has a heart attack, dies, and goes to hell where he’s confronted by the devil. “I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list… but I don’t have any room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m gonna to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you, I’ll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide (since you are, after all, the DECIDER) who leaves. George thought the deal sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened a door to the first room, in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. “No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.” The devil led him to the next room, in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!” commented George. The devil opened a third door. In that room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms over his head, and his legs spread in an eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and, finally, said “Yeah, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!” Edited October 19, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu… * Broiled Missionary: $10.00 * Fried Explorer: $15.00 * Grilled Republican: $100.00 * Baked Democrat: $250.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap it takes all morning.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!'' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Luton Airport says it won't be taking part in the Ebola screening program after test equipment meant to detect overheated, sweating, hunched up passengers identified everyone arriving on Ryanair flights. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 The mind of a wife. Husband’s call:"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs,a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot." Wife’s Response: "And who is Paula?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) Luton Airport says it won't be taking part in the Ebola screening program after test equipment meant to detect overheated, sweating, hunched up passengers identified everyone arriving on Ryanair flights. Southend International airport is not taking part either because they do not fly to anywhere really foreign. Edited October 22, 2014 by andytrains 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buhar Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 The Past, the Present and the Future walk into pub. After that it got rather tense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 My wife says I'm a typical tight-fisted Scotsman So to prove her wrong I took her out for tea and biscuits. It was quite exciting as she had never given blood before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Rejected Fosters Advert #1 G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem, cobber..?""I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up.""Bummer, mate..!"" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 The Past, the Present and the Future walk into pub. After that it got rather tense. Yes but if the Subjunctive Brothers had come in it is likely that there would have been mayhem. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold colin penfold Posted October 24, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 24, 2014 I met a bloke today who was so thick he thought Screwfix.com was a dating site Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Two old guys talking:One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV"Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 (edited) Rejected Fosters Advert #1 G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem, cobber..?" "I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her ###### has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" " Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye." Rejected Fosters Advert #2 G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem, cobber..? Yeah, I just put on a red hot european DVD, ya know the Scandinavian kind? Well all I can see is a pasty bloke masterbating , surrounded by tinnies. Try turnin the TV on Bruce... Oh yeah, cheers guys. No worries Edited October 27, 2014 by peanuts Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger j Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 A note to all aspiring weather forcasters: Don't attempt to catch fog. I tried, but I mist Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted October 28, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 28, 2014 Haar, haar. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 what did the doctor say after pulling a pesary from behind his ear ? "look like some bums got my pencil" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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