The Forum Jokes Thread

[BR60103]

There's a dental museum in Heidelberg.

 

I hear people visit to see the historical plaque.

[PGC]

Best one liner of the year?

"If we can manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have all disappeared..."

[peanuts]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.

[Jamiel]

OK a quotes rather than a jokes, but I thought it might fit here. A few from Woody Allen.

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”
 

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“Don't knock master-bation - it's sex with someone I love”

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions”

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.”

“The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.”

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'”

“My brain? That´s my second favourite organ.”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

 

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”


Edit - I know master-bation is spelt wrongly but it is apparently one of words censored by the forum.
Other are ####, ####, ##### with a ######## and #############################ism.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Jamiel

[luckymucklebackit]

Last night my wife sent me a text saying she was in Casualty.

 

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it......... never saw her once.

 

She still hasn't come home yet and I am starving.

 

Jim

[luckymucklebackit]

This is long but stick with it.

Some may have seen this before but it is now time for a resurrection.

Make a cuppa and enjoy.....................

 

This is the story of how an innocent looking sachet of Picolax turned the narrators bum (we will call him Mr Smith to protect what little dignity he retains) from its usual semi-dormant state to something a bit like Vesuvius; an impressive and majestic sight with occasional noxious whiffs, regular minor expulsions of dangerous matter and a very rare display of awesome ferocity worthy of international news.  A portal from another collapsing largely aqueous universe via which all compressed matter emerged at trans-light speeds, expanding exponentially as it emerges from the “wormhole”.

 

WARNING _ THINK VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE TAKING “AGENT” PICOLAX

 

1] CHECK THE TIME & DATE OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER,

 

REPEAT

 

2] CHECK THE TIME & DATE OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER

 

3] Have a TRUSTED friend verify your reading of the details in ITEM 2

 

You will see later on why ITEM 2 above is so vital.

 

And so, to those about to take Picolax, we salute you!!

 

At popular request, please be seated.

 

I’d had some disturbing “signs” during daily “evacuation procedures”. In the past I’d also had Farmer Giles & Family surgically evicted from my ass, so wasn’t about to wait years to have any future “squatters” invade me via the back door.

Doctor took a look and with only “Breathe out” for warning, proceeded to instantly put an expression on my face more commonly associated with riders of “The Big One” at Alton towers. And believe me I FELT like I was riding a VERY BIG one, the only word I could manage was “HOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFF !!!”

 

Weeks later I got letter from hospital plus two sachets of “Agent” Picolax.

 

In true blokey fashion I then “Man Read” the letter (i.e. opened it scanned it and took out the “Free Gifts”) re: appointment and pre-op procedure

 

(WARNING: mistake alert).

 

(WARNING: HUGE, HUGE MISTAKE ALERT).

 

Right so on “Monday the 10th I was to have an “Investigative Procedure”.

And so from 36 hours prior I would be RESTRICTED TO CLEAR FLUIDS ONLY.

So no real food from 8pm Saturday night. Slap up meal Saturday teatime, then orange juice or tea without milk, or “Clear soup” (sod that), a couple of lagers can’t do any harm (Err, another wrong decision but sadly that’s not your main problem, sadly no)

Sunday evening I’ve been on clear fluids only for a whole day. Family sit down to roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, gravy roast Potatoes, peas & carrots followed by trifle. Never mind I’ll tuck into a glass of orange juice. (TWIT!!)

 

Whilst they sit back in post scoff bliss I prepare for my first meeting with “Agent” Picolax. (Cue Music from Jaws)

 

Read instruction on “Free Gift Number 1″.

 

I tear the strip off the sachet [PAUSE]

 

Remember in those stories how insignificant it seems when the cork is removed from the bottle found on the shore, and an affable Genie trapped for a thousand years pops out ?

 

Well hold that thought

 

“Agent” Picolax has entered the building (orally).

 

Not too unpleasant, tasted a bit “lemony”, to be fair if most energy drinks tasted like this they’d be more popular.

As these foolish thoughts are noodling around in my head a butterfly in the Amazon flaps its wings. . . . .

A storm of geological cataclysmic ferocity fuelled by an apoplectic “Agent” Picolax is gathering pace, mass and will reveal itself too late upon the unwary.

 

Oh Yes.

 

Seeing as I like the odd beer I’m pretty used to the occasional “rumbly in my tumbly”, so surely nothing to worry about there then?

tick follows tick follows tock . . . . .

 

The air was still.

 

The usual background drone of distant traffic had recently gone,

 

I didn’t notice it get quieter

 

It didn’t happen suddenly, and I had not gone deaf, even the barking dogs and twittering birds had fallen confusing silent. I was alone in my own home but suddenly felt the eyes of entire nations focussed upon one single point.

 

The epicentre . . .

 

I turned to see what it was . . .

 

I realised too late what it was that they already knew only too well, the epicentre was behind me.

 

But this was no pantomime villain

 

It was

 

KRAKATOA’S BIG DRUNK ANGRY BROTHER

 

And he’d come to kick the living ****t out of me . . . .

 

RIGHT NOW!!!

 

I read that Lake Baikal in Siberia is the largest body of fresh water on the planet.  So large that, if empty, then it would take every river upon planet earth flowing into the space a full year to refill.

OR

The contents of my ass would do the same job in 15 minutes flat . . .

Eventually that Sunday night, as it says in the bible, the waters receded and peace returned.

Once the aftershocks (not the highly coloured alcoholic stuff) had finally diminished and ceased.

I showered my skin (there was nothing inside, not even skeltal remains) and went to bed. Setting the alarm for 06:00 in order to rise and steel myself for 08:00 Monday morning.

 

08:00 was my next appointment with “Agent” Picolax.

 

It would be an appointment that I would NEVER forget.

 

I awoke at almost the exact moment the alarm went off, all in all a good night’s sleep. I felt warm, safe, and happy.

Lying in my comfy bed in that delicious half sleep world where Debbie Harry is still 23 and I’m at the height of my prowess as a rock GOD and Debbie really wants me sooooooooo baddd. She’s wearing that red shirt with red over knee stilletto boots and . . .

 

The Rabbit from Donnie Darko taps me on the shoulder and says “Your appointment with “Agent” Picolax, Mr Smith” . . . .

 

[Music from Lee Van Cleef's musical stopwatch]

[Music from shower scene in Psycho]

 

Feeling like I’m in the lift of The Empire State Building and it’s dropping unchecked

Sound of a very fat moggy desperately clawing for traction on an old school blackboard . . . . .

Oh sweet Lord in Heaven, no pleeeeeeeeeeease not that, anything but not that . . . .

My feet are moving with all the alacrity of continental drift in the direction of AWAY.

 

BUT

 

Like in all nightmares, the harder you struggle, the faster you run away the closer the MONSTER gets. So you break, become a quivering mess and submit to

 

THE HORRORR

 

Hating yourself for being weak, “One more effort and I’d have been free!!”.

 

TOO LATE NOW

Stand before the bathroom mirror, the EVENT the night before must have sucked the very eyes from my socket, because I can’t see properly. In the mirror isn’t the reflection of 5′10″ 15st me, it’s a huge used femidom.

 

I find “Free Gift number 2″ (oh the irony) and like the beaten drone that I am tear open the sachet (release the Genie pent up these last 10,000 years) mix the “Magic Potion”.

 

Then the condemned man (deprived of even a blindfold, last cigarette, Debbie in thigh boots and light years away from a hearty breakfast) raises the glass to his lips and swallows.

 

I’m ready for you this time though “C’mon, C’mon, Come and have a go!!!”

 

I spin, and park my ass (now deeply grooved, and splintered from the previous night’s multiple megaton detonations).

 

I wait and very time itself pauses

 

I wait

 

Nothing

 

Nope, not even the faintest pixies fart of a tremor

 

But I’m not going to fall for that, if “Agent” Picolax can wait then so can I

I’m ready for you like a spring coiled by Buddhist ninja fellers

Distracted for the fraction of one second he’s on me wringing me dry.

I wondered just where he’d been and he’s about to let me know

He’s dancing on my head as from my “Ring of Bright Water” emerges the Pacific Ocean and its family, and they’re in a rush.

After a period of time that could have been less than a nanosecond or longer than a Genies internment, I KNOW he’s gone.

I am dust, and not much of it at that.

 

Time sort myself out for the day hospital, complete change of spare clothes plus 5 spare pairs of boxers (if necessary I’ll wear them ALL, simultaneously, plus two pair of jeans, that’ll minimise the death toll).

 

Right just before I leave on last quick check.

 

No food 36 hours, Check

 

Clear fluids only, Check (ish) (few lagers can’t have hurt)

 

Free Gift No1 at T minus 27 hours, Check (yep 20:00 Sunday Night)

 

Free Gift No2 at T minus 3 hours, Check (Yep 08:00 Monday morn)

 

Report to day hospital

 

Wednesday 10 ^th

 

WEDNESDAY 10^th?

 

WEDNESDAY 10^th!!!!!!!!

 

Ring Ring, Ring Ring…..

 

“Hello, Day Hospital, err I’ve got an appointment for Wednesday,

 

Yes that’s right (gulp) the 10th. I was wondering, is there ANY chance you could see me today?”

 

“I’m afraid not, is there a problem, if you cancel you may go to the bottom of the list . . .”

 

“Oh NO NO NO, I don’t want to cancel, I want to be seen today”

 

“HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR PICOLAX YET?” (Stifled sounds, the unnerving feeling that nearby extensions are being lifted)

 

(Small voice) ” . . . . . . Yes . . . . .”

 

“I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU, DID YOU SAY YOU’D TAKEN BOTH SACHETS OF AGENT err SORRY BOTH SACHETS OF PICOLAX??” (Multiple stifled sounds,

presence of numerous 3rd parties confirmed)

 

(Small voice)” . . . . . Yes, both sachets . . . . . . Can I get some more . . . “

 

No tossing about this time, they didn’t even try to stifle their laughter, all women, about 10 of them.

 

“YOU SAY YOU’D LIKE SOME MORE PICOLAX ? (Definite sounds of loud sniggering)”

 

“No, I asked if I could get some more, I definitely did not say I’d like some more”

 

“If you can drop by after 13:00 today we’ll issue you with a repeat prescription which you can take to the pharmacy, OK?”

 

” . . . Yes, thank you”

 

Later on Monday the 8th

 

“Hi I’ve come to collect a prescription?”

 

“What Name is it please?” (Says a good-looking red head nurse with twinkle in her eye)

 

Simultaneously, she’s making some secret *SIGN* for EVERY good looking female nurse to emerge from various hidey holes.

TBH I didn’t think the NHS employed so many NATIONALLY never mind at the local BUM CLINIC!!

 

“Smith”

 

“Ah yes, TWO SACHETS OF PICOLAX!!”

 

Sirens, alarms, party poppers and flashing lights

 

BINGO!! LAYDEEZ AND GENNEMEN WE HAVE A WINNER OF THE LORD ELIZABETH DIMWITT TROPHY

 

Then the killer question,

 

“Do you know how to take it?”

 

“Yep”

 

Mr Smith exits the Bum Factory for the day and the workers roll about the floor.

 

Still it’s not every bloke that can induce damp knickers in so many foxy nurses simultaneously.

 

Now any of you that are familiar with even Primary School arithmetic will be aware that a 36 hour count back from 08:00 Wednesday is 20:00 Monday.

By the time I got home it was almost 18:00. 2 hours to eat, then back, once again, into the hands of “Agent” Picolax.

 

And so it starts again………

[fender]

I am going to wait and see how many 'funny' smilies the above joke gets before I decide whether to read it or not.

[Tom D]

Redneck Vacation

 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

 

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

 

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

 

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

 

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

 

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

[bluebottle]

I am going to wait and see how many 'funny' smilies the above joke gets before I decide whether to read it or not.

 

Dutifully, I struggled through to the end.

I thought "War and Peace" was funnier.

[andytrains]

I am going to wait and see how many 'funny' smilies the above joke gets before I decide whether to read it or not.

You will have had to take "Agent” Picolax really to appreciate the ferocity of the stuff.

Lager is OK as it is a clear liquid and not really alcohol!! 

[F-UnitMad]

A woman buys a parrot from a pet shop. The shopkeeper says it is an excellent talker, but warns her it's last owner ran a Brothel, so she might hear some rather fruity language from it at first.

When she takes it home the Parrot speaks...

"New Home. New Madam.

Hello Madam."

 

Later her two daughters come home. The parrot says...

"New Home. New Madam. New girls.

Hello girls"

 

At teatime the husband walks in from work. The parrot says...

"New Home. New Madam. New girls.

Old Customers. Hello Dave...."

Edited April 1, 2015 by F-UnitMad

[RhBBob]

My Wife and I often argue and fall out......

 

...luckily I'm only there for the last half minute or so.....

[Stubby47]

SWMBO sent me a txt saying I never listen to her - dunno why she just didn't tell me. ..

[peanuts]

what fruit do baby Apes sleep in ?

 

 

 

 

 

Apricots !

[andytrains]

A little boy is lost at a large shopping centre.

He goes up to uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman asks, "What's he like?"

The little boy answers, "Beer and ladies with big t!ts."

[Sidecar Racer]

An extract from Hillary Clinton's autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail'. To be released soon…

 

"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.

 

Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

 

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff,

but he was assured that many Chefs did that.

 

 

 

"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny.

 

By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea.

 

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

 

"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember

which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found

a door that opened.

 

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's

office with his trousers around his knees.

 

 

As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice:

 

"Sack my cook"

 

 

 

"And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

[PhilJ W]

Little Johnny in class again....

The teacher asked the question "Name something ending in 'tor' that eats something?"

The first child she asked said "Alligator", "Very good." said the teacher, the second child said "Predator" again getting a compliment from the teacher. Then it came to little Johnny's turn, his answer was "Vibrator". The teacher being used to Johnny just said "But a vibrator doesn't eat anything". To which Johnny replied "My mum says hers eats batteries like anything."

Edited April 4, 2015 by PhilJ W

[Sidecar Racer]

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.     They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided togo up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.They had a great time—however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to the University of Virginia for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

 

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

 

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

“Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

 

On the second page was written:

 

“(For 95 points): Which tire?”

[andytrains]

What do you call a Roman with a smirk on his face and with a piece of hair stuck between his two front teeth?

A Glad he ate her.

Edited April 3, 2015 by andytrains

[peanuts]

I never knew Nigel Farage was married to a German Woman.

 

 

Typical, bloody foreigners, coming over here stealing our racists.

[teaky]

Yep, and she works as his PA I believe, which means she's come over here and taken a job too.

 

(Mods - Feel free to remove this if I've strayed into politics.)

[Steve K]

I am going to wait and see how many 'funny' smilies the above joke gets before I decide whether to read it or not.

 

Agreed - blame my short attention span, but I scrolled down until I found a joke that didn't fill the whole screen!

[peanuts]

I went to religious seminar in Rochdale yesterday.

The preacher came to me rested his hands on my shoulders and said You will walk today.

i said to him I'm not a cripple. I left slightly confused.

till I went to get in my car and found out it had been stolen !!

[peanuts]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, 'Hello?'

 

'Is your Daddy home?' he asked.

 

'Yes', whispered the small voice.

 

'May I speak to him?'

 

The child whispered 'No.'

 

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

 

'Yes.'

 

'Well may I speak to her, then?' Again the small voice whispered 'No.'

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

 

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

 

Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

 

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

 

'Busy doing what?'

 

'Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,' came the whispered reply.

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked 'What's that noise?'

 

'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

 

'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team has just landed a helicopter.'

 

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'

[peanuts]

usiness Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!