RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted January 30, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 30, 2016 Not unless you've frequented 'the taps' you ain't ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Well, it's gone a bit upmarket in the 45 years since I was last there. I remember that what we thought was black linoleum on the floor was in fact a very well trodden carpet. Someone told a new lad, who was short of cash, that he could collect parking fees for the zoo. He didn't understand the joke, and ended up with some facial restyling, iirc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Most of the pubs around here were like that. . . .They used to be known as The Claggy Mat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted January 31, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 31, 2016 Well, it's gone a bit upmarket in the 45 years since I was last there. I remember that what we thought was black linoleum on the floor was in fact a very well trodden carpet. Someone told a new lad, who was short of cash, that he could collect parking fees for the zoo. He didn't understand the joke, and ended up with some facial restyling, iirc. You mean like this urban myth? http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You need to go back about 50 years. The downs was/is sort of common land, back then free parking everywhere - but a certain family would offer to show folk where they could park. They had the leather satchels, etc., looked sort of official, and took money. The zoo was happy, so was the council. It meant that not so much of the common ground was damaged, nor side streets blocked and folk were happy to pay - they assumed it was 'official'. It seems to be different now, but 'of course, they would say that, wouldn't they', that it never existed. fwiw Bristol decided to pay businesses/boatbuilders, etc. to move out of the docks, down to Avonmouth/wherever. Thought they could save a fortune on maintaining the locks at Cumberland Basin. They then,after paying out a million or so as compensation realized they had to keep locks operational, since they were an essential part of the flood prevention scheme. I think that was a bit more recent, maybe 40 odd years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 does anybody know how to undo an E-bay bid ? ive bid on a cowboy outfit for my son & im six minuits away from owning Bolton Wanderers ! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB-AU Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 (I have cleaned up the punchline of this one. Use your imagination.)The local town band had been running for nearly 100 years and due to dwindling numbers had gone through a few mergers. Their instruments were in need of replacing so the committee decided to do a bit of fundraising in the local area.The Treasurer himself decided to start in his own street that Saturday morning, starting at house #1. He knocked at the door, a young lady answered and the Treasurer and gave his prepared fundraising speech."Good morning, I'm the Treasurer of the Harford-Predingworth-Woolingham-Lowsley-Fletchney Beautiful Brass and Pleasing Percussion Ensemble and we're doing some fundraising to buy new instruments. I wonder if you'd be interested in making a small donation?"The young lady said "Of course, I always enjoy listening to the band." She put her hand in her purse and donated £10.The Treasurer was pleased with this and moved on to the next house. He knocked on the door, a middle aged man answered and the Treasurer and gave his prepared fundraising speech."Good morning, I'm the Treasurer of the Harford-Predingworth-Woolingham-Lowsley-Fletchney Beautiful Brass and Pleasing Percussion Ensemble and we're doing some fundraising to buy new instruments. I wonder if you'd be interested in making a small donation?"The middle aged man said "You know, my grandfather helped start that band so it's the least I can do." He put his hand in his pocket and donated £20.The Treasurer was very pleased with this so moved on to the next house. He knocked on the door, a rather frail old lady answered and the Treasurer and gave his prepared fundraising speech."Good morning, I'm the Treasurer of the Harford-Predingworth-Woolingham-Lowsley-Fletchney Beautiful Brass and Pleasing Percussion Ensemble and we're doing some fundraising to buy new instruments. I wonder if you'd be interested in making a small donation?"The old lady put her hand to her ear, adjusted her hearing aid and said "Eh?"The Treasurer tried again."Good morning, I'm the Treasurer of the Harford-Predingworth-Woolingham-Lowsley-Fletchney Beautiful Brass and Pleasing Percussion Ensemble and we're doing some fundraising to buy new instruments. I wonder if you'd be interested in making a small donation?"The old lady put her hand to her other ear adjusted her other hearing aid and said "Eh?"The Treasurer tried again, much louder this time."Good morning, I'm the Treasurer of the Harford-Predingworth-Woolingham-Lowsley-Fletchney Beautiful Brass and Pleasing Percussion Ensemble and we're doing some fundraising to buy new instruments. I wonder if you'd be interested in making a small donation?"The old lady fiddled with both hearing aids and said "I'm afraid I can't quite hear you."The Treasurer gave up, smiled politely and turned to leave. As he was walking down the path the lady said "Mind the gate".As he approached the end of the path the Treasurer muttered under his breath "Oh, sod your gate".The old lady put both hands to her mouth and shouted "And sod your Harford-Predingworth-Woolingham-Lowsley-Fletchney Beautiful Brass and Pleasing Percussion Ensemble!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted February 2, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) Dropped the Mrs off at the doc's on my way to work this morning for some tests (she's not sure if she's got Alzheimer's or Gonorrhoea). I went back to pick her up but couldn't find her, so I spoke to the doctor...He told me that due to patient confidentiality he couldn't disclose the results. However, what he did say was: "If she does manage to find her way home - don't sh#g her!" Edited February 2, 2016 by Tim Dubya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 "Not unless you've frequented 'the taps you ain't" My life must be one long downward spiral...Coronation Tap, Dugout, Union....then CBGBs..but oh, boy it's still fun (no CB's anymore...KGB Bar instead)! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 allways wondered about the application process at Hooters ? do they just hand a bra to the girl and say "fill that out " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted February 3, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 3, 2016 allways wondered about the application process at Hooters ? do they just hand a bra to the girl and say "fill that out " We ate at a Hooters in the US a couple of years ago, took me 3 days to realise the food was cr*p! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacyAnd began to munch out.She ate.........and ate.......and then.......she ate some moreFinally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...Dead fly..The moral of this sad story?Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh1t 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 In a similar vein... A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Morals of the story:(1) Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.(3) If you are warm and happy in your own little pile of sh1t it is sometimes best to keep your mouth shut! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted February 4, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 4, 2016 I hear Lord Lucan has been pronounced dead. I knew English spelling could be weird but this is ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 I hear Lord Lucan has been pronounced dead. I knew English spelling could be weird but this is ridiculous. It's the American spelling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 6, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 6, 2016 ....from the Lord Lucan west. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 so there we were parked up on marine drive in southport, eating a our chips when I hear music...and the words... " if I had a photograph of youuuuuu.. something to remind me..." and as I looked over my shoulder, I saw a flock of seagulls 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 6, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 6, 2016 The downside of a one pole motor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 (edited) Has anyone noticed that the name of the CEO of Uber is Travis...? Edited February 7, 2016 by EHertsGER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 7, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 7, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 The downside of a one pole motor. Other Eastern European workers are available. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted February 7, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 7, 2016 (edited) The BBC are making a documentary about Liverpool St Station and they are finishing filming by interviewing all the staff. They are about to pack up and go home when someone says, "Wait! We didn't talk to old Bert. He's the oldest employee here; he's been caretaker for the men's toilets for 60 years! We should talk to him." So they find Bert in his little office in the men's loos. "So, Bert, how old are you?" "Well, mate, I'm 79 yars old, yers mate, 79 I am." "And you've worked here all your life?" "Yers mate, since I were a boy." "And you've always worked in the toilets?" "Well, mate, yer takes wot yer can get. I'm lucky to have bin in work at all, all me life, yers mate." "And I bet you've seen some changes here over the years. What would you say has changed, working here?" "Ooh, mate, don't get me started, don't get me started! It's not like it woz; y'see these days, after the pubs chuck aht, I get the druggies, I get the drunks, throwin' up everywhere, I get the prostitutes, I get the pissed up kids, fighting, I get guns and the like, I get the dregs of bleeding' society comin' down these stairs and causing no end of grief, I can't tell you 'ow much it's changed! I get all kinds of dreadful blokes dealing' and shouting' and fightin'. I tell you if someone comes in for a sh1t it's like a breath of fresh air!" Edited February 7, 2016 by Budgie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I presume he took his holidays at his own convenience? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I looked into the cost of a personalised numberplate. Then I worked out it's cheaper to change my name by deed poll. You may now call me KT56PWL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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