RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 8, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 8, 2014 Excellent. Now do I tell my wife this joke, or not? Not whilst you are sitting on a windowsill! Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted November 8, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 8, 2014 Excellent. Now do I tell my wife this joke, or not? Depends on if you have a cat or not, if not you will have to keep checking the cupboard. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted November 9, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 9, 2014 Depends on if you have a cat or not, if not you will have to keep checking the cupboard. That's the problem, I do have a cat! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 Mary had a little lamb It's fleece was white and frilly. She used to throw it in the air And catch it by the willy. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 10, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 10, 2014 Mary had a little lamb It's fleece was white and frilly. She used to throw it in the air And catch it by the willy. Mary had a little lamb Of the litter it was the runt She used to throw it in the air But her mother stopped her doing it because it was cruel to the poor little animal. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Mary had a little lamb her father shot the shepherd. . . Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinWalsh Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Mary had a little lamb The Gynecologist had a heart attack Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 (edited) More sheep... One day, away in darkest somewhere land, the wife of a prominent chief gave birth to a baby that, all possibilities considered, could not have been fathered by her husband. Casting around for possible culprits, the chief's gaze fell upon his resident missionary, sent from a far away land where folks looked most unlike said chief. Chiefy ( for he had been in the Royal Navy at one time in his life) drew his missionary to one side and suggested that, in the interests of longevity, said missionary had better come up with a pretty good explanation. Casting his eyes to the hillsides beyond, our beleaguered missionary spotted a flock of sheep. He replied to the Chief that in every flock of the Lord's creatures there will, at some time, come a 'black sheep' and that the Chief should trust his maker in the infinite wisdom that gives rise to such events. The Chief, far from being perplexed by this, simply drew the missionary closer to his side and whispered to him; ' You no tell, me no tell...' Edited November 11, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 (edited) And more of said Chief...for now... Chief (see above) had enjoyed a significantly extravagant repast and was attempting to make himself a little more 'comfortable'. Try as he might the sensation of capacity irked him to the point that he summoned his medicine man/witch doctor/general fixer of ills and told him of his plight. After several potions had failed to ease the chief's burden, said quack went in search of a better remedy. He met with a doctor at the local missionary hospital (which has an excellent ante natal clinic, by the way), informing him 'big chief no poop'. The doctor gave the quack a bottle of medicine and told him to report the outcome the following day. On his return to the hospital, the quack reported 'medicine no good, big chief no poop'. Perplexed the doctor issued a stronger solution in the hope that would work. Again the quack came back to report 'big chief no poop'. This went on for several more days with no sign of chief's relief. Concerned, the doctor decided to go for broke and gave the quack a small vial of the strongest solution known to modern medicine, warning that excessive consumption could have dire consequences. Off the quack went, but to the doctor's dismay failed to return the following day. Several days passed until, on the fifth day the quack appeared at the doctor's office, looking very glum. Inquiring after the chief's health, the doctor was told 'Big poop, no chief'... Edited November 11, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 told my wife the marxist joke - nothing registered, then i explained the meaning of erstatz............... and marxism, and we were away. She blames the American education system for not teaching about communism. Just had the same reaction...and my wife is Russian (well actually a Ukranian Jew, but the subtlety of distinction was not the KGB's strong point)...a real one who knew communism initimately until they got out in '87 in a bit of a hurry while nobody was looking. Now let's start on Marx, Engels and Lenin...and Stalin. OK, maybe not... Who said the grave of Marx was another communist plot...?? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 (edited) More of a thought expressed randomly than a joke, but here it is, prompted by 'erstatz', a description of the coffee available in Europe during WW2, I understand. Anyway, to the point. An elderly friend of the family once pointed out that most British officers were able to make something of their time in captivity by baiting Germans, escaping (an officer's duty in captivity, by the way) and generally contributing to the war effort from within their confined positions despite their privations, punishments, hunger, boredom, sickness, exhaustion and so on because it was nowhere near as bad as the school they attended beforehand. Jack had walked away from three crashed aircraft, endured two captivities, achieved one escape (in his own words, more than that is just showing off) and a DFC and bar by the time he was twenty two. And hated school, loved 'allo 'allo, cheated at poker (but knew everybody knew he did), couldn't drive a car to save his life but made up for it by making a bee line for any piano and entertaining us all evening. On the eve of remembrance day I toast one of many characters I was lucky enough to know who, despite strenuous efforts to the contrary, lived extraordinary lives long after the odds said they shouldn't - to the betterment of people like....me. Jack finally (again, in his words) made a 'frightful bish of it all' at the tender age of 94. Edit: My apologies for this, but my sister reminded me why Jack and another dear old friend, or rather 'warhorse' never quite got on ('warhorse'; a description that included Ronnie (Coldstream Guards, MC), Johnnie (Grenadier Guards), Jerry (RAF, DSC, DFC and bar - Wellingtons and Mosquitoes), John (RAF, DFC and bar, Mosquitoes); Brian was an anti aircraft battery officer in South Wales (Royal Artillery, MC). Jack swore he was shot down (Hurricane) by Brian's 'bunch of myopic bandits' shortly after dispatching his first kill (JU88) - In his words 'it was an horrific explosion - I never thought it would look so awful, those poor chaps' over the Bristol Channel. Seemingly mistaken (how??) for a ME109 he was shot down almost immediately by AA fire. Jack and Brian occupied opposite ends of our local bar for years, swearing the other was beyond redemption for their mis-remembered tales... Funnily enough Brian was in North Africa when Jack was shot down... The down side of the peace and freedom these mischievous rogues secured for us is that we just aren't the men they were (oh, and in case you want to go all feminist on me, First Officer Yvonne H (truncated married name, but married John, the mosqito pilot (above); no idea of maiden name - mother of school friend Tim. Yvonne disavowed all that stereotypical Moneypenny nonsense, making it look like...nonsense. Goodness knows what she got up to in France once she had completed the parachute drop into France in the middle of the night. Yes, she was just Tim's mum to us. Oh, and we all fancied her like no tomorrow...). Anyway, what a bunch of villains, cutthroats, cheats, charlatans, thugs, cold blooded technicians, adventurers, angels on earth (building railways like that should terrify British Rail or whatever they are now), BS artists, mechanics (sorry Basil, I forgot about the exploding Sherman) and footsloggers (yes, Terry, I know how far it was from Dieppe to a POW camp. You told me.) we were privileged to know. This is nothing unusual - they were our neighbors, whom we liked or disliked according to whether their dog crapped on our lawn. And we played golf, poker, bridge and spoof with them until they couldn't any more; we were lucky enough that they took us out for walks, that we read to them stories they could correct because they were there, or build sandcastles with Colditz inmates on a beach where he played as a small boy. Precious assets faded. Memories may have faded but they fought for every minute they could recall. What lives! Don't let WW2 take all of my stage, for 'Chubby' told me to 'f**** off, you don't want to know' when I asked him about WW1. The grandfather of my friend Nick (son of Mosquito pilot Jerry, above), Capt. Lees scared his aged daschund (to the point of scurrying under a cabinet) when demonstrating how to skewer a 'fuzzy wuzzy' at the battle of Omdurman (he was 93 and I was six) in his kitchen using the lance he used for just such a purpose in '98 (1898) while perched on a kitchen stool (in 1966). Corporal Jones seems to be an understatement. If it all seems unreal, then in our world,it was. Who cares? Thank you, all. Just don't forget. Edited December 3, 2014 by EHertsGER 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
gazmanjack Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 (edited) Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead, Now she takes the lamb to school, Between to chunks of bread... Then there is this one... Hickory dickory dock, The mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and the others escaped with minor injuries... Edited November 11, 2014 by gazmanjack Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Nun in a taxi A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic'OK' the nun says, pull into the next ally.The nun then fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?''Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'The nun says, 'That's OK.........my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party.' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 On Sunday morning service in a little chapel in the welsh valleys. The charismatic preacher is in the pulpit and says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me they have seen a ghost?" Silence comes from the congregation. The preacher then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken to a ghost?" Again silence from the congregation. The preacher then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken and made love to a ghost? A voice from the back shouts out,"I have vicar!" "Thomas Evans", says the preacher, "You mean to tell me that you have seen, spoken to and made love to ghost?" The man replies "Oh! Sorry I thought you said a goat! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 More of a thought expressed randomly than a joke, but here it is, prompted by 'erstatz', a description of the coffee available in Europe during WW2, I understand. Anyway, to the point. An elderly friend of the family once pointed out that most British officers were able to make something of their time in captivity by baiting Germans, escaping (an officer's duty in captivity, by the way) and generally contributing to the war effort from within their confined positions despite their privations, punishments, hunger, boredom, sickness, exhaustion and so on because it was nowhere near as bad as the school they attended beforehand. Jack had walked away from three crashed aircraft, endured two captivities, achieved one escape (in his own words, more than that is just showing off) and a DFC and bar by the time he was twenty two. And hated school, loved 'allo 'allo, cheated at poker (but knew everybody knew he did), couldn't drive a car to save his life but made up for it by making a bee line for any piano and entertaining us all evening. On the eve of remembrance day I toast one of many characters I was lucky enough to know who, despite strenuous efforts to the contrary, lived extraordinary lives long after the odds said they shouldn't - to the betterment of people like....me. Jack finally (again, in his words) made a 'frightful bish of it all' at the tender age of 94. Brought a tear to my eye! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 So there's to be another re recording of Band Aid, I can still remember the images,, the gaunt face, the haunted look, the deep set eyes and the flies around the mouth, but enough of Bob Geldof.. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I think we should have a Band Aid single to raise money to support Bob Geldof to write another bloody song. Each remake is worse than the one before. <need a vomiting emoticon> Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome .. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country”. "This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross." "In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!" Edited November 12, 2014 by shortliner Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 12, 2014 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 12, 2014 <need a vomiting emoticon> Try This Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said , "hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? you look terrible." "What do you mean " said the pirate, " I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg ? You didn't have that before. " " Well, said the pirate " We were in a battle , and I got hit with a cannon ball, took my leg straight off, but I'm fine now." The Bartender replied " Well , OK, but what about the hook ? " you didn't have that before what happened to your hand ? " The pirate explained, " We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off . I got fitted with this hook,but I'm fine now really" " What about the eye patch ? you didn't have that before ? " Oh" said the pirate. " One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye." " Your kidding," said the bartender, You shouldn't lose an eye just from some bird s**t. ? " IT WAS MY FIRST DAY WITH THE HOOK !!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curlew Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) Two nerds meet up for lunch. Nerd number one immediately pulls the latest, brand new 4G phone from his pocket and hooks up to the Internet. "Cool phone" says nerd number 2. "How did you manage to get hold of one of those?" Nerd number one replies... "I was strolling through the woods on my way here, when a beautiful girl walked up to me. She put her handbag down, took off all her clothes and lay on the grass, saying "I really like you, have whatever you want!" I saw this phone sticking out of her bag, so I just took it!" "Great choice!", says nerd number 2. "I bet her clothes would not have fitted you" Edited November 12, 2014 by Curlew Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Mary had a little lamb her father shot the shepherd. . . mary had a little lamb she got three years for and four years for corrupting a minor 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londontram Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 I see panto season is with us again and the amateur dramatics section of my local naturist club are auditioning for a Christmas carol....... I went for the part of Tiny Tim but missed it by an inch! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Mary had a little lamb. Braised in red wine sauce with thyme and rosemary. Delicious. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PLD Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 I see panto season is with us again and the amateur dramatics section of my local naturist club are auditioning for a Christmas carol....... I went for the part of Tiny Tim but missed it by an inch! Under or over... :-) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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