PGC Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 A London centric joke! Lewisham Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi- automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, £25 million in forged notes and a ring of 25 prostitutes on a housing estate behind Lewisham Public Library. Lewisham folks were stunned. A community leader said: "We is well shocked. We never knew we had a library in Lewisham” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welchester Posted March 6, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 6, 2015 Is Clunt the sound the meat cleaver makes as it splits your head open? No. Diana Dors, whose real name was Fluck, was invited to open a church fête at St Mark's Church, Swindon (where she had been a Sunday school teacher) and introduced as 'the famous film star Diana Dors, whom many of you will remember as Diana Clunt'. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 TOP IRISH TEXT MESSAGE ! Mary im just having one more pint with the lads if im not home in two hours read this again all my love Shamus 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 8, 2015 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 8, 2015 Tried that Peanuts. Didn't work! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Tried that Peanuts. Didn't work! You need to eat peanuts to stop you becoming allergic to them. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
fender Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 not necessarily funny, but appropriate to thread. http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/uk/article4376496.ece?shareToken=3ff36224769e3ea22386aa7bbcad3250 does contain the "world's shortest joke", courtesy of Jimmy Carr, drum role please............. venison, dear? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan on the telephone."So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says."Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says."What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says."No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says."Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.Satan laughs uproariously and answers:"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) My wife put 300 pounds on a horse at Cheltenham today Had to tell her go get off before she broke it's back Edited March 11, 2015 by peanuts Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Only a farm kid would see it this way! When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.... A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Thank you, Tom D. That was a genuine snorting laugh in the office moment, & I've shared it on... 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 A guy was driving down a motorway with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted March 13, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 13, 2015 They were probably from Llareggub. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) A Warning to buying on eBay Be careful what you buy on eBay. If you buy things online, check out the seller carefully. A friend has just spent £129.50 plus vat on a P##### enlarger. The baskets sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions were "Do not use in sunlight". Edited March 14, 2015 by emac Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Distinction between Guts and Balls To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.” I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 wish i hadnt told the missus we dont celebrate valentines day anymore as we are beyond that now shes just reminded me as its steak & blow jobs day doh ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 ? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 14, 2015 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 14, 2015 Is "?" the new "Indecipherable" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out. steve 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Liverpool to Manchester on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave."R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already". Brit15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) Adults only Facts 5 FACTS A wise person once said: 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. AND ……… 5. I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Edited March 15, 2015 by shortliner Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) The WILL.The End is near: His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over inthe City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".Sarah replies, "Property? He has a paper round!" Edited March 17, 2015 by shortliner Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Is "?" the new "Indecipherable" ! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 ! ?n 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Some sources report this as a true story, others as an urban myth, either way it is quite humorous... MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKEDiamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all ######!" Jim Edited March 17, 2015 by luckymucklebackit Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 ?n Gordon, your sig line "Sometimes I sits and thinks - sometimes I just sits..." always reminds me of an old bit of toilet graffiti. Or is that the point......... Sometimes I just sits and thinks. Sometimes I just sits and wonder. Other times I s*its n' stinks, and f*rt like f*cking thunder. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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